New York Times columnist David Brooks thinks Americans desperately need to find ways to be “less beastly” to one another—especially when negotiating disagreements. He recently researched and compiled some advice to promote cordiality and, yes, even kindness. Among his tips that resonate with our body of work:
 

• Don’t meet around a problem. Problems are backward-looking and lead to assigning blame. Instead, have a possibility conversation. Discuss how you can use the assets you have to create something good together.

• Attune to the process. When you’re in the middle of an emotional disagreement, shift attention to the process of the conversation. In a neutral voice name the emotions people are feeling and the dynamics that are in play. Build trust by showing you’re aware of how you might be contributing to the problem.

• Agree on something. If you’re in the middle of an intractable disagreement, find some small, preliminary thing you can agree on so you can at least take a step into a world of shared reality. (Tweet it!)
• Gratitude. Scan the scene for something for which you can thank somebody.
• Never threaten autonomy. If you give people an order — “Calm down” or “Be reasonable” — all they hear is that you’re threatening their freedom of expression, and they will shut down. Nobody ever grew up because someone screamed, “Grow up!”

What strategies do you use when negotiating in a contentious situation? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our  online learning programs. 

Participating in a panel discussion can be stressful: Speakers must be concise and careful of interrupting or overlapping, all while effectively communicating their point of view. Moderating such a discussion can be even trickier. Moderators must impose order on a group of strangers and organize disparate perspectives into a coherent conversation.

Writing in The Harvard Business Review, professional speaker, author and Duke University business professor Dorie Clark, offers four strategies for promoting a meaningful exchange.

1. Prepare your panelists: No one should fly blind. Consider a pre-event conference call or solicit their thoughts on the topic via email. Consider sharing key questions you will pose.
2. Work for the audience: Cut off verbose panelists while allowing them to save face. You can capture their attention by simultaneously making a hand gesture and breaking in verbally, using a positive statement like, “That’s an interesting point, Joe, and I’d love to hear the others respond.”
3. Follow the flow of dialogue: Certainly, all panelists should get a chance, but “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal.” Address questions to the panelist with the most expertise in that area, rather than letting everyone go “in turn.” (Tweet it!)
4. Follow up: When panelists say something interesting, or confusing, jump in with a “Tell me more,” or “What do you mean by that?” This enables the conversation to go deeper.

All in all, stay active and alert. It is your job to choreograph a positive experience. Don’t sit back and assume things will take care of themselves.

Have you ever moderated a panel discussion, and what are your caveats to those doing it for the first time? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Although companies benefit when employees speak up, many employees are reluctant to offer suggestions, opinions, or concerns. Two theories attempt to explain why: The personality perspective attributes this reticence to shyness and introversion; the situational perspective ascribes it to environments that discourage speaking truth to power.
 
The two are not mutually exclusive, but Subra Tangirala, Dean’s Professor of Management and Organization at the University of Maryland, and Hemant Kakkar, a PhD candidate in Organizational Behavior at the London Business School, wanted to test which one mattered more (https://bit.ly/2E4HDVN).
 
The researchers surveyed 291 employees and their supervisors (from 35 teams overall) from a manufacturing plant, and from their data concluded that “both personality and environment had a significant effect on employee’s tendency to speak up with ideas or concerns.” But they also found that strong environmental norms could override the influence of personality on employees’ willingness to speak up at work. Even if someone was quite shy, they spoke up when they thought it was strongly expected of them. (Tweet it!)
 
Say the authors, “This finding suggests that if you want employees to speak up, the work environment and the team’s social norms matter. Even people who are most inclined to raise ideas and suggestions may not do so if they fear being put down or penalized. On the flip side, encouraging and rewarding speaking up can help more people do so, even if their personality makes them more risk-averse.”
 
Do you feel your organization’s culture promotes or discourages employees from speaking up? What specific work environment practices contribute to this culture? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Our fear of failing can be a catalyst for inaction. Writing in the Harvard Business Review Susan Peppercorn, author of Ditch Your Inner Critic at Work, offers these strategies for overcoming self-doubt and recrimination in order to move on:
 




Redefine failure: “By framing a situation you’re dreading differently before you attempt it, you may be able to avoid some stress and anxiety,” she counsels.  If we define failure as anything short of perfection, we are undermining ourselves. This is how perfect becomes the enemy of good. So, consider what would be an acceptable if not perfect outcome.
 
