 Saying “thank you” is the ultimate win/win. Research shows that expressing gratitude increases feelings of personal well-being. (Tweet it!) As Americans approach our official day of giving thanks, perhaps all of us can take a moment to consider how we might make gratitude an ongoing part of our lives.
If you are looking for someone to practice your “thank you” on, start close to home. John Gottman, Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute of Seattle says: “Masters of relationships have a habit of scanning the world for things they can thank their partner for. People whose relationships go down the tubes scan the world for their partner’s mistakes.” What happened when you upped the level of thanks you expressed to people around you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.
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 With holiday dinners around the corner, many are dreading conversations about loaded—possibly political—topics. At times avoidance is the best policy, and perhaps you can just let someone else sit next to Uncle Ned or Aunt Matilda. But, if the relationship is such that you really want to have a calm and respectful exchange of ideas, Eben Weitzman, graduate program director of conflict resolution at University of Massachusetts Boston, has some advice (https://bit.ly/2RmFuJG). “If what you want to do is get to a mutual understanding, really inquire to understand,” he says. “Listen with interest, and without judgment.”
Some things you could say:
If things get heated despite your best efforts, take a break. Withdraw for a while, until your adrenaline stops pumping. Deep listening is the only way out of deep conflict. And listening is too often the first casualty during contentious conversations. (Tweet it!) So, try listening until you can tell their story better than they did. What holiday conversation are you dreading and how do you plan to handle it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.  Studies show that high-quality friendships provide positive health benefits, including lower incidences of chronic illnesses, higher levels of happiness and lower mortality rates (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Strong social support networks can also be a hedge against stress, depression and anxiety, say researchers (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Many of us are reflecting fondly on old friendships and wondering if they can be revived. (Tweet it!) In our electronic world, friends are often just a click, a text, or an email away—but what’s the best way to reach out, if at all?
Writing in The New York Times, Anna Goldfarb consulted with experts, who offered these tips:
Finally, be prepared for all outcomes. It takes two to keep a relationship going, so the goal of renewal has to work for you both. Have you ever reached out to an old friend? How did you initiate and what was the outcome? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.  It goes without saying that good teachers are good communicators—or does it? (Tweet it!) Many universities and business schools rely on “expert” teachers who are tops in their field, but not necessarily skilled at transferring their knowledge to other people.
Writing in The New York Times , organizational psychologist Adam Grant points out that experts in any given field might have mastered basic material so long ago that they are especially challenged in conveying it to novices. In addition, the skills that got them where they are—e.g. research brilliance or entrepreneurial success—may not have prepared them to teach what they know to others. “I’ve come to believe that if you want to learn something new, there are three factors that you should keep in mind when choosing a teacher — whether it’s a professor or mentor or soccer coach,” writes Grant. To quote…
Tell us about the best teacher you ever had. How did this person communicate material in a way that resonated with you? Have you ever had an “expert” teacher who was hard to understand and learn from? If you are a teacher, what are your communication best practices? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning series.  Many people want to be able to converse well at parties, networking events, and interviews. In a recent New York Times “Smarter Living” column (https://nyti.ms/2xmb9mj), Tim Herrera compiled the following tips:
Finally, we’d like to add a guideline that Justin Jones- Fosu recommends. Before you start talking about yourself, ask your conversation partner three follow up questions. Chances are they’ll think you’re the smartest person in the room! Do you consider yourself a good conversationalist? What are your secrets? (Tweet it!) To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Is your workplace tainted with a negative vibe: complaints, gossip, co-workers undercutting one another? Combating negativity can begin with one person: Might that be you? (Tweet it!)
Writing in Forbes , Millennial and Gen Z engagement expert and speaker Ashira Prossack offers these tips for anyone willing to try to reverse the tone of their work environment:
Have you experienced negativity in your workplace? Have you done anything to reduce it? Is it working? We’d love an example! To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Most people have yelled at their kids—and doing so to keep them from running into traffic is perfectly understandable. (Tweet it!) But it’s ineffective if you’re doing it to correct a behavior like throwing clothes on the floor or procrastinating on homework. In fact, it “merely imprints the habit of yelling onto the children.”
