Leadership coach and former Navy SEAL Jeff Boss says that many of his clients ask for a 60-day or 90-day plan to improve their leadership effectiveness. It’s not that plans aren’t valuable”, he writes in Forbes, “[but] I can’t think of any mission in the SEALs that actually went according to plan.”
 
Better than planning is preparedness (Tweet it!) —and to that end, Boss notes the top three things that effective leaders show up with every day.
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1. Questions: Effective leaders use questions to help themselves learn and to help others learn. They’re also smart about what to ask. “This means they listen fully before conjuring up a question rather than planning what question to ask as people are talking.” 
2. Open Ears: Other people have questions too. A good leader is receptive to the queries and concerns of others, noting them down and following up. 
3. Humility: “Humility opens the door to learning. It also allows you to defer to the person with the greatest subject matter expertise and context about the problem, so it gets solved in the best way possible.”

Do you show up at work with questions, open ears and humility? What are your other “show up” factors for effective leadership? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

A Gallup report reveals that millennial career happiness is down while disengagement at work climbs: 71% of Millennials aren't engaged on the job, and half of all those employed plan to leave within a year. Bosses carry the responsibility for 70% of employee engagement variances.
 
When Millennial employees feel supported by their boss, their happiness on the job soars — as does company success. (Tweet it!) But building a healthy relationship involves the efforts of both parties. Writing in Forbes, “Under 30” columnist Sarah Landrum advises, “When you’re first hired, you should get to know your company’s culture and closely watch your boss as you learn the ropes.” Among variables to consider:

• Mood: Does your boss need coffee to start the day? If you see other employees lay low before the boss gets caffeinated, you should stay under the radar too.
• Communication: Don’t wait too long to break important news. In-depth topics may be scheduled for a meeting through a phone call or email rather than a surprise visit.
• Leadership: What kind of leader is your boss? Command leaders make decisions without input or challenge from others. Participative leaders value the input of team members, although many decisions remain with the boss after considering individual input. Know what you’re dealing with, and adapt your approach.
• Emotional Style: Some bosses are more emotionally reinforcing than others. Some might seem cold, but are actually just analytical. If you’re more focused on interpersonal relationships, that’s your strength, but your boss might have a very different style.

 
Do you think your relationship with your boss could be improved? What actions are you taking to make that happen? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

We’ve heard that failure is a necessary part of success. (Tweet it!) Now a study in the journal Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience adds a new twist. It finds that reflecting on past failures—by writing about them—may help us stay calm in the face of new challenges.

According to an article in Forbes  researchers from Rutgers, The University of Pennsylvania and Duke predicted that writing about a past failure would actually reduce a person’s stress level during a stressful situation in the present, whereas writing about a random topic would have no effect.

To stress the participants, they subjected them to well-known social stress tests, such as preparing a speech in five minutes, which they had to deliver in front of a “speech expert.” As predicted, people who’d written about a past failure didn’t show the typical stress response (measured by the stress hormone cortisol) compared to the control group, who’d written about movie plots. The former group also did better on the tests of attention.

Why does this connection exist? The researchers say that “writing about failures may make a new stressor seem subjectively less stressful by comparison.” In other words, reflecting on past stresses makes new ones seem not so bad.

Have you ever used expressive writing to help you process a disappointment at work or in your personal life? What was its effect? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Loneliness at work impairs mood and health — and hurts productivity and the bottom line. The economic damage caused when employees suffer feelings of isolation may soon worsen as offices become more automated and more people work remotely (https://wapo.st/2ESB9qa).

The share of American adults who say they're lonely has doubled since the 1980s to 40 percent, says AARP. Though the U.S. doesn't track the financial effect of disconnected workers, researchers in Britain, which recently appointed a Minister of Loneliness, estimate the penalty to businesses can reach $3.5 billion annually (including higher turnover and heftier health-care costs). 

Among the loneliest professions: lawyers, engineers, and research scientists, followed by workers in food services, libraries, and education. Even though these jobs do involve human contact, a lack of true camaraderie takes a significant toll.
 
Social forces may be engendering increasing isolation, but awareness is key. (Tweet it!) Managers should actively search for ways to create emotionally open cultures, where employees feel safe to talk about issues and have opportunities to bond.
 