Set approach goals (not avoidance goals): With approach goals, we are motivated by wanting to achieve a positive outcome; with avoidance goals we just want to avoid an adverse one. Says Peppercorn, “While developing an avoidance goal is a common response to a perceived failure, it’s important to keep in mind the costs of doing so. Research has shown that employees who take on an avoidance focus become twice as mentally fatigued as approach-focused colleagues.”  (https://bit.ly/2DgEpym)
 
Focus on learning: Things don't always work out the way we hope, but if we accept that we extract the most value out of any experience, no matter the outcome, it is the learning that boosts us even when the outcome doesn’t. (Tweet it!)
 
Has a perceived failure at work ever made you reluctant to step into a similar situation or set new goals? How did you break out of your resistance? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 
 

“I’ve observed the same thing time and time again: how information is communicated to employees during a change matters more than what information is communicated.” So says communication consultant Patti Sanchez, coauthor of Illuminate, writing in the Harvard Business Review.
 



A lack of empathy when conveying news about organizational transformation can cause it to fail, says Sanchez. But the following strategies can help a leader relate to employee perspectives.
 

• Profile Your Audience at Each Stage: Interview individual employees during each phase to gain perspective on typical mindsets. Ask questions designed to uncover beliefs, feelings, questions, concerns.  Continually reconnect with your audience throughout the journey. 
• Tell Employees What to Expect: The more informed your people are, the more they’ll be able to deal with discomfort. (Tweet it!) It will also help you build credibility and enhance trust.
• Involve People at all Levels: A transformation won’t succeed without broad involvement. Be sure to share details relevant to each department.

Leaders who express genuine empathy for everyone involved will enable employees to feel valued and be inspired to help their initiative succeed.

Have you ever been through an organizational change and, if so, do you feel your leader showed empathy throughout the process? How so? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Much has been written lately about the virtue of humility in leaders, and about how those who are sincere, modest and unpretentious tend to inspire the best performance in others. But we bet you can think of plenty of leaders who do not fit that description. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Bill Taylor, cofounder of Fast Company, asks: If humility is so important, why are so many leaders today, especially our most famous leaders, so arrogant? (https://bit.ly/2RJfxaf’).
 
Taylor notes that many who head up companies are, not surprisingly, competitive and ambitious. But do these traits preclude humility? According to Taylor,” humility in the service of ambition is the most effective and sustainable mindset for leaders who aspire to do big things in a world filled with huge unknowns.” Years ago, HR professionals at IBM coined a term to describe this combination of traits: humbition.

The “humbitious” focus on their work, not themselves. Tåhese leaders seek success but feel fortunate, rather than omnipotent, when it arrives. Additionally, such leaders ask rather than tell. Says Taylor, “The most effective business leaders don’t pretend to have all the answers; the world is just too complicated for that. They understand their job is to get the best ideas from the right people, whomever and wherever those people may be.”
 
Do you think of yourself, or anyone you work with, as “humbitious”? Do you think it makes one stronger to admit to not having all the answers, and can you give an example? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

You thought you nailed that interview but then you get the news that the company “went another way.” Don’t tear up your résumé and eat a gallon of ice cream yet. Forbes Contributor and career coach Adunola Adeshola says there are several types of interviewees who struggle to get a job offer (https://bit.ly/2M8rHUZ):
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1. The Overqualified – If you more than meet the qualifications and experience needed, the interviewer may think you won’t be fulfilled – and may fear they cannot compensate you fairly or that you might leave for a more fulfilling offer.
2. The Rambler – Irrelevant stories and unnecessary details won't help you. Interviewers want a concise account of how you can meet their needs and fit into their culture.
3. The Ill-Prepared – Being qualified is not enough if you have not also done your research. Instead of winging it, know your potential employer and identify the specific strengths, qualities and experiences that make you the right candidate.
4. The Almost Perfect – Despite checking all the boxes, perhaps you did not express enough enthusiasm for the job or organization. Employers want people who want them. (Tweet it!)

Do you feel you might have missed the mark in any of the above ways? What can you do to remedy the situation? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Being praised for a job well done can boost our brain with a feel-good surge and help us accomplish more (https://bit.ly/2DsinLa). But for many of us, accepting a compliment can feel awkward.
 
Research shows that we tend to dwell on failures more than compliments (https://bit.ly/2BVmxIk). Perhaps there is survival value in this, says Dr Kristin Neff, an educational psychologist at the University of Texas, Austin. According to Dr. Neff, “ancestors who were negative worrywarts were more likely to survive.” Compounding our squeamishness in the face of compliments is: 1) we don't want to seem like we’re egotistical or arrogant; and 2) our skills may come so naturally to us that we underestimate their value. (Tweet it!)
 
