Agreeing with someone is easier than confronting them, and it feels good to be “on the same page.” But conflict-free work environments are virtually non-existent. Disagreement is not only inevitable, but also a normal, healthy part of
relating to others.
Disagreements in the workplace have the potential to lead to better work
outcomes, opportunities to learn, higher job satisfaction, and even improved
relationships born of working through conflicts. Writing in the Harvard Business
Review, Amy Gallo, an HBR contributing editor and author of the HBR Guide to
Dealing with Conflict at Work, offers advice for those who are reluctant to
disagree:

• Let go of the need to be liked: Instead of focusing on likeability, focus on respect—both giving and receiving it.
• Focus on the big picture: Why is your point of view important to the needs of your organization? Thinking of this will purge selfish motives from your disagreement.
• Don't equate disagreeing with being unkind: Most people are open to hearing a different perspective if you share it thoughtfully and respectfully. Ask yourself: Is there really a risk that you will hurt your coworker’s feelings, or are you projecting your own discomfort?
• Find a role model and emulate them: Chances are you have a colleague, relative, or friend who does a fairly good job of being straightforward about their thoughts and opinions without ruffling feathers. Observe that person. Do what they do—even if you have to “fake it until you become it.”

Did you express your views the last time you disagreed with someone at
work—and what was the result? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Anyone who says they have the answer to every important question is either clueless or lying. So says John Hagel III, founder of Silicon Valley’s Center for the Edge and author of The Journey Beyond Fear. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Hagel says, “leaders should ask powerful and inspiring questions, convey that they don’t have the answers, and solicit others’ help to find them.”
 
“The kind of questions leaders need to ask,” he adds, “are those that invite people to come together to explore major new opportunities that your organization hasn’t identified yet.” For example: “What is a game-changing opportunity?” or “What are emerging, unmet needs of our customers?” or “How can we customize our services to the specific needs of each client?” Focusing on big opportunities is wise because:

• They are ambitious, and communicate that you want to take your organization to the next level.
  
  
• They invite collaboration—no single person could possibly come up with a complete solution.
  
  
• They can change the culture by inspiring others to identify opportunities and ask for help when they need it.
  
  
• They’ll reinforce the value of questions and of exploring.

 
“Leaders who ask powerful questions,” concludes Hagel, “have the greatest success in both seizing new opportunities and addressing unexpected challenges —and they build cultures that will carry these benefits into the future.”
 
What questions have you asked that have made a difference in your organization? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, consider giving your loved ones these gifts—each with more staying power than flowers, cards, or chocolates:  

1. ​Listen when your impulse is to argue. Listening, a rare and pure gift from the heart, requires us to be quiet long enough to ponder our partner’s message.
2. Edit accusations that could make your partner feel put down and judged. Instead, describe your feelings. “I feel lonely” has a different ring than, “You’re selfish and unresponsive.”
3. Acknowledge your role in a problem. Every issue has another side. When we describe how we contributed, even unintentionally, to a problem, we encourage our partner to hear us out. For example, you might say: “When I asked how long your mother was going to stay with us and we got into a tiff, I could have clarified that I enjoy your mother’s company and was asking out of curiosity and not judgment.”
4. Agree on a solution. Reach an explicit, collaborative agreement about what each of you will do differently in the future.
5. Follow up on your agreements. Many attempts at resolving conflict end in failure but following up proves your commitment to view conflict resolution as a process rather than a one-shot deal.

As marriage and business partners for over 40 years, we can attest that while confronting issues is never easy, avoidance is worse. And we still endorse chocolate too: It’s good for your heart!
We want to hear: What communication behaviors would you like to change in your relationships this year, and what steps are you taking to do so? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Video calls are not unlike meetings ‘in real life,’ in that a simple phrase might really turn someone off—or really light them up. If you’re looking for phrases likely to build instant rapport, try these—as recommended by career coach Michael Thompson:

• “Can you say that again? I want to write It down.” – Complimenting someone’s Zoom background is nice, but nothing can compare to letting them know you like the way they think. This phrase also lets the speaker know that the listener is open-minded and curious.”
• “Thanks for asking.” – Typically, when people get asked a question, they are quick to answer it. But if you can delay just a moment to allow gratitude to come out, you not only get to give an answer, but you also make the other person feel valued.
• “Sorry I interrupted you; I get excited. Please continue.” – Wi-Fi lag can lead to even more interruptions than usual. Saying this not only allows the other person to finish their thought, but also elicits a smile.
• “I’d love your input on something.” – A simple way to get people to open up is by sharing a struggle of your own and then asking them for their thoughts. Their suggestions may help you, and the other person sees you as someone who admits they don’t have life figured out.

