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Be curious, not furious.

1/31/2023

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Defensiveness is a deterrent to productive communication. As soon as you get your hackles up, a new conversation begins — and this one is all about your reaction! The original topic is derailed.

As Debra Roberts, interpersonal communication author, writes in Inc., we can easily spot defensive reactions in others, but it can be harder to spot them in ourselves. We all wear emotional armor and often feel threatened when it is pierced. 

Defensiveness is a form of self-protection that can present in many forms: Making excuses, ignoring or talking over the other person, criticizing the behavior of the other person, or becoming highly emotional.

To curtail defensive reactions:
  • Pause before responding:  Breathe deeply, ground your feet on the floor, and stay present. Pause at least 5 seconds before replying.
  • Shift your mindset: Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. What do they wish you would understand? Create space for the other person to feel heard.
  • Buy some time: Ask for more information: “Can you tell me more about that so I can understand? Is there anything else?” or even “I’d like some time to think about that.” 

​What do you typically do when you start to feel defensive? If its an over-reaction, do you think you can break the cycle? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. We would love to hear about your experiences!

For more details on how to respond non-defensively to criticism, check out our BreakThrough Conflict curriculum.  

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.

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Build Loyalty Through Engagement

1/24/2023

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If you're struggling with turnover, or looking to solidify what's currently working in your organization, you've likely been thinking about employee engagement plans. With the media continually talking about attrition and “quiet quitting,” this seems an urgent topic to address.

Organizations need engagement plans that resonate with employees, writes executive coach Robin Camarote. Yet too often such plans are a hodge-podge of initiatives. “Engagement is separate from compensation policies, rewards, and appreciation efforts, like parties and gifts,” says Camarote. "We work best," concludes the author, "when we are invited to participate in arriving at solutions to our day-to-day struggles."

The most effective employee engagement programs consist of a series of conversations among leaders and staff that address four essential pillars of engagement:  Purpose, Communication, Workplace Environment, and Relationships. 

These four engagement pillars can include as much or as little formality as desired. For a more simple approach, consider hosting a series of open-ended discussions focusing on one pillar at a time.

To learn more about structuring employee engagement conversations, check out our Hardwiring Teamwork curriculum.   

What is your organization doing to enhance employee engagement? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. 

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.   

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Make Meetings Great

1/17/2023

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“There are countess ways to screw up a meeting,” writes contributing editor Jeff Haden in Inc.. In fact, many employees view meetings as “costly” and “unproductive.”

Research shows meetings are even less useful when they start late and when there are too many of them. They are especially counter-productive when participants complain in ways that express futility. Killer phrases like “Nothing can be done about that” or “Nothing will work” can set off a chain reaction of negativity that — as you can imagine — lessens the odds of productive outcomes. 

Yet, Haden says, smart leaders know how to convert even a sense of futility into effective problem solving. Here’s how: Begin setting an expectation that requires everyone to reframe objections or different opinions as questions.    

If a participant says, ”There’s no way we can get everyone to work overtime this weekend,” the leader can reply, “Please reframe that as a question.”  That might sound like:  “How can we get our staff to work overtime this weekend?” Similarly, “We will never finish this job on time,” becomes “What actions can we take to finish this job on time?” 

Soon enough, such reframing becomes a habit! Now, you’re in problem solving mode.

Many of you have experienced our Hardwiring Teamwork course that offers step-by-step guidelines on how to make meetings successful. Check it out here. 
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What do you do to ensure your meetings are productive, and what do you avoid? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.

