When Someone is Upset, Here’s One Question to Ask

It’s hard when someone you care about is upset, but asking them one simple question can help...

​We can feel helpless when someone we care about is emotionally overwhelmed, and the last thing we want to do is say the wrong thing.  Writing in the New York Times, Janee Dunn recounts the advice she got from a special education teacher.

When one of her students is upset, she asks them: "Do you want to be helped, heard, or hugged?" Writes Dunn:, “It struck me that this question could be just as effective for adults.”

Everyone handles emotions in their own way.  And each option — thoughtful  advice, empathetic listening, or a hug — has the power to comfort and soothe.  A hug can release oxytocin, a bonding hormone that tamps down stress.  Likewise, being heard with high quality listening has been shown to reduce defensiveness.  Also, some research suggests that couples who give each other supportive advice create higher relationship satisfaction.

Different emotions lead to upset and each may necessitate a different response.  For example, someone experiencing anxiety may appreciate reassurance, but someone who is frustrated may rather be heard.  And don’t try to problem-solve unless that kind of intervention is requested.  Someone who is upset may already be aware of solutions, but they may want to process their experience before moving on. 

What do you most often need when you are upset, and how do you communicate that?  To join the conversation, click on "comments" below.

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