The Silent Treatment: Are You Quietly Ruining Your Relationships?

Have you ever used the silent treatment? This “noisy” silence can destroy relationships — and there is a better way…
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The silent treatment is intentionally refusing to communicate with someone. Writing in the New York Times, Jane Dunn canvassed experts as to its repercussions.

Kipling Williams, emeritus professor of psychological sciences at Purdue University has studied the effects of the silent treatment for over 30 years.

He and others refer to its use as “noisy silence” because the point is to demonstrate to the other person that they are actively being ignored. It might even include tactics like leaving the room when they enter — perhaps adding a door slam!

Using the silent treatment can feel powerful in the moment, because it makes the other person uncomfortable. But, despite its common use, it can have long-term consequences in a relationship. Dr. Gail Saltz, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital, says, “The silent treatment is a punishment, whether you are acknowledging that to yourself or not.” That can destroy trust and fail to solve the actual problem. So what works better?

• If you’re tempted to give the silent treatment:  Ask for a timeout instead: “I can’t talk to you right now because I’m too upset to do it well. I’m going to go for a walk and come back in an hour.” Give a clear time when you will be back and willing to talk.
• If you’re on the receiving end:  Instead of prolonging the silence try: “I want to make things better between us. And I need more information about what is happening with you so I can try to do that.”

Have you ever given or received the silent treatment, and how did the episode resolve? To join the conversation, click on "comments" below.

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