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Actions of Great Leaders

1/3/2023

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It’s easy to enumerate the qualities of a good leader (inspiring, authentic, collaborative, empowering), but what are the actions that enable leaders to personify these qualities? According to Inc., contributing Jeff Haden, great leaders carry out several of the following strategies:
  • You Promote the Right People:  When employees feel promotions are fair and well deserved, productivity goes up and turnover goes down. Make sure your employees understand the value, and the key drivers of outstanding performance, for every position. The more they understand the responsibilities and goals of a particular job, the more likely they are to understand why you chose the individual who fills that role.
  • You Deal with Toxic Employees: The bad behavior of a toxic employee can be infectious. Removing a toxic employee can significantly boost morale and the bottom line. 
  • You Don’t Serve the Feedback Sandwich: This term refers to leading with a positive, sharing the negative or "constructive" feedback, then closing with another positive. Sound good? Alas, research shows this makes most employees feel manipulated or patronized. Instead try something like:  "I'm giving you this feedback because I have very high expectations for you that I know you can reach."
  • You Admit You Don't Know Everything: Humble leaders are more effective because they are seen as empathetic, approachable, relatable, and helpful. You should be seen as someone who wants to get things done — and knows you can’t do it alone.

Which of the above strategies do you believe is most important to your own leadership style? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022. 

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Wishing You 12 Months of Positive Communication

12/27/2022

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Let's face it: The last year has been disruptive for many, and universal stressors may have taken tolls on your relationships. We cannot always change circumstances, but we can change our responses. Instead of navigating through important moments of communication on automatic pilot, reacting from emotion rather than intention, we can transform our relationships by being proactive with positive communication. As we approach 2023, consider making a resolution to practice 12 months of healthy communication.

As communication researchers and partners in work and marriage for decades, we’ve experienced both the joy and challenge of personal and business communication and have found some simple steps to resolve conflict and build trust in relationships:
  • Listen when your impulse is to argue.
  • Edit accusations that might make someone feel put down, and instead describe your feelings.
  • If you have a grievance, pinpoint details with specific examples and without loaded words.
  • Acknowledge your role in any problem.
  • Reach explicit, collaborative solutions that specify what each person will do differently in the future.
Confronting issues is never an easy matter, but avoidance can be hazardous not just to our relationships, but also to our personal well-being.

Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, communicative 2023!

Do you have a New Year’s resolution that involves communication?  To join the conversation, click "comments" located just below the photo for this article.  We'd love to hear your feedback!

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Instead of Saying “I’m Sorry” At Work…

12/20/2022

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Some people use the phrase “I’m sorry” reflexively, even if they didn't really do anything wrong. In the workplace, this might make people think less of you, in addition to weakening the power of future heartfelt apologies. The habit itself may spring from insecurity, says Patrice Williams Lindo, CEO of the consulting firm Career Nomad. 

According to Lindo there are many viable and effective options to over-apologizing at work, for example:

  • When You're Experiencing Technical Difficulties:  Regardless of how tech-savvy you are, glitches happen, and they’re rarely your fault. Instead of apologizing for issues out of your control, try, “I appreciate your patience.”
  • If You Need to Join a Conversation:  There’s no need to say “sorry” for adding your point of view. Instead of apologizing, use phrases like “I’d love to add,” or “Here’s a different perspective.” These phrases help you contribute without sounding timid about doing so.
  • If You’ve Made An Error:  We all make mistakes. If you've done something incorrectly or inadvertently offended someone, saying “I’m sorry” wouldn’t be wrong, but there might be even better options. Consider, “Thank you for your feedback”, ” I take full responsibility” or ,“Thank you for bringing that to my attention…how can I improve?”

When was the last time you apologized at work, and how did you do it? Any insights you can share? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. 

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for  Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.


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Conversations in Divided Times

12/13/2022

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Sixty-two percent of Americans say they feel unsafe expressing their political opinions. When the right and the left are so polarized, it is tough to have a conversation that doesn't get overheated. But, according to Monica Guzman, who works in Communication at the nonprofit Braver Angels, and who authored the new book "I Never Thought of It That Way", says divergent viewpoints don't need to obliterate relationships. 

Guzmán notes that we have sorted ourselves into silos where we rarely have to confront those with different ideologies, making it easier to dehumanize them. But, she contends, we can have manageable conversations across our self-assigned blocs if we replace certainty with curiosity. 

Guzman proposes that we can all have INTUIT moments (“I Never Thought of It That Way”) if we:

  • See different opinions as invitations to learn instead of direct threats to our beliefs;
  • Give up the need to be right and focus on the need to stay connected;
  • Stop seeing people as representatives of groups we can dismiss and see them instead as individuals whose backgrounds inform their beliefs.