Do you have a go-to phrase or two you use in video formats to foster better personal connections? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Dreading confrontation, many of us avoid or delay uncomfortable conversations even with co-workers who sit nearby. It’s even easier to
let issues languish when you only see your teammate on a screen.
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Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Liane Davey, a team effectiveness advisor and author of The Good Fight, offers guidance for managing potential conflict before it escalates:
 

• Instead of springing feedback on your colleague, call and ask if you can set up some time to discuss how things are going, and what could be improved. 
• When you have the conversation, try to use video in addition to audio so your facial expressions can help convey your positive intentions.
• Provide clear, judgment–free observations of your teammate’s behavior and describe the impact on you.
• As you’re talking, annotate your conversation with what you’re thinking and feeling in real time. For example, if you’re taken aback by feedback, say, “Wow, that’s a surprise to me — I had no idea!” If you’re struggling with the conversation, say, “This is difficult for me, but I’m glad we’re talking about all of this.”
• Don’t stop until you each have a clear vision for how a similar situation could play out better the next time.
• To ensure that your commitments don’t fade just because you won’t bump into each other in the hall, spend a few minutes at the end of your conversation developing an action plan, and consider scheduling a time to follow up.

 
How have you addressed conflicts with remote co-workers, and were your strategies successful? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

“The one easy way to become worth 50 percent more than you are now is to hone your communication skills. You can have all the brainpower in the world, but you have to be able to transmit it. And the transmission is communication.” 
 
Research backs this up with empirical evidence. A study from the Carnegie Institute of Technology found that 85 percent of a person's success comes from "human engineering"--the ability to effectively communicate, negotiate, and lead, both when speaking and listening. (Technical knowledge comprises the other 15 percent.)
 
Learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication: Sign up for our BreakThrough Communication winter academy.

If your job involves serving people, part of your work is dealing with their frustration. It's all too easy to take it personally, and—let’s face it—sometimes they do get personal. You may also find yourself having to solve a problem you didn’t create, and then offering an apology on top of that.
 
But stop yourself if you have a tendency to apologize using some form of these six words: “ I’m sorry you feel that way.”
 
Writing in Inc., columnist Jason Aten notes that saying this isn’t really an apology at all. “First, you can't actually be sorry for the way someone else feels. You can only be sorry for your own behavior and the things within your control. More important, however, is that the sentiment behind those words is something along the lines of: ‘Look, I don't know why you're being irrational about this. This isn't my fault, and I think it's ridiculous that you're upset with me.’”
 
Telling someone you're "sorry they feel that way" avoids responsibility for your role in the situation. So, what are your options?

• If you did something requiring an apology, apologize. "I'm really sorry I didn’t deliver on our promise." Own whatever it was, say you're sorry, and do what is necessary to fix it.
• If you didn't do anything wrong, recognize that in many cases, it may well still be up to you to offer a solution. In that case, don't apologize. Instead, try this: "I can see how this would be extremely frustrating. Let me see what I can do to fix this." This acknowledges the problem and their feelings. It doesn't cast judgment on those feelings but validates them and lets the person know that you've heard them and care about making the situation better.
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How did you handle the situation the last time you had to apologize to a dissatisfied colleague or customer? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

New Years resolutions, if not exactly “made to be broken,” don't have great staying power. Seventy–five percent of “resolvers” keep their resolutions after one week, 64 percent after a month, and merely 8 percent twelve months later.

But the reasons go beyond lack of will power. According to Elizabeth Grace Saunders, time management coach and author of How To Invest Your Time Like Money, many people fail to accomplish new goals because they don’t consciously eliminate old activities from their schedule to make room for the new. It’s like “trying to stuff more papers into a file drawer that’s already packed tight.” 

