In a time when so many in the workplace are being accused of disrespectful behavior, it is important for leaders to set the right tone, and model respectful communication (Tweet it!). And one of the most powerful ways to show respect is to listen…carefully and non-judgmentally.

New York Times “Corner Office” columnist Adam Bryant has interviewed a number of CEOs who subscribe to a practice known as MRI: the Most Respectful Interpretation. Robin Domeniconi, chief executive of the fashion company Thread Tales, told Bryant that “M.R.I.” was a cornerstone of her company culture. “I don’t need everyone to be best friends,” she said, “but I need to have a team with M.R.I.”

M.R.I. involves taking the time to hear what somebody is thinking— especially if their point of view contradicts your own—and taking the time to ask clarifying questions if something doesn’t make sense. Importantly, it allows us to give others the benefit of the doubt. Although uncomplicated, it confronts some of the main causes of organizational dysfunction: lack of communication and misperception.

How do you encourage your co-workers to feel heard, respected and understood? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

There is something behind the phrase “the voice of reason”, writes Amy Ellis Nutt in The Washington Post. According to a new study, the human voice is more persuasive than the written word.


The study, published in Psychological Science, asked 300 subjects to listen to or read arguments about controversial issues. Afterward, when those subjects were asked to judge the person who communicated the argument, those who listened via video or audio, were less dismissive than those who read a transcript – even if they disagreed with the content.

“When two people hold different beliefs, there is a tendency not only to focus on that difference of opinion but also to denigrate one's opposition,” the study's authors wrote. It turns out that vocal cues, absent in written communication, have the ability to create a more positive perception of an adversary.
 
The bottom line: Even though social media enables the written word, try to talk to people you wish to persuade. Use “the voice of reason” to your advantage (Tweet it!).
 
Do you find you are more easily persuadable by voice than text or email? Do you try to speak to those with whom you have a difference of opinion? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Praise enhances performance, effort and engagement in the classroom and the workplace. But is your praise having the desired effect? Tom Finley, Assistant Editor of Edutopia, drawing on multiple studies of praise, says that encouraging words must be differentiated from “super-astonishing, spectacular hype”.


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If you want your praise to resonate:

• Be specific: Describe the observed behavior and make a positive remark. Avoid generic (“good job”) phrases (Tweet it!)
• Be proportional: Inflated compliments and hyperbole can actually lower self-esteem.
• Be customized: Everyone needs praise, but they don't all prefer the same kind. For example, some people appreciate public praise; others like more private communication.
• Don’t be directive: Avoid tying praise to demands, e.g. “Nice presentation—you should do all your presentations that way!”

Finally, dozens of studies support one simple truth, notes Finley. “Replacing reactive admonishments with strategic praise, day after day, is the most effective way for words to motivate…”
 
What is a memorable piece of praise you have received, and how did it motivate you? What is the most effective praise you have given? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

As holiday vacations approach, it’s time for friends, family, feasts, and… out of office auto replies. Is there a good way to say, “Hey, I’m trying to unplug; so don’t expect a prompt reply?” (Tweet it!)
 
Writing for The New York Times “Smarter Living” column, Tom Herrera asked readers to suggest ways of saying ”Sorry, I’m outta here.” Of course there is the generic, “I’ll be back next week, meanwhile call so-and-so”, or the no-frills “Back on Tuesday, January 1,” but consider these:

Tembi Secrist, who works in exporting, writes, “Thank you for your email! I am on vacation. Vacations are not for checking email, so I won’t be doing that. Fortunately, we rarely encounter life and death situations in the world of exporting, and aren’t we all glad for that?”

Stephanie Grace, who Herrera says “wins for cutest auto-reply” brought a smile to all with the irresistible…“I’m out of office enjoying a weeklong backpacking trip in the Wallowas with the best adventure pup in the world, Lucy: https://www.instagram.com/luseatosky/”

What's your favorite out of office auto reply? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

It’s hard to apologize because “human beings are wired for defensiveness.” So says psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of the new book Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

In a recent NPR interview, Lerner addressed that special subgenre of apology—the sexual harassment apology—so ubiquitous of late. The rules for this kind of mea culpa, she says, are essentially the same as for any good apology.
 

• The wrongdoer should carry some of the pain, (e.g. “I will be struggling — perhaps forever — because of the harm I've caused women who trusted me to mentor and help them.”)
• Do not ask for forgiveness. Lerner stresses that nothing should be asked of those who were harmed.
• Avoid qualifier words like “if” or “might” (e.g. “I’m so sorry if you felt hurt by what I did.”)

 
Lerner says that good apologies are important but they're not enough. Apologies do not excuse perpetrators from the consequences of their actions (Tweet it!).
 
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a sexual harassment apology? How did you feel? If you have not, what do you believe such an apology should include? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

It’s no secret that many people view conversation as speaking and then waiting to speak again—without doing much real listening in between. In more severe cases, “conversational narcissists” engage in what sociologist Charles Derber calls “the shift response”— exploiting any topic as an excuse to bring the discourse back to themselves (often in order to boast or display “superior” knowledge).
 