This may sound simple, but simple is not the same as easy, writes Lisa Selin Davis, discussing Guzman’s book in The New York Times. But with consistent effort and an open-minded attitude, we may be able to reclaim some lost relationships. 

Have you had a recent conversation with someone on the other end of the political spectrum, and how did it go? Any insights you can share? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. 

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for
Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.



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Some Tough Truths About Leadership

12/6/2022

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Research shows that workers who quit are leaving managers, rather than companies. Managers can increase retention, and productivity, if they learn to lead people while managing the work. But along the way, writes INC. contributing editor Marcel Schwantes, all managers “must confront a few hard truths about how to effectively inspire and get the best out of their people.” 

Among these truths: 
  • Give employees purposeful work: Purpose-driven work allows team members to feel a greater connection to the work they're doing and provides a clear understanding of the motivation behind each business decision.
  • Reduce loneliness in the workplace: Leaders have a responsibility to ease loneliness and feelings of isolation in the hybrid work world. A good approach is to build community and promote a sense of belonging for all team members. When people feel connected in inclusive cultures, they are happier and more engaged. 
  • Bring more humanity to the workforce: Share big company issues, be honest about what you're struggling with, ask for help when needed, and be transparent. 
  • Show “actionable” love for employees: This means “love that shows up with intentional action in meeting the needs of others to get results, clearing obstacles from people's paths, and empowering others to succeed and grow.” Some ways leaders can demonstrate actionable love include fostering an environment where people feel free to speak up, understanding each team member’s unique gifts and challenges, and giving them the freedom to explore their passions and follow their curiosity. 

Can you tell us about a leadership lesson you learned “the hard way?” To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.

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Stop Delegating, Start Teaching

11/29/2022

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A significant part of a manager’s role is staff development. But if you delegate a task to someone with no prior training simply because you are too busy to handle it, their chances of succeeding are marginal. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Art Markman, PhD, professor of Psychology and Marketing at the University of Texas, says managers should stop thinking of handing off responsibilities as delegating (thereby potentially setting the stage for failure) and start taking on the mindset of a trainer instead.

Markman suggests managers actively look for ways to begin upping the responsibilities of your team members:
  • Start by assessing who on your team genuinely wants to move up in the organization, and identify their primary areas of interest. 
  • Create a development plan for them, enumerating the skills they will need to reach their goals. 
  • Give them assignments that require the application of those skills. 
  • Help them work their way up to a challenging task by starting with a series of practice sessions. 
  • The first time you introduce a task to someone, let them shadow you while you explain key points. Then, give them a piece to do on their own with your supervision. Only let them carry the full load when you sense that they are ready. 

Taking on some direct reports as apprentices takes effort and extra time, notes Markman, and you will also have to review their work carefully at first. But by adopting this approach, you are helping your associates reach their career goals, and creating a team of trusted colleagues who can step in when you are overwhelmed or unavailable.

When was the last time you delegated a task, and did you provide any training to your associate? And what experience have you had when people asked you for help? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.   


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Your Brain on Gratitude

11/22/2022

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Neuroscientist Glen Fox has spent his entire adult life studying gratitude. He is convinced that  “grateful people tend to recover faster from trauma and injury, tend to have better and closer personal relationships and may even have improved health overall.”

The study of gratitude is a relatively recent phenomenon, and emerged from the field of positive psychology. Yet the practice of gratitude has consistently been shown to lower stress, reduce pain, boost immunity, and improve blood pressure and heart function. 

To find out, Fox did an experiment using brain-imaging scans to map which circuits in the brain become active when we feel grateful. “We saw that the participants’ ratings of gratitude correlated with activity in a set of brain regions associated with interpersonal bonding and with relief from stress,” he said.
To up your conscious gratitude, Fox suggests keeping a gratitude journal. On a regular basis, write down what you are grateful for, even if those things seem mundane. The positive effect is cumulative so it’s a good idea to make this a habit. He also suggests writing letters of gratitude to those who have helped you along your way. 

