Let’s face it: It’s hard to make friends as an adult. If you don’t stay connected to childhood or college friends, you might wind up knowing lots of people, but being close to few. It’s an unfortunate reality for many, given that research shows how vital close friendships are for well-being. 

There are many reasons why it’s difficult to bond closely with others in adult life—ranging from lack of time to a focus on careers, finances and family, to an emphasis on quantity over quality—but it is possible to get closer to existing friends. Writing in The New York Times, Emma Pattee offers some ways of doing so: 

• Create a foundation of security: Be responsive, reliable and consistent.
• Pay attention: When your friend shares something about their life, focus with your full attention.
• Confide: Self-disclosure is a main driver of relationship. So don’t try to be seen as perfect…instead be real. 
• Give friends a chance to help: Ask someone for assistance, even if you could survive without it; give friends a chance to show up for you.
• Know that closeness isn't one size fits all: How you measure the depth of friendship is personal, but everyone agrees on its importance for health and happiness.   (Tweet it!)

Would you like to have closer friendships in your adult years, and what have you proactively done to meet this goal? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  

​

​
​Oppositional employees are perpetual naysayers, refusing to follow instructions, debating or dismissing feedback, or creating an ongoing stream of negative comments. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Fortune 500 consultant and former NYU professor Liz Kislik offers several approaches to help managers get the best from such difficult employees:

• Adjust job responsibilities to leverage their strengths. Sometimes defiance masks a fear of looking incompetent. For a time, overlooking someone’s oppositional behaviors and focusing on how they might best employ their strengths might restore their cooperation.

 

• Consider that they might have some valid points. Employees who express negativity can grow more negative when they feel unheard. If you listen to their concerns, you may find that some are justified and that hearing them out may make them more willing to hear you out.   (Tweet it!)

 

• Know where to draw the line. If an employee, even one who is personally successful and productive, is an unrelenting drain on morale and consistently makes others feel denigrated, the organization cannot sustain it. They must be encouraged to move on.

Letting an oppositional employee go may not be necessary. First, try understanding their concerns and motivations, and provide support through possible job redesign and relationship building. “Then,” says Kislik, “employees who were once seen as problems can bring their greatest strengths to bear on behalf of the organization, rather than against it.”

Have you ever had to manage an oppositional employee? Were your approaches successful? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  

​

As more and more of our encounters—especially first encounters—migrate to online formats, making a good digital first impression is essential. But like other “soft skills” online etiquette is rarely taught. There’s an unspoken expectation that we all know the rules, but often we don’t.  To help alleviate awkward digital encounters, Victor Turk offers this advice in The New York Times.

• Learn the Lingo – Both content and tone are important, especially in text messaging, and tone can be influenced greatly by grammar. Something as simple as a period can have multiple meanings (finality, seriousness, sarcasm), depending on context. If you’re not sure how something will be received, remember that less can be more. Gretchen McCulloch, a linguist and author of Because Internet: Learning the New Rules of Language, believes that anything unnecessary should be eliminated because it has the potential to take on additional connotations and confuse intent.

 

• Read the Room – As in the real world, it's necessary to choose the appropriate level of formality for the situation. Be prepared to adapt according to the culture and background of the person you are speaking with as well as the medium you are using. Again, be aware of your tone so excessive politeness doesn’t come off as distant or aloof.

 

• Stay Human – Internet etiquette is continually evolving. Even when technology stays the same, social norms can morph quickly. Perhaps the best etiquette guideline is to operate from a place of consideration for others. That will never change.  (Tweet it!)

Have you ever made a digital faux pas or been on the receiving end of one? How was the situation resolved? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.

​This New Year, consider making a resolution to practice 12 months of conscious, healthy communication. Most people navigate through important moments of communication on automatic pilot, reacting from emotion rather than intention. But we can transform our relationships by getting off autopilot and being proactive with positive communication.  (Tweet it!)