Conversational narcissism can also take a more passive form – in which people withhold the kinds of cues that encourage a speaker to go on—such as asking questions, making sounds of affirmation (“uh-huh”) or even nodding. But whether active or passive, conversational narcissists can’t learn anything new, as they are so caught up in their own narrative.
 
Only through active listening can we engage in a truly reciprocal dialogue (Tweet it!). To practice active listening, writer and entrepreneur Shane Parrish, writing in Thrive Global  suggests the following:
 

• Avoid trying to respond immediately. Allow the other person time to finish. Then consider if your response will be shifting or supportive.
• Keep track of your use of pronouns. An over-reliance on ‘I’ and ‘me’ can indicate a desire to steer the conversation toward you.
• During an argument, accept that people are rarely willing to change their viewpoint. Instead of becoming angry, try to understand the other person’s logic.
• Increase your motivation to listen. This motivation might be the desire to improve a relationship, make someone feel better, or make an exchange as clear as possible.

Do you ever catch yourself tuning out the person you are speaking with? What techniques do you use to make your listening more active? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Why do we often say “yes” when we’d rather say “no?” Most of us like to be obliging and, in general, agreeing is easier than the alternative. But when we offer an easy “yes” we risk overcommitting our time, energy or even money (Tweet it!).
 
Saying ”no” can restore our autonomy (http://nyti.ms/2yIPrde).
But some of us have to learn how to do it. One technique is called refusal strategy. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research, by Professor Vanessa M Patrick and Henrik Hagtvedt, found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” helped participants to avoid unwanted commitments.
 
Salesperson pushing you to open a store credit card? “Sorry, I don’t use anything except my Frequent Flyer Rewards card.” Co-workers pressuring you to go out drinking? “No, I don't go out during the week.” Of course it’s more difficult when your boss asks you to take on yet another project, but you can try phrasing your “don't” positively, as in “I don't want my other pressing project to suffer.”
 
Naturally, we can’t say “no” to everything, but it’s easier to say no when you know how to say it. And the more you say it, the easier it gets.
 
Do you say “yes” more often than you want? In what situations does this happen? What methods have you used for tempering this habit? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Even though none of us relishes receiving criticism, it can have a silver lining (Tweet it!). William Treseder, a founding partner at Silicon Valley consulting firm BMNT, writes in The Harvard Business Review, we can use it to “slingshot” our growth.

Citing a personal story of being rejected by a Marine Corps recruiter and later being accepted after he lost 100 pounds, Treseder says that how we initially react to negative feedback can mean the difference between success and failure. We thwart ourselves, he says, when we take criticism of our behavior as criticism of our identity, when we are stubborn perfectionists, and when we cling to the fallacy that one person can be good at everything. To productively deal with negative feedback, he suggests the following:
 
1.    Embrace emotions – It's only natural to be upset. Let yourself feel that, but let your upset subside before moving forward.
2.    Don’t demonize: It's easy to label someone a jerk for criticizing you, but remember they at least made the effort to be honest with you.
3.    Prioritize: Sort through the feedback to see what’s worth tackling first.
4.    Piggyback on a skill: Target one key area of your behavior and see how you can improve upon it.
5.    Commit: Thank the giver of your feedback, tell them about your goal to change, and set a time to meet again in a month or so.
 
Have you ever used bluntly negative feedback to motivate yourself to improve? What was the result? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

When reporter Bret Stephens accepted the Lowry Award for excellence in Australian Foreign Affairs Journalism, he gave a talk on a subject dear to his heart: disagreement.(http://nyti.ms/2xCl4oA)

Stephens noted that the words I agree form the basis of community. But the words I disagree “define our individuality, give us our freedom, enjoin our tolerance, enlarge our perspectives, seize our attention, energize our progress, make our democracies real, and give hope and courage to oppressed people...” He cited Galileo, Darwin, Nelson Mandela, and Rosa Parks as among the ranks of those who disagreed.

But Stephens says we are failing at disagreement, expressing discord in ways that are increasingly virulent, violent, and embittering. He says our disagreements are non-productive when they are based on misunderstandings. Productive disagreements, on the other hand, “arise from perfect comprehension...”

What makes our disagreements so toxic is that “we refuse to make eye contact with our opponents, or try to see things as they might, or find some middle ground.” His remedy: “Shut up; listen up; pause and reconsider; and only then speak.”
 
When is the last time you actively chose to spend time with people you disagree with and discuss your differences? (Tweet it!) Did you learn anything, about them or yourself? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around communication mastery, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

You got the job! But should you take it, decline it, or attempt to renegotiate the offer? Writing in The Harvard Business Review, Rebecca Knight, journalist and lecturer at Wesleyan University, offers a compendium of expert advice:
 

• Shift Your Mindset: John Lees, a UK-based career strategist and author of The Success Code, points out that getting an offer marks a new phase in your relationship with a potential employer. Stay enthusiastic but remember that you now have more leverage.
• Be Methodical: “Think about what matters to you in both your professional and private life and then assess the offer,” says Jeff Weiss, president of Lesley University and author of The HBR Guide to Negotiating. “Think…in terms of your development, your quality of life, and the variety of the work you want to do.”
• Consider Trade-Offs: No job offer is perfect, Weiss adds, so know your priorities—be they salary, flexibility, cultural fit, or job content.