But compliments can be rich sources of information, giving us valuable feedback, and they have the capacity to create stronger relationships. So how can we accept complements graciously? Keep it short and positive with no self-deprecating comments. Try responses like: “Thank you, I’m glad you said that,” or “I appreciate your noticing,” or “Thanks for letting me know.” If you’re still afraid of looking swellheaded, or if you’re genuinely interested in more input, ask a follow-up question to show you value the compliment giver’s opinion and acknowledge there’s always room for improvement (https://nyti.ms/2rwoWnb),
 
How did you respond the last time someone paid you a compliment?  Did you try to deflect it, or did you accept it? Were you successful, and how did you do it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our  online learning programs. 

When researchers surveyed almost 2,000 American girls, they found that the confidence levels of girls falls about 30 percent between the ages of 8 and 14 (https://nyti.ms/2RGgtZW). Since personal confidence can have profound outcomes for people of any age and gender, it’s important to consider ways to boost it. (Tweet it!)
 
Speaking to The New York Times (https://nyti.ms/2RObV3u), tennis star and entrepreneur Venus Williams, who credits self-confidence as crucial to her success in many endeavors, offered three essential actions to magnify self-assurance.
 

1. Be honest about your feelings: When something doesn’t work, ask why. When you are feeling unsure, admit it to yourself. Then remind yourself that while you might not feel confident right now, you remain committed to your goals.
2. Create a map of the path you’ll follow toward your goals: If you can see yourself achieving your goals, you are more likely to do so. Once you clarify your goals, create an action plan to get there, whatever your temporary confidence level might be.
3. Use failure to your advantage: Failure can make you stronger and wiser, but it also means you have to work harder. “In sports…if you cannot correct yourself, you will lose.”

 
“We all face challenges at some point in our lives,” says Williams, “but making a decision based on low self-esteem is a short-term play…The more we learn to make decisions based on self-confidence the more we are empowered to keep striving for our dreams.”
 
Do you have a strategy you use for boosting self-confidence? In what situations does it work best? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our  online learning programs. 

Have you ever been frustrated by people who don’t seem open to changing their mind? Now think about it: Have you ever been such a person? If you can’t recall the last time you admitted you were wrong or altered your opinion, it might be useful to work on developing intellectual humility.
 
According to Shane Snow, award-winning journalist, celebrated entrepreneur, and author of Smartcuts: The Breakthrough Power of Lateral Thinking, “Gallup’s list of Most Admired People is populated with people who have changed, repented, evolved, and grown.” And those who are intellectually humble make the most effective leaders and teammates (https://bit.ly/2QFDgb4).
 
Like any skill, intellectual humility can be cultivated through practice:
 

• Respect the viewpoints of others: Listen without interrupting and watch out for the human tendency to discount opinions of people who do not look, act, think or behave like you. (Tweet it!) 
• Resist intellectual arrogance: Too much adherence to our own way of thinking makes us unlikely to learn and change.
• Separate ego from intellect: Don't make ideas about you. If you view ideas as neutral, you’re less likely to feel threatened by disagreements or dissonance.
• Know when to revise your viewpoint: Give yourself permission to explore, travel, read and research. Look for opportunities to reach a new conclusion.

 
What is the last topic you changed your mind about, and what caused the change? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Ron Ashkenas and Brook Manville, coauthors of the Harvard Business Review Leader’s Handbook, are often asked for the newest guidance for leaders. Clearly the “leadership industry” is booming, with hundreds of books written about the subject every year, new assessment tools based on neuroscience, computer aided algorithms for decision-making, virtual reality simulations, and online courses with university affiliations. 

But is there really an essentially new way to think about leadership? Writing in The Harvard Business Review, Ashkenas and Manville remind us that although there are a lot of new and interesting ideas, some of which may prove helpful, outstanding leadership has not really changed over the years. (Tweet it!) “It is still about mobilizing people in an organization around common goals to achieve impact, at scale.”

According to the authors, leaders with the greatest impact almost always deploy these six classic, fundamental practices:

1. uniting people around an exciting, aspirational vision;
2. building a strategy for achieving the vision;
3. attracting and developing the best possible talent;
4. relentlessly focusing on results in the context of the strategy;
5. creating ongoing innovation to help reinvent the vision and strategy; and
6. “leading yourself” by knowing and growing yourself so you can most effectively lead others and carry out these practices.

“Sometimes the starting point is different, or one of the six areas requires more heavy lifting than another,” say Ashkenas and Manville, “…but the same handful of practices are always present.”