As communication researchers and partners in work and marriage for decades, we’ve experienced both the joy and challenge of personal and business communication and we’ve found some simple steps to resolving conflict and building trust in relationships:

• Listen when your impulse is to argue
• Edit accusations that might make someone feel put down, and instead describe your feelings.
• If you have a grievance, pinpoint details with specific examples.
• Acknowledge your role in any problem
• Reach explicit, collaborative solutions that specify what each person will do differently in the future.

Confronting issues is never an easy matter, but avoidance can be hazardous not just to our relationships, but also to our own health.

Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, communicative 2020!
​
We want to hear from you: do you have a New Year’s resolution that could lead to stronger communication? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Whenever we ask people to share stories about stressful family encounters at the holidays, we are amazed at the outpouring of fraught memories. But reliving the conflicts of holidays past won’t help us deal with the present. This season try something new. When Uncle Joe or Aunt Blanche blurts out an unwelcome opinion or a political jab, resist the temptation to engage in point/counterpoint. This quickly devolves into a situation where everyone feels the only way to “win” is to get louder and LOUDER!  
 
Instead, ask for more information about your relative’s point of view—and actually listen to that information. (Do this even if the point of view they are sharing is a direct criticism of you.) Only true listening can provide you the information you need to have influence.  And it is only when your “adversary” feels heard that they will even begin to consider another point of view.   (Tweet it!)
 
Additionally:

• Avoid conversation killers like “You always…” and “You never…"
• Show the other person that you understand how they came to feel the way they do
• Own your part of the situation and acknowledge how you may be contributing to it

 
Be realistic: You are not going to achieve perfect harmony with everyone at the dinner table. But with a little resolve you can certainly improve your batting average.  And with the current political landscape, every bit helps. Happy holidays!
​
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  

With events like the 2020 election looming, we may all be wondering if it is possible any longer to have civilized disagreements. 

Creating a sense of psychological safety is essential to productive conversation. Peter Boghossian, assistant professor of philosophy at Portland State University, and writer and researcher James Lindsay, authors of How to Have Impossible Conversations, offer three tips for disagreeing skillfully: 
​

• Introduce scaling: ​Avoid yes/no stalemates by asking “How strongly do you feel about that position on a scale of 1 to 10?”

 

• Use “the disconfirmation question”: Restate their position clearly, then ask: “Under what conditions might you change your mind? What evidence might sway you?” 

 

• Remember the “unread library”: People often confuse the ability to know something with actually knowing it. Start by admitting you might not know enough to hold a firm position and ask for additional details.  (Tweet it!)   If your conversation partner is an expert, you will learn something; if not, you may both learn you need to learn more. 

Do your disagreements tend to find common ground…or not? What happens when you try one or more of these techniques? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  

What makes a leader effective? To identify these traits, Dr. Susan Giles, an organizational scientist, executive coach, and leadership development consultant recently completed the first round of a study of 195 leaders in 15 countries over 30 global organizations. Participants were asked to choose the 15 most important leadership characteristics, and Giles grouped the top ones into five major themes:

​

• Demonstrates strong ethics and provides a sense of safety: This requires a commitment to fairness and a clear communication of expectations.
• Empowers others to self-organize: This necessitates distributing power and relying on the decisions of those closest to the action.
• Fosters a sense of connection and belonging: Some ways to do this are paying focused attention when speaking to others, and setting the tone that members of your team have each other’s backs.
• Shows openness to new ideas and fosters organizational learning: To encourage learning among employees, leaders must demonstrate their own openness to learning (and changing course).
• Nurtures growth: When leaders show a commitment to others’ growth, employees are more loyal and motivated.

While these traits may not surprise you, Giles points out that each can be difficult to master. It's not easy to delegate, to admit mistakes, to change course, to take risks, or, occasionally, to fail. But those who do so win trust, respect and loyalty—all invaluable commodities.   (Tweet it!)

What other traits of effective leaders do you think should be added to this list? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.