So says Stephen Marche, author and parenting podcaster. Writing in The New York Times, Marche cites a 2014 study in The Journal of Child Development, which demonstrates that yelling produces results similar to physical punishment in children: increased levels of anxiety, stress and depression along with an increase in behavioral problems. Since “yelling…is the response of a person who doesn’t know what else to do,” Marche recommends an alternative: the ABC technique of Alan Kazdin, professor of psychology and child psychiatry at Yale.
The purpose of Kazdin’s ABC’s is to build habits by actually changing the brain. And, as a positive side effect, family relations improve overall. Have you ever been brought to yelling at your kids? How could you use the ABC’s instead? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Work can be stressful, but sometimes we overreact to even a mild correction or critique with excessive defensiveness, even outrage. (Tweet it!) Why? Our brain wiring may be part of the answer.
The human brain is wired for pattern recognition, and we interpret the present in terms of past experience. If the person criticizing us reminds us of someone from our past with whom we had a difficult relationship, we can reach into our “relationship data bank” and dredge up what Sigmund Freud called a transference – meaning we actually transpose our feeling about one person onto another. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, executive coaches Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries and Katharina Balacz, advise that anyone who notices they may be overly sensitive at work should ask themselves these questions:
While our unconscious transference reactions can cause overreactions, becoming aware of them can help us modulate our responses, avoid repeating mistakes and be more in control of outcomes. Have you ever overreacted at work, perhaps multiple times with the same person? Do you think there is a chance this person reminds you of someone with whom you had a complex and difficult relationship in the past? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Self-reliance is a quintessential American value, but it can be taken too far. At one time or another, everyone could use some help at work, though many are reluctant to ask. (Tweet it!)
Speaking to The New York Times , social psychologist Heidi Grant, author of the book Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You, called the ability to ask for help “a learnable skill.” Although it is a skill we seldom think about, it can have a profound impact on our goals and lives. The good news: People want to help. A 2008 study from Cornell found that subjects “underestimated by as much as 50 percent the likelihood that others would agree to a direct request for help.” The key is:
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Leadership coach and former Navy SEAL Jeff Boss says that many of his clients ask for a 60-day or 90-day plan to improve their leadership effectiveness. It’s not that plans aren’t valuable”, he writes in Forbes, “[but] I can’t think of any mission in the SEALs that actually went according to plan.”
Better than planning is preparedness (Tweet it!) —and to that end, Boss notes the top three things that effective leaders show up with every day.
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  By now you may have heard about research results confirming that surrounding yourself with positive people can make you healthier and happier (Tweet it!) (https://bit.ly/1qciYSS). But how can you enhance your exposure to these “glass half full” types?
Dan Buettner, a National Geographic fellow and author, has studied the health habits of people who live in so-called blue zones — regions of the world where people live far longer than the average. He noted that positive friendships are a common theme in the blue zones. But such relationships are not necessarily left to chance. In Okinawa, Japan, a place where the average life expectancy for women is around 90, the oldest in the world, people form a social network called a moai — a group of five friends who offer social, logistic, emotional and even financial support for a lifetime. “It’s a very powerful idea,” Mr. Buettner told The New York Times (https://nyti.ms/2A42NDv). “Traditionally, their parents put them into moais when they are born, and they take a lifelong journey together.” Mr. Buettner is working with federal and state health officials, including the former United States Surgeon General Vivek Murthy, to create moais in two dozen cities around the country. Want to create your own? The key to building a successful moai is to start with people who have similar interests, passions and values. If you’re not sure about the impact the people around you are having, the Blue Zone team has created a quiz to help you assess the positive impact of your own social network. Do you believe you have positive people around you, and how would you describe their effect on you? Do you believe you make a positive impact on others? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  The art of translation is something we don't think about much—until something goes wrong. (Tweet it!) But history abounds with consequential mistranslations—“erroneous, intentional or simply misunderstood”—says Mark Polizzotti, author of Sympathy for the Traitor: A Translation Manifesto. (https://nyti.ms/2Ltlztr).
