Whenever we ask people to share stories about stressful family encounters at the holidays, we are amazed at the outpouring of fraught memories. But reliving the conflicts of holidays past won’t help us deal with the present. This season, try something new. When Uncle Joe or Aunt Blanche blurts out an unwelcome opinion or a political jab, resist the temptation to engage in point/counterpoint. This quickly devolves into a situation where everyone feels the only way to “win” is to get louder and LOUDER! Instead, ask for more information about your relative’s point of view—and actually listen to that information. (Do this even if the point of view they are sharing is a direct criticism of you.) Only true listening can provide you the information you need to have influence. And it is only when your “adversary” feels heard that they will even begin to consider another point of view (Tweet it!). Additionally: *avoid conversation killers like “You always…” and “You never…” (Tweet it!); *show the other person that you understand how they came to feel the way they do; *own your part of the situation and acknowledge how you may be contributing to it. Be realistic: You are not going to achieve perfect harmony with everyone at the dinner table. But with a little resolve you can certainly improve your batting average. And with the current political landscape, every bit helps. Happy holidays! We want to hear: How did this advice work for you this holiday season? Join the conversation and click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.
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When it comes to persuading others, appearing confident matters – even as much as competence. If we’re feeling less than fully confident in a situation, there are still many things we can do to project self-assurance. Writing in Forbes, career counselor Amy Blank offers tips for exuding confidence with your body language—even before you utter one word (Tweet it!):
And here’s the best part: It is possible to act ourselves into new ways of feeling (Tweet it!). As you perform these simple actions, you may actually begin to feel more confident! We want to hear: What strategies do you use to appear more confident than you may actually feel? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. Saying “thank you” is the ultimate win/win. Research shows that expressing gratitude increases feelings of personal well being. If you are looking for someone to practice your “thank you’s” on, start close to home. John Gottman, Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute of Seattle says: “Masters of relationships have a habit of scanning the world for things they can thank their partner for. People whose relationships go down the tubes scan the world for their partner’s mistakes.” We want to hear: What happened when you upped the level of thanks you expressed to people around you? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion A Purdue University evolutionary scientist studied chicken egg-laying productivity. He selected just an average flock, and let it alone for six generations. He also created a second flock of only the most productive chickens for breeding -- a.k.a. super-chickens. After six generations the average group’s egg production had increased dramatically. In the super chicken group, only three chickens survived. They'd pecked the rest to death. As author Margaret Heffernan notes in her Ted talk on competition ,”The individually productive chickens had achieved their success by suppressing the productivity of the rest.” Heffernan notes that many people compare that super-flock of “killer pecking chickens” to their own companies which reward ultra competition. Even with the mounting body of evidence demonstrating that groups that collaborate effectively far outperform individuals, most of us have been encouraged throughout life to compete in most everything—from youth sports to college admissions to “climbing the corporate ladder.” Must collaboration undermine an individual’s drive to shine? Heffernan says no. As she points out, people we think of as “stars” are really highly skilled collaborators. Notes Hefferman, “I sat in on the auditions at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art in London. And what I saw there really surprised me. The teachers weren't looking for individual pyrotechnics. They were looking for what happened between the students, because that's where the drama is…And when I went to visit companies that are renowned for their ingenuity and creativity, I couldn't even see any superstars, because everybody there really matters.” We want to hear: Is your workplace a “super-chicken” environment? What could be done to instill a more collaborative approach? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. Multitasking—for example, pausing while you read this blog to toggle to a new email and back—has been shown in many recent studies to lead to errors and distraction. Nevertheless, our gadgets enable multitasking to the point where monotasking (a.k.a. “single-tasking” or, simply, doing one thing at a time) has become a skill that needs to be practiced. Any experience can be improved by paying full attention to it, says Kelly McGonigal, a psychologist, Stanford lecturer, and author of The Willpower Instinct. Listening is among the most important of these experiences. “Practice how you listen to people,” McGonigal urges. “Put down anything that’s in your hands and turn all of your attentional channels to the person who is talking. You should be looking at them, listening to them, and your body should be turned to them. If you want to see a benefit from monotasking, if you want to have any kind of social rapport or influence on someone, that’s the place to start. That’s where you’ll see the biggest payoff.” We want to hear: In what circumstances do you feel you give your full attention when someone else is speaking? Would you like to improve the frequency with which you do this, and what strategies can you share? To join the conversation, click "comments" below. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion Getting-to-know-you games can seem like they’re making an awkward situation more so, whether at freshman dorms or corporate retreats. But psychologist Anton Villado insists that icebreakers work. Formerly a Rice University professor and now a consultant to businesses who want to improve company culture, Villado says icebreakers accomplish three things:
