Ignoring your kids in favor of your cell phone? Research shows what your gut may already tell you: It hurts their feelings. In researching her book The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age, psychologist Catherine Steiner-Adair interviewed 1,000 children between the ages of 4 and 18 about their parents' use of mobile devices. The language that came up over and over again was "sad, mad, angry and lonely." Some gleefully shared how they tossed a parent's phone into the toilet or hid it in the oven.
 
If you’d like to preserve your cell phone—and possibly your family relationships—we recommend setting an intention to pay attention to your kids when you’re together. We agree with Steiner-Adair when she says, "We are behaving in ways that certainly tell children they don't matter, they're not interesting to us, they're not as compelling as anybody, anything, any ping that may interrupt our time with them.” Small wonder that children (and spouses and friends and colleagues…) may act out more to get a crumb of our attention.
 
We want to hear from you: Have you experienced “disconnects” because you’re preoccupied with technology? Have you felt the ping of disrespect when someone chooses a cell phone over you? Do you have any solutions? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

Jonathan Swift once said, “Good manners is the art of making those feel easy with whom we converse.”  Writing in Inc., Alison Davis, CEO of Davis & Company, echoes the sentiment, contending that the biggest communication mistake we can make is forgetting our manners by not taking our listeners’ needs into account.
 





When it comes to communication, Davis says, bad manners can take many forms. Among them:
 

• Using words and terms that are difficult for your listeners to comprehend;

 

• Not providing a context because you assume people know most of what you know;

 

• Choosing a means of communication because it's convenient for you, even if it doesn't work for them;

 

• Responding to questions as if those who ask are "dumb" or annoying;

 

• Wasting people’s time by not getting to the point.

 
We agree. As we’ve long said, it is critical that you know your audience and meet them where they are—not where you wish they were, or where your last audience was. Understanding what your listeners need in the moment encourages them to understand you in turn.
 
We want to hear: Can you give us an example of how learning about an audience’s needs ahead of time served your message well – or when failing to do so caused a problem? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

Still upset with your boss for not including you in an important meeting? Still annoyed at your brother for scheduling a family reunion when you couldn’t come? Your body may be suffering too! Researchers at Duke University Medical Center found that people who practice forgiveness experienced fewer feelings of anger, resentment, depression—and fewer aches and pains. “Our emotions, muscle tension, and thoughts can directly influence the strength of our pain signals,” explains researcher James W. Carson, Ph.D.

Grudges are not only bad for us physically, they don’t do much for us emotionally either. They hurt us way more than they hurt the person we are angry with. Start the process of giving up a grudge by setting an intention to do so. Encourage even the smallest feelings of forgiveness, and replace negative thoughts with reasons to let go. Ask yourself: How does it help me to hold onto this anger? Chances are you will come up short of a good answer.  

We want to hear from you: What happens when you tried replacing anger and resentment with forgiveness? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

As we get ready for a job interview, first date, or public speech, we often hear the advice, “Just be yourself.” But, as Adam Grant, Wharton professor and author of Originals: How Non-Conformists Change the World, points out, no one wants to hear your every unedited thought, and we can pay a price for being “too authentic.”

How much you aim for authenticity depends on a personality trait called self-monitoring. High self-monitors constantly scan their environment for social cues and adjust their communication. They dislike social awkwardness and want to avoid giving offense. Low self-monitors are guided by their inner states, regardless of circumstances. (In one intriguing study, when a steak was served, high self-monitors tasted it before adding salt, whereas low self-monitors salted it first.)

In the workplace, high self-monitors advance more quickly and earn higher status, in part because they’re more concerned about their reputations. And while that would seem to reward “phonies”, these high self-monitors spend more time discerning what others need and helping them get it. In a comprehensive analysis of 136 studies of more than 23,000 employees, high self-monitors received much higher evaluations and were more likely to rise to leadership.
 
We want to hear: Do you consider yourself a high or low self-monitor? Can you offer an example of the ways in which you successfully monitor what you communicate to others? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.