Nikita Khrushchev’s infamous 1956 statement—“We will bury you”—ushered in one of the Cold War’s most perilous periods. But it turns out the Soviet’s actual declaration was “We will outlast you.” And the response of Kantaro Suzuki, prime minister of Japan, to an Allied ultimatum in July 1945—days before Hiroshima—was conveyed to Harry Truman as “silent contempt” (“mokusatsu”), when it was actually intended as “No comment. We need more time.” Japan was not given more time. Myriad examples go back through antiquity. But lately, the perils of potential mistranslation have taken on renewed urgency. Free-form tweets in one’s native idiom instantly reach a global audience. But the nature of tweets, with their fractured syntax and frequent idioms, can lend themselves to misinterpretation. Careful and thorough reading of translated material can literally make the difference between war and peace. If we are aiming for a global audience, we must consider the difficulties that hastily crafted communications may pose to foreigners. Likewise, we must try to ensure that the translations we read and hear are accurate. Have you ever been misled by a poor or incomplete translation? What were the consequences? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Being perceived as having or not having a certain accent has profound consequences. (Tweet it!) Preconceptions about accents can lead to discrimination in job interviews, performance evaluations and access to housing, to name just a few areas. According to linguist Roberto Rey Agudo of Dartmouth College, “Too often, at the hospital or the bank, in the office or at a restaurant — even in the classroom — we embrace the idea that there is a right way for our words to sound and that the perfect accent is one that is not just inaudible, but also invisible.” But as Professor Agudo also points out, “No one speaks without an accent.” (New York Times)
The “standard accent” in the United States—the one we tend to hear in the media—is still an accent. Perhaps one key difference is that the standard accent is never mocked, unlike many nonnative accents or American variants, such as Southern Drawl, Valley Girl, or New York “Fuhgedaboudit.” Such judgments are purely social, says Agudo. “To linguists, the distinctions are arbitrary. However, the notion of the neutral, perfect accent is so pervasive that speakers with stigmatized accents often internalize the prejudice they face.” What we all must remember is that accent by itself is a poor measure of language proficiency (the linguistic equivalent of judging a book by its cover). It does not reflect strength of vocabulary, or capability to provide detail or to hold one’s own in an argument. Instead, we should become aware of our linguistic biases and learn to listen more deeply before making judgments. Do you think you have an accent, and how would you characterize it? Do you think you have ever, perhaps unwittingly, pre-judged anyone based on their accent? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  People like getting thank you notes. So why do so few of us send them? (Tweet it!) According to Amit Kumar, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin who studies well-being, it’s because people underestimate the appeal of receiving an appreciative email. In a study conducted by Kumar and Professor Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago (https://nyti.ms/2zZyRIE), researchers found that people also fear that the note may appear insincere and might make the recipient feel uncomfortable.
In the study, over 100 participants in each of four experiments were asked to write a short “gratitude letter” to someone who’d affected them in some way. Sample letters included expressions of thanks to friends who offered guidance through the college admissions process, job searches and other stressful times. After receiving thank-you notes and filling out questionnaires about how it felt to get them, many said they were “ecstatic,” scoring their happiness rating at 4 of 5. The senders typically guessed they’d evoke a 3. Dr. Kumar observed that it took most subjects less than five minutes to write the letters. So, what are people waiting for? Along with underestimating the value of sending such notes to others, many seemed to be concerned with how much their writing would be scrutinized. As it turned out, most recipients didn’t care how the notes were phrased; they cared about warmth. And they also tended to judge the writing itself as very competent. In all, says Dr. Kumar, “People tend to undervalue the positive effect they can have on others for a tiny investment of time.” When is the last time you sent a thank you note, and what was the response? When was the last time you received one, and how did it make you feel? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Employees might dislike open office plans, but at least they help employees collaborate and build a sense of teamwork, right? Well, nope. (Tweet it!)
Ethan Bernstein and Stephen Turban, of Harvard Business School and Harvard University, took a look at employees who switched from individual cubicles to an open office plan. What they found wasn't more collaboration after the switch but less (https://bit.ly/2KYeywv). The participants in the study, whose roles included sales, technology and human resources:
Although it is probably no surprise that employees have expressed negative feelings about open plan offices, both in terms of lost privacy and adverse effects on communication, this is the first study to provide an objective measure of the impact of an open-plan space on how people interact. “While it is possible to bring chemical substances together under specific conditions of temperature and pressure to form the desired compound, more factors seem to be at work in achieving a similar effect with humans,” the researchers said. “Until we understand those factors, we may be surprised to find a reduction in face-to-face collaboration at work even as we architect transparent, open spaces intended to increase it. Have you ever worked in an open space office? What was your preferred method of communication with co-workers while you did, and why? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion |
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