Susan Mohammed, a professor of industrial and organizational psychology at Penn State, says that the key to getting something out of an icebreaker is managing your expectations. We agree that icebreakers are just a start to creating a climate that encourages comfortable interaction. Building genuine trust requires time, shared experiences, and ongoing communication. We want to hear: What’s your favorite group icebreaker? How does it work and why do you think it is so successful? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion Family businesses represent over 80 percent of North American enterprises, and like all organizations, have their share of conflict. But family business conflict that has to do with such items as goals, strategies and processes can be productive and motivational, as long as any relational/emotional components are well managed. So says a new study by Kennesaw State University and EY Family Business Services, which collected data from 25 of the world’s largest family businesses in each of 21 top global markets. In the survey, nearly half the family businesses reported potentially dysfunctional conflict. It was how they dealt with it that made the difference between success and failure—not to mention family happiness versus interpersonal distress. The report pinpoints specific traits that family businesses use to help reduce unhealthy conflict. Among them:
As we’ve long said, no business can or should flee from conflict, but instead mine it for its potential power to generate greatness. We want to hear: Have you ever been part of a family business? How does your business address conflict and do you think it does so successfully? To join the conversation, click "comments" below on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion In a survey from the John Templeton Foundation, 60% of 2000 respondents said they "either never express gratitude at work or do so perhaps once a year." Yet another survey from cloud consultancy Appirio found that 60% of job seekers said they cared the most about whether the staff at their prospective employer felt appreciated. And repeated studies confirm that gratitude helps both engagement and productivity. A recent Fast Company article suggested five ways to add more gratitude to your workplace. We endorse them!
We want to hear: Do you feel you say thank you enough, or that you are thanked enough at work? What will you do to add more gratitude to your workday? To join the conversation, click "comments" below on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion Another day, another prediction. Election season means endless punditry, but who is best at predicting the future? In a recent NPR “On the Media” interview University of Pennsylvania professor Philip Tetlock, author of Superforecasting, says all predictions are not created equal. Over many years, Tetlock and his colleagues ran a large-scale experiment in forecasting called the Good Judgment Project, which trained and tracked the performance of over 2,000 individuals, and systematically evaluated the factors that lead to better forecasting behaviors. The takeaway: Foxes make better predictors than hedgehogs. Hedgehogs are people who predict based on their firm belief in what they see as a few fundamental truths. Foxes draw on diverse threads of evidence and ideas. Foxes are also more likely to adjust their forecasts when new information surfaces; hedgehogs often discount new data that contradicts what they think they already know. We have talked about selective perception often in our courses. After we create a belief theory about another person, we too often fail to notice new data that could contradict our belief about the individual. That’s dangerous hedgehog living! We want to hear: Do you consider yourself a fox or a hedgehog? How adept do you think you are at forecasting the future? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion In a study by Georgetown University and the Thunderbird School of Global Management, 96% of nearly 3,000 participants say they have experienced uncivil behavior in the workplace. Now organizations from Dish Satellite Corp to the NSA are following a lead set by companies like the employee-friendly Southwest Airlines, and implementing programs to improve civility among co-workers. Warm and fuzzy time wasting? Not at all. Cisco Systems estimated the cost of employee incivility at $8.3 million annually and took action to counter the weakened commitment that resulted. At the top of Georgetown U Professor Christine Porath’s recommendations: Never criticize people behind their backs. We agree. For decades we have shared with our audiences that if your frustration is great enough to vent to a third party, it’s important to discuss your issue face-to-face with the person concerned. We want to hear from you: If someone comes to you with a gripe or complaint about someone else, what do you do? Do you get involved or send the individual back to the source of his or her concern? Do you ever enlist someone as your “sounding board” instead of going to the source of your concern? To join the conversation, click "comments" below. