Do you try to avoid arguing with your partner? If so you are hardly alone. Many couples go out of their way to avoid quarrels. But Janice Webb, PhD., a therapist writing in Psychology Today  shares research suggesting that this avoidance can be a self-defeating strategy. “Suppressed feelings of frustration, annoyance, anger, or hurt may build up enough to cause a major eruption or lie under the surface for decades, driving a couple farther and farther apart.”

Webb compares healthy arguing to a bolt of lightning: “Just like lightning crystallizes the electric charge and clears it from the air during a storm, fights can calm relationships by crystallizing and clearing the negative emotion between the partners.” 

There is a natural cycle that characterizes a healthy relationship, says the author: harmony (which cannot last forever) rupture (the challenging part), and repair. The repair process strengthens a relationship in three ways:  

1. You get to know one another better by learning about one another’s feelings;
2. You each learn what you can do to contribute to your partner’s happiness;
3. You send powerful messages to your partner that they matter to you. When you are vulnerable (“I’m feeling left out”), you are communicating trust. When you stick through a painful conflict, you are communicating commitment.
   
   

Have you ever gone out of your way to avoid arguing with your partner, and if so, why? Have you ever had a fight that led to greater closeness?

​To join the conversation, click "comments" above, we’d really like to get your feedback.

For a leader who wants to inspire, few things are more important than communicating with employees in a positive way. Writing in Inc., Marcel Schwantes, founder and Chief Human officer of Leadership From the Core, says “there are certain undeniable phrases that, if we use them more often with team members, will result in an increase in trust and loyalty.”

Schwantes offers five examples of what great leaders will genuinely put into words to engage minds and hearts:
 

1. We couldn’t have pulled off this project without you. This is especially gratifying if said In the presence of others.
2. I could use your advice. Research shows people who ask for advice are perceived as more competent. 
3. What can I do to help?  This phrase is especially welcome during stressful times.
4. This was clearly my mistake. Effective leaders show humility and acknowledge their own shortcomings.
5. I don't know. Being comfortable with not knowing allows one to learn and grow,

 
When was the last time you used one of these phrases, or heard your manager use one? What was the impact? To join the conversation, click "comments" above (just below the picture).  We would really to hear your feedback.

During conflict, it’s typical to move into a “flight or fight response.” Our brain is ‘hijacked’ by our amygdala, seat of fear and anxiety, and we may lose access to rational thinking. Our face may redden and our speech quicken — and because of “mirror neurons” the person to whom we are speaking may become agitated as well.  However, writing in the Harvard Business Review, Amy Gallo, author of The HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict, says, “It’s possible to interrupt this physical response, manage your emotions, and clear the way for a productive discussion.”
 
Here are some tips for calming yourself down once you’ve gotten worked up:

• Breathe: The simple mindfulness technique of focusing on the sensations of inhaling and exhaling can counter the physical signs of panic and keep you focused.
• Focus on your body: Standing up and walking around can help activate the thinking part of your brain. You might say, “I feel like I need to stretch some. Mind if I walk around a bit?”
• Try saying a mantra:  Come up with a phrase that you can repeat to remind yourself to stay calm, e.g. “Go to neutral” or “This will pass.”
• Acknowledge and label your feelings:  Distance yourself from your thoughts and emotions by naming them: “I am feeling angry because I have the thought that my co-worker is blaming me.” When you put space between you and your emotions it’s easier to let them go.
• Take a break: The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be.

 
How did you handle the last conversation you had when you were “worked up” and what do you wish you might have done differently? To join the conversation, click "comments" above (just below the picture).  We would really like to hear your feedback.

Remote workforces present unique challenges. So leaders must be more intentional than ever in promoting engagement and the productivity that increases as a result.
 
Managing a fully remote company, Lou Elliott-Cysewski, co-founder and CEO of Coolperx, a net climate-neutral merchandising company, shares the lessons she has learned in Inc.:

• Keep Things Short: Attention spans in a virtual setting are shorter than in person, so be concise.
• Check In: Now is not the time to reduce one-on-one meetings. But do keep them short, and follow up later.
• Encourage Explicit Verbal Communication: Be as clear as possible with your words, as you do not have all of the usual body language and non-verbal cues to back you up.
• Avoid Constant Interruptions: Nothing kills productivity like a barrage of “notifications.”
• Celebrate Wins, Big and Small:  The remote environment can lead to feelings of isolation. To build connection, leaders must take extra care to call out the contributions of individuals and groups.
• Promote Overall Wellness:  Encourage your team to take a proactive approach to wellness. And set an example: Showing your employees that health and wellness are essential is way better than just saying so.

 
What has been your greatest challenge in working remotely, and how has your leadership addressed it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above (just below the picture).  We would really like to hear your feedback!