Says Fox, “I think that gratitude can be much more like a muscle, like a trained response or a skill that we can develop over time as we’ve learned to recognize abundance and gifts and things that we didn’t previously notice as being important,” he said. “And that itself is its own skill that can be practiced and manifested over time.”

When was the last time you actively expressed gratitude, and how did it make you feel? And what experience have you had when people shared gratitude with you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual courses, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.


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Texting Your Friends Means More Than You Think

11/15/2022

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Connecting with a friend just to say “hello” might seem like an insignificant gesture — a chore, even, that isn’t worth the effort. Or maybe you worry an unexpected check-in wouldn’t be welcome, as busy as we all tend to be. But new research suggests that casually reaching out to people in our social circles means more than we realize.

Peggy Liu, Ben L. Fryrear Chair in Marketing and associate professor of business administration with the University of Pittsburgh Graduate School of Business, studied this phenomenon and found people tend to underestimate how much friends like hearing from them.

She and her team ran a series of 13 experiments, with more than 5,900 participants, to see how good people are at guessing how much friends value unexpected contact. In some of the experiments, participants reached out to a friend; in others, they got in touch with someone they were just casually friendly with (a “weak tie”).  Those reaching out were asked to rate how pleased and grateful they anticipated the contact would be to hear from them. The researchers then asked those on the receiving end of the check-in to rate how much they appreciated the contact. Across 13 experiments, those who initiated contact, significantly underestimated how much it would be appreciated. 

Theirs is not the only recent research to emphasize the power of small moments of connection. Another study, published in The American Journal of Geriatric Psychiatry, found that even small positive social interactions is linked with a sense of purposefulness in older adults.

We have all heard there is a pandemic of loneliness. So social psychologists hope these findings will underscore the need to connect with others on a regular basis, and encourage people to see friendship as an important component of personal health, even if reaching out sometimes feels awkward or time-consuming.

When was the last time you texted a friend just to check in and say hello? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. We'd love to hear about your experiences.


​Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual courses, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.
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Arguing Well

11/8/2022

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These days there is plenty to argue about:  Politics, health, money, even the climate.  Some say we’re arguing too much; some say we’re not arguing enough. But the real problem is we are not arguing well.

​Bo Seo, a 28-year-old two-time world debating champion, says the problem of polarization stems from most arguments being “painful and useless… We spend more time vilifying, undermining and nullifying those who oppose us than we do trying to open or change their minds.” In his recent book, Good Arguments:  How Debate Teaches Us to Listen and Be Heard, he argues that if more people took their cues from the world of competitive debate, it would be easier to get people to reconsider their views or at least consider those of others.

Writing in The New York Times, columnist Pamela Paul outlines some of Seo’s key principles:
  • Know when to engage:  Arguments are easy to start and hard to end. So not every disagreement needs to be argued.
  • Stick to the specific dispute at hand:  Otherwise the quarrel can spiral out of control, moving into ever-expanding topics.
  • Proving someone wrong doesn’t mean you’re right:  Simply tearing down your opponent doesn’t prove your point. 
  • Never let a bully dictate the terms of debate: If faced with a brawler —whose aim is, “not to persuade but to silence, marginalize and break the will of their opponents” — try to restore order. In other words, see above…or disengage from the interaction.

Do you think you could have done a better job during a recent argument?  What might you have changed? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.  We really want to hear about your experiences.
​
Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual courses, awarded International Gold for
Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.



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How to Speak Up in a Meeting (and When to Hold Back)

11/1/2022

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In many organizations, our leadership readiness is measured in part by what we say in meetings.  So says Allison Shapiro, who teaches “The Arts of Communication” at the Harvard Kennedy School.  Writing in the Harvard Business Review, she adds, “How we speak off the cuff can have a bigger impact on our career trajectory than our presentations or speeches, because every single day we have an opportunity to make an impact.”