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. For years we’ve spoken and written about the profound impact of nonverbal communication on our ability to persuade. Harvard Business School professor and researcher Amy Cuddy presents evidence for a direct link between body, mind, behavior, and outcomes. Not feeling powerful? Cuddy says “Fake it ‘til you make it—or, better yet, ‘til you become it.” Before entering a high-stress situation where others will evaluate you—like a job interview or presentation—Cuddy suggests striking a “power pose,” such as Starfish (arms up in victory pose) or Superman/Superwoman (hands on waist/chest out). Doing this for two minutes (in private:) will lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol. According to Cuddy: “You’ll feel better about yourself and others will experience you as more dynamic. The end game: more success!” We want to hear from you: Give power-posing a two-minute try. Does it boost your confidence and up your game? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. Jonathan Swift once said, “Good manners is the art of making those feel easy with whom we converse.” Writing in Inc., Alison Davis, CEO of Davis & Company, echoes the sentiment, contending that the biggest communication mistake we can make is forgetting our manners by not taking our listeners’ needs into account. When it comes to communication, Davis says, bad manners can take many forms. Among them:
We agree. As we’ve long said, it is critical that you know your audience and meet them where they are—not where you wish they were, or where your last audience was. Understanding what your listeners need in the moment encourages them to understand you in turn. We want to hear: Can you give us an example of how learning about an audience’s needs ahead of time served your message well – or when failing to do so caused a problem? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. Still upset with your boss for not including you in an important meeting? Still annoyed at your brother for scheduling a family reunion when you couldn’t come? Your body may be suffering too! Researchers at Duke University Medical Center found that people who practice forgiveness experienced fewer feelings of anger, resentment, depression—and fewer aches and pains. “Our emotions, muscle tension, and thoughts can directly influence the strength of our pain signals,” explains researcher James W. Carson, Ph.D. Grudges are not only bad for us physically, they don’t do much for us emotionally either. They hurt us way more than they hurt the person we are angry with. Start the process of giving up a grudge by setting an intention to do so. Encourage even the smallest feelings of forgiveness, and replace negative thoughts with reasons to let go. Ask yourself: How does it help me to hold onto this anger? Chances are you will come up short of a good answer. We want to hear from you: What happens when you tried replacing anger and resentment with forgiveness? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. “I don’t know, what do you think?” Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Melissa Daimler, head of Twitter’s Global Learning & Organizational Development team, says this is a question leaders should be unafraid to ask those who work with them. “But,” she warns, “it only works in an organization that values listening.” In organizations that do leading edge work, Daimier says, there may be more than one right answer. “You’ll only hear it if you listen,” she adds, reminding us that listening “can be a challenging skill to master.” Twitter’s management development sessions highlight three levels of listening:
When you engage in 360 listening, Daimier says, ”You’re not only listening to what the person is saying, but how they’re saying it — and, even better, what they’re not saying, like when they get energized about certain topics or when they pause and talk around others. She adds that “listening creates spaciousness…” and the converse is also true: I listen more when I create space in my day…When I strategically create space on my calendar to reflect on a conversation and prepare for the next one, I can be more present for others.” We want to hear: What percentage of your listening time do you think you devote to 360 listening. How do you think you can up this amount? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. Gossip may seem like a quick way to bond with co-workers, but research shows that gossipers are perceived as unlikeable and lacking social influence. Prolific gossipers were liked less than non-gossipers, and negative gossipers were liked least of all. Still, gossip proliferates when mistrust of formal workplace channels is high, and when workers feel they have few opportunities to directly raise sensitive issues. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, author and social scientist John Grenny, points out that, ironically, the more gossip is used, the more the need for it is reinforced: “Risk-free yakking about problems temporarily distracts us from our sense of responsibility to solve them.” How to change the culture? Grenny says:
We want to hear. How do you react when a co-worker wants to share gossip? What outlets, if any, does your organization offer as a way to air grievances, concerns, and sensitive issues other than gossip? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. |
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