If your resolutions involve workplace goals and behaviors, consider the following:

• Question all of your work commitments.  The start of a new year marks the perfect time to reevaluate what you’re doing, and why.
• Reassess your work style. Now assess how you accomplish work. Do you really need all those meetings? Can you interact less with messaging technology?
• Add new goals strategically. Once you intentionally create space, you can strategically add in the activities that you want in your life. To say “yes” to the new, you must say “no” to some of the old.
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What do you plan to resolve for this coming year, and how will you make room for it to happen? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

A recent study from Forrester estimated that 10% of U.S. jobs would be automated this year, and some estimate that many more jobs will be automated in the next decade. But perhaps asking which jobs will be eliminated is less relevant than asking which aspects of remaining jobs are unlikely to be automated.
 
Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Stephen M. Kosslyn, former Dean of Social Science at Harvard and author of Building the Intentional University, posits that while routine and repetitive tasks lend themselves to non-human replacement, aspects of jobs that require two critical elements will be difficult to automate.

1. Emotion: Emotion plays an important role in human communication (think of a physician explaining treatment options to a critically ill patient). It involves empathy as well as all forms of nonverbal communication. Beyond that, emotion, which is nuanced and complex, interacts with many of our decision processes. For example, it helps us to prioritize what we do right now as opposed to later. As of now, the functioning of genuine emotion is difficult to build into an automated system.
   
   
2. Context: Machine learning operates on data sets that by definition were created previously. But context changes all the time—often rapidly. For example, earlier this year we were suddenly operating in the context of a pandemic. Humans can take context into account when making decisions or having interactions with others.

 
As Kosslyn points out, employers highly value the kind of “soft” skills that are intrinsically linked to contextual evaluation and emotion: critical thinking, clear communication, and holistic decision-making. “All of this suggests that our educational systems should concentrate not simply on how people interact with technology,” he writes, “… but also how they can do the things that technology will not be doing soon.”
 
What do you think humans can do much better than machines in the workplace? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

The pandemic will make this a holiday season unlike any other, but that doesn’t mean a holiday party is out of the question. Now, perhaps more than ever, teams want to feel bonded, express feelings of mutual appreciation, and have some good old-fashioned holiday fun.
 
Here are some suggestions from the Paperless Post blog for a festive Zoom celebration:
 

• Have an ugly sweater contest: This time-old tradition will hold up well in cyberspace. Just throw your tackiest pullover or cardigan over your sweatpants. Prizes can be awarded for Most Original Sweater, Best DIY, and even Best Team Sweater,
• Host a talent show: Everyone’s on screen anyway, so what better venue to show off a hidden bent for singing, storytelling, or stand-up comedy.
• Organize a virtual awards show:  Dunder Mifflin had its iconic Dundees. Imagine what you can come up with to acknowledge each of your team members for their special accomplishments and contributions—be the categories serious or whimsical.
• Have a home scavenger hunt:  Put together a list of items team members can find around their houses, or give one-off prompts like, “Show us the weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now.”
• Play “Holiday tradition, or not”: For a festive twist on Two Truths and a Lie, ask each person to share a quirky family tradition. The other players must guess if the tradition is real or fake.

 
Keep in mind that many party festivities, from charades to impromptu dancing, are easily adaptable to an online format.  Whatever activities you choose, the important thing is to acknowledge one another, particularly during a time that hasn’t been easy on individuals or companies.
 
What are you and your team planning to celebrate the holidays? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you can do the work well, you can lead other people to do it. Right?  Wrong. “Occupying a leadership position is not the same thing as leading,” says executive coach and management professor Monique Valcour. “To lead, you must be able to connect, motivate, and inspire a sense of ownership of shared objectives.”
 
There is no magic bullet or infallible management tool to ensure good leadership. Instead, Valcour advises creating practices to increase leadership proficiency using the following steps:

• Start with a problem you’d like to solve or a future result you’d like to achieve. What outcome would make a meaningful difference for you and your team?
• Articulate why it’s important to you now. Getting clear on your purpose and motivation increases creativity and persistence.
• Seek quality information to base your approach on. Check in with your coach or mentor, and search for relevant books, articles and studies
• Identify measures of success. How will you know if you're making progress?
• Ground yourself with an intention. Place a sticky note with this intention on your computer where you’ll see it first thing each morning—and your team will see it too.
• Choose behaviors to implement. For example, serve as a role model, stimulate thinking with questions, practice empathy, and praise proactive behavior.
• Seek feedback and celebrate progress.
  