What do you think about these leadership fundamentals? Do you think that one is most important? Are there any missing? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

This New Year, consider making a resolution to practice 12 months of conscious, healthy communication. Most people navigate through important moments of communication on automatic pilot, reacting from emotion rather than intention (Tweet it!). But we can transform our relationships by getting off autopilot and being proactive with positive communication.

As communication researchers and partners in work and marriage for decades, we’ve experienced both the joy and challenge of personal and business communication and we’ve found some simple steps to resolving conflict and building trust in relationships:

• Listen when your impulse is to argue
• Edit accusations that might make someone feel put down, and instead describe your feelings.
• If you have a grievance, pinpoint details with specific examples.
• Acknowledge your role in any problem
• Reach explicit, collaborative solutions that specify what each person will do differently in the future.

Confronting issues is never an easy matter, but avoidance can be hazardous not just to our relationships, but also to our own health.

Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, communicative 2019!

We want to hear. Do you have a New Year’s resolution that could lead to stronger communication? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

As holiday vacations approach, it’s time for friends, family, feasts, and…out of office auto replies. Is there a good way to say, “Hey, I’m trying to unplug; so don’t expect a prompt reply?” (Tweet it!)
 
Writing for The New York Times “Smarter Living” column , Tom Herrera asked readers to suggest ways of saying ”Sorry, I’m outta here.” Of course there is the generic, “I’ll be back next week, meanwhile call so-and-so”, or the no-frills “Back on Tuesday, January 1,” but consider these:

Tembi Secrist, who works in exporting, writes, “Thank you for your email! I am on vacation. Vacations are not for checking email, so I won’t be doing that. Fortunately, we rarely encounter life and death situations in the world of exporting, and aren’t we all glad for that?”

Stephanie Grace, who Herrera says “wins for cutest auto-reply” brought a smile to all with the irresistible…“I’m out of office enjoying a weeklong backpacking trip in the Wallowas with the best adventure pup in the world, Lucy: https://www.instagram.com/luseatosky/”

What's your favorite out of office auto reply? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Sweaty palms, rapid heartbeat, flushed cheeks, and trembling extremities. Anxiety can be a showstopper. Or it can be something else entirely. For many years we’ve been teaching our clients to reframe their relationship with anxiety—thinking of it as the “juice”-- extra energy that can power public speaking, job interviews, and other high-pressure situations. Recent research, cited in The New York Times  by psychologist Alicia Clark, author of Hack Your Anxiety, continues to show how “anxiety can be a pathway to our best selves.”
 
It is actually our fear of anxiety that makes it so powerful. The more we try to suppress it, the more it debilitates us. A large-scale study from the University of Wisconsin (https://bit.ly/2zHjFge) demonstrated that how we think about anxiety and stress can change the way those feelings affect us. Regardless of actual stress levels, the less detrimental we believe the feeling is, the less so it will be. (Tweet it!) So, Clark advises:
 

• Label the feeling – and then re-label it: Re-appraise it as something that can be helpful. Instead of calling it anxiety, stress, nervousness or fear switch to excitement, exhilaration, energy, juice.
• Aim for the sweet spot:  While an overload of anxiety can be harmful, it’s also problematic to have none. Anxiety about giving a presentation, for example, can power the focus and energy we need to be our best.

 
How do you cope with anxiety, especially in a performance situation? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Ad Vingerhoets, author of Why Humans Weep: Unravelling the Mysteries of Tears, says that crying is a product of evolution, serving to alert parents to their offspring’s location and discomfort. But of course adults cry too. And according to Dr. Vingerhoets, speaking to The New York Times, the two major consistent triggers for adult crying are “helplessness and powerlessness,” and “separation and loss.” (https://nyti.ms/2RHDZoY)
 
Although crying is natural, we might find ourselves in certain situations where we don't want to cry in public—perhaps in a difficult meeting or during an emotionally fraught conversation. If so, psychologists and body language specialists suggest these techniques:
 

• Cry before you face conflict. If you allow yourself to cry it out beforehand, you’ll be more likely to keep your composure.
• Rehearse how to handle the worst-case scenario. The worst might not happen, but that way you’re prepared to face anything. (Tweet it!)
• Practice keeping the conversation on track. Avoid escalating the emotional stakes. Think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it.

If you start to cry, and want to stop, there are some physical tricks you can try: relax your facial muscles, breathe deeply, give yourself a pinch.  Or, as  Janine Driver, chief executive of the Body Language Institute in Washington, advises, “Simply push your tongue to the roof of your mouth and you will instantly stop crying.”

Have you ever attempted to avert tears?  Were you successful, and how did you do it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.