Shapiro offers strategies for speaking up effectively:

  • Prepare some bullet points in advance: Don’t wait for inspiration to hit in a meeting. Come prepared. (We recommend using our PRES model, focusing on a brief point, reason, example, and summary). 
  • Ask “Why you?”: Why do you care about this agenda topic, your organization, and your role? Answering this question helps you connect your input with a sense of purpose.
  • Pause and breathe:  This will help center you and strengthen your voice so that you can speak with courage and clarity.

And she also offers advice for when to hold back: 

  • If you're trying to show off:  If you are speaking up just to show how much you know, without adding any new ideas of merit, restrain yourself and let the meeting run its course.
  • If your comment would be better in a one-on-one conversation: So many sensitive conversations within an organization can be advanced by speaking privately to someone — in person if possible — rather than addressing the issue in a group where the person might feel embarrassed and defensive.
  • If you are trying to empower others on your team: Don't become a crutch for others. Let members of your team speak up in order to build their own relationships of trust.

What are your criteria for when you should and should not speak up in a meeting? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022. 


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Six Habits of Great Leaders

10/22/2022

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Being a successful leader is tricky business. “You can't have results at the expense of people. And serving your people well without getting results sets you up for failure,” notes Marcel Schwantes, contributing editor for Inc Magazine, and founder of Leadership from the Core. In a recent article, Schwantes describes six strategies that help leaders strike the right balance and actually make people want to work for them. 
  1. Give feedback. Feedback, a core principle of great leadership, can address performance issues, celebrate outstanding performers, clarify direction, and set expectations. When giving feedback, keep it simple, be specific, and use examples. If there's a performance issue, focus on the issue, not the person.
  2. Discuss your priorities as well as theirs. Let your employees know what you expect from them, but also share what you are working on so their efforts can be in alignment. “This strengthens bonds, helps boost engagement, and gets you more focused results.”
  3. Hold “stay” interviews.  Unlike an exit interview, you'll get fresh insight about what you can do to improve and retain valued employees -- today, not after they have emotionally disconnected. 
  4. Recognize your people. Employees who work for companies with formal recognition programs report a more satisfying experience.
  5. Let your people make decisions.  Give employees the freedom to decide, participate in, and determine how work is best accomplished. Employees thrive in entrepreneurial settings, which make them more invested in the company. 
  6. Expand their knowledge. Stretch employees with assignments that sharpen their skills. Give top employees the opportunity to learn something new.

How many of these habits do you notice in your organization, and how many have you personally mastered? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.


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You Shared, or Maybe Overshared…Now What?

10/18/2022

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Being vulnerable can build trust and closeness, but self-disclosure can also make us fear judgment or rejection. If you’re nervous after having divulged something personal, you might be experiencing what Brené Brown, research professor at the University of Houston, calls a “vulnerability hangover.” You might wonder:  “Did I display a weakness?” or “Am I safe?”
As Holly Burns writes in The New York Times, “A vulnerability hangover might be uncomfortable, but it doesn’t have to be debilitating — and it can even be helpful.” If you are “hung over” here’s what to consider:
  • Put it into perspective:  Other people probably aren’t thinking about your disclosure as much as you are (just the way they are not as aware of that pimple on your nose). Besides, we generally view our own displays of vulnerability more negatively than those of others.
  • Know you might have helped someone:  Studies show that vulnerability can build trust. People may be more comfortable around you and experience you as  “more human.” 
  • Reframe it as a learning experience:  One way to remove judgment you feel toward yourself is to turn it into something constructive. Reframe it as, ‘What can I learn from this?’ Even if what you learn is ‘Wow, that was not the right thing to say to that person in that moment,’ it can help you in the future.
  • Make a plan for next time: Despite the potential benefits of revealing something personal, there are still times you may want to keep your cards closer. It never hurts to examine your motivations and be intentional about when and with whom to be vulnerable.
The aftermath of vulnerability might be surprising or even unpleasant, but it’s frequently worth it, says Emma Seppala, science director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University. Being comfortable with vulnerability’s aftereffects “requires courage initially, but then it’s like this muscle you build.”
When is the last time you shared something quite personal, and how did you feel after? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.  We would love to hear about your experiences!

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for
Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.



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