  

“The developmental journey is fascinating and fulfilling if you embrace it,” says Valcour “You don’t have to wait to be trained; you can design leadership development practices any time you want.”

What are you doing to promote your own continuous learning as a leader? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

It can be tough to give tough feedback. The challenge is to do so in a way that motivates change without making the other person feel defensive. There are several common pitfalls in offering negative feedback: using the opportunity to blow off steam instead of to coach, surrounding negative feedback with so much positive feedback that it goes unnoticed, or simply avoiding and delaying because we anticipate the employee will become argumentative.
 
Writing in the Harvard Business Review, management professor and executive coach Monique Valcour notes that powerful, high-impact feedback conversations share the following elements:
 

1. An intention to help the employee grow, rather than prove how wrong the person was. The feedback should increase, not diminish, the employee’s motivation and resources for change.
   
   
2. Openness on the part of the feedback giver, which is essential to creating a positive connection. “If you start off feeling uncomfortable and self-protective, your employee will match that energy, and you’ll each leave the conversation frustrated with the other person.”
   
   
3. Inviting the employee into the problem-solving process by asking questions such as: What ideas do you have? What will you take from this conversation? What are some possible next steps? What might I do to help?
   
   

A single conversation can switch an employee on — or shut them down. A true leader sees the raw material for success in every individual says Valcour and “creates the conditions to let it shine, even when the challenge is tough.”
 
What was your experience the last time you had to deliver tough feedback? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

The ability to get things done competently and quickly is a key measure of success, but leaders can fall short if their efficient task-focus comes at the expense of a more relationship-based focus. Writing in The Harvard Business Review, executive coach Rebecca Zucker notes, “Things like building relationships, inspiring a team, developing others, and showing empathy can fall by the wayside” if efficient leaders believe these pursuits will slow them down.
 
The irony is that an intense, exclusive focus on efficiency can have a negative impact on organizational climate and make these leaders less effective overall. To combat this, Zucker offers advice for the overly task-focused:

• Solicit feedback: Ask key stakeholders how they think you balance task-focus and people-focus.
• Identify high-value ways to focus on people: For example, have periodic career development conversations with direct reports, or have coffee (live or virtual) with a colleague, getting better acquainted.
• Use self-observation and reflection: Notice when you are rushed and impatient. Discover if you are trying to avoid something or have a fear of slowing down.
• De-bunk your limiting beliefs: Talk to others who are good at balancing task- and people-focus to gain insight into how they do it.
• Practice self-management: Self-awareness can initiate a different approach. You might find yourself pausing to acknowledge a colleague’s effort, or taking time to teach a team member something new.

 
How do you balance task-focus and people-focus? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. 

Rude and divisive workers can contaminate an organization’s culture—their disagreeable nature spreading like a virus. They sap productivity and sow discontent. Best to avoid hiring them in the first place, but how?
 
Writing In The Harvard Business Review, Christine Porath, a professor of management at Georgetown University and author of Mastering Civility: A Manifesto for the Workplace, offers this guidance:
 

• Interview for civility: Use structured, behavioral interviews. Ask candidates the same questions in the same order, including: What would your former employer and people who reported to you say about you?; What are some signals that you are under stress?; When have you failed?; What would you like to improve about yourself? Notice if they take responsibility or are quick to assign blame.
• Get your team involved: Have them take the candidate to lunch or dinner and give the candidate a chance to observe the team’s values and rapport. When teams are mostly remote, this can be a virtual event.
• Ask their references about civility: What was it like working with them; How did people who reported to them feel about them?; How did they react to authority?; Would you rehire them? And don't just stick to the reference list; talk to your own network as well.
• Check your own civility: Put your own best foot forward. It’s hard to expect someone to be civil if you’re not modeling the same behavior.

Have you ever hired a toxic employee, and how do you think you might have discerned their character ahead of time? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.