 
Not every job offer is right. Don't neglect any red flags you see, and don't forget to consider your walkaway alternatives (Tweet it!). If you do say no, be respectful. You never know when your paths will cross again.
 
Have you ever successfully renegotiated a job offer, or turned one down after much deliberation? What advice do you have to offer? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

We continually hear how polarized we are as a nation. But if polarization is so bad, why are we so drawn to it? (Tweet it!) Sharon Schuman, author of the book Freedom and Dialogue in a Polarized World, asked that question and came up with these answers:
 

• Taking refuge among the like-minded builds self-esteem.
• Disdaining those who disagree builds a sense of community.
• It’s fun to feel superior.
• Polarization is the path of least resistance.
• A well-defined enemy makes it easier to gather power.
• Polarization makes us feel freer to speak out and act.

 
Trying to fathom why an intelligent person of good will might disagree with us takes effort, but the truth is that disagreements are inevitable. Says Schuman: “Our real problem is that we are torn between the seductions of polarizing short cuts to self-esteem and community, and the hard work of trying to see from the perspectives of others with whom we may never agree.”
 
Do you think you get any sort of satisfaction from feeling polarized? What might you do to bridge the gap between you and those on the other side? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

Are anti-bullying policies stopping workplace bullying? Not according to a survey recently conducted by Joseph Grenny and David Maxfield, co-authors of the books Crucial Conversations and Influencer. Ninety-six percent of respondents said they had experienced workplace bullying, and indicated that most of the alleged bullies had been in their positions for over a year (89%), or over five years (54%). Only 6% said their companies’ anti-bullying policies prevented bullying.

The sad truth is that many who feel bullied don’t do anything about it. They try to avoid the problem, but the unintended consequence of avoidance is perpetuation. “Silence is not golden. Silence is permission,” says Maxfield.

We agree: What we permit, we promote (Tweet it!). So it’s important to know your workplace policies and document incidents of bullying (e.g. browbeating, intimidation, sabotaging). Perhaps most effective of all—if you do not feel at risk doing so—is addressing (in private) the person you believe is abusing power. If you choose to do this, try our models for raising issues and responding to criticism. Then ask what you can do to improve communication going forward so that the pattern doesn’t repeat. 

We want to hear: Are you aware of workplace bullying and, if so, do you and those around you tend to confront or avoid the problem? If you have addressed the situation, what has been the outcome? Join the conversation and click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

Laughter establishes closeness and conveys meaning. It sends micro-messages to our conversation partner via its length, tone, and accompanying facial expressions. “It does the work of establishing cohesion,” said Michelle McSweeney, a Columbia University researcher who studies digital communication. It indicates, “I feel comfortable enough around you to laugh.”
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Just as there are many variants on face-to-face laughter, there are many ways of laughing online (Tweet it!). For example:
 
 LOL – This is the classic acronym for “laughing out loud” of course.       But, as digital communication expert Jessica Bennett writes in The New York Times, nowadays it “actually means the opposite, because nobody using LOL has really laughed out loud since at least 2015.”
 
HAHAHA – Currently the rage, this mirthful triplet is what's often used to express – without irony – “I’m dying laughing.”
 
HA – This monosyllable actually has nothing to do with humor, and is used instead to convey the skeptical sentiment, “Yeah, right.”
 
haha? –  This is reserved for that friend who texts you the inappropriate joke, when you are not sure if you’re supposed to laugh.
                                     
ha ha ha (note the spaces) -- This indicates, Bennett says, “ what my   13-year-old self might have referred to as “hardy har har” — or, very funny — NOT.”
 
Confused?  There is always the emoji ha — which is “crying tears of laughter “and should not be confused with “crying tears of sadness” that is apparently the most common emoji on Instagram.  
 
What’s the way you indicate laughter online? Do you you use variations for nuance? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Nobody wants to see listeners’ eyes glaze over in boredom as we tell our favorite story—whether during a presentation or at a party. Ideally we want rapt attention. To that end, advice from Harvard psychologist Dan Gilbert (http://n.pr/2uGZ8b0) might be useful.
 
According to Gilbert, you might well induce blank stares when you dwell on topics that are unfamiliar—such as your exotic vacation or a movie no one’s seen. He and colleagues Gus Cooney and Timothy Wilson found “speakers tend to think listeners will most enjoy hearing novel stories…and that makes perfectly good sense. We think of communication as an attempt to tell people things they don't already know.”
 
But what Gilbert and company’s experiments showed was that listeners much preferred to hear about experiences they’d already had. They exposed people to stories about novel and familiar experiences, finding that stories about familiar experiences were enjoyed much more. Bottom line: Link with familiar ground to keep people engaged (Tweet it!). As Aristotle said: “The fool persuades me with his reasons, the wise man with my own.”
 
What’s an anecdote you love to tell that people react to best? Do you consider the topic familiar? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.