Do you ever feel lonely at work? What could be done to alleviate that loneliness? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Joining an organization means adapting to its culture. But most organizations don’t reveal their unspoken cultural rules to newcomers, and job seekers are often more focused on job descriptions, benefits, and new bosses. (Tweet it!) But organizational norms have a profound influence on an individual’s success. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Allen H Church, senior vice president of Global Talent Assessment and Development at PepsiCo, and Claremont McKenna professor Jay A. Conger list five dimensions of culture that warrant attention:

1. Relationships: Is work done collaboratively or solo? Are co-workers friendly and willing to help you make connections?
2. Communication: Does communication occur more through formal channels or spontaneously? Must you “pre-clear” communication through a hierarchy?
3. Decision Making: Are decisions made by consensus or handed down? Is there a bias toward taking action or for lots of analyzing?
4. Individual vs. Groups Perspectives: Is there a “hero mentality” that supports ambitious individuals or a propensity for sharing risks and rewards?
5. Change Agents: Does the organization want newcomers to “shake things up?” How quickly does it want change to occur?

 
No one will spell these things out for you, so pay attention! if you want to be effective and respected, notice not just what your colleagues do, but also how they do it.
 
Have you ever joined an organization where the culture took you by surprise? What adaptations did you have to make to fit in? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Consider that self-confidence can lead us to overestimate our abilities. Self-compassion, on the other hand, involves acknowledging our flaws and limitations and looking at ourselves more objectively. Many experts believe that self-compassion includes the advantages of self-confidence without the drawbacks (Tweet it!).

Eric Barker, author of the book Barking Up the Wrong Tree: The Surprising Science Behind Why Everything You Know About Success Is (Mostly) Wrong, notes that productivity culture often promotes faking confidence without considering that when you do, you may start to believe your own pitch. This is better known as the Dunning-Kruger effect: a cognitive bias in which we overestimate our abilities.

Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas, suggests a solution to the problem of overconfidence: self-compassion. “Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness, care and concern you show a loved one,” she said.  To acknowledge ourselves as imperfect beings living imperfect lives can free us from delusion and enable us to be authentic and empathic and to take negative events in stride. (For example, a study asked people to describe themselves while being recorded on video. Those subjects were then told they would be rated on how likable, friendly and intelligent they seemed on camera. Subjects who had high levels of self-compassion had generally the same emotional reaction no matter how they were rated. By contrast, people with high levels of self-confidence had negative emotional reactions if the feedback was simply neutral and not exceptional.

The bottom line, writes Kristin Wong in The New York Times: “Without the pressure to be superhuman, it’s easier to accept feedback and criticism. It’s much harder to learn and improve when you believe you already know everything.” http://nyti.ms/2DIS3Jb

Do you believe you practice self-compassion? How has it helped you to succeed despite life’s ups and downs? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

By now, many employees are familiar with sexual harassment training, be it online or in person. It’s become ubiquitous since 1998, when two Supreme Court cases determined that for a company to avoid liability, it had to show that it had trained employees on its anti-harassment policies. But does it work?
 
According to research by Justine Tinkler, a sociologist at the University of Georgia http://bit.ly/2my2R4m, the training may inadvertently backfire by reinforcing gender stereotypes. Tinkler, quoted in The New York Times, said “It puts women in a difficult position in terms of feeling confident and empowered in the workplace” because it presents men as powerful and sexually insatiable and women as vulnerable. Other research found that training that described people in a legal context, as harassers or victims, led those being trained to reject it because they didn’t think the labels applied to them.
 
(Tweet it!) Researchers say training, though essential, is not enough. Companies must reinforce it via culture, by:

• Empowering bystanders to take action;
• Encouraging reporting;
• Stressing overall civility in the workplace;

• Promoting more women.

 
What has been your reaction to sexual harassment training? What else does your organization do to discourage inappropriate behavior? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Hiring great people is the start to building a great team—but it’s hardly enough. Adam Bryant, who writes The New York Times column “Corner Office”, interviewed 525 chief executives about how they lead. Their pointers for keeping a team on top: Stress collaboration and communication.

• Create a clear and simple map: Build consensus on where you are going and how you will get there. Trouble begins when leaders list five, seven or ten priorities. As Jim Collins, author of the best-selling management book Good to Great, says: “If you have more than three priorities, you don’t have any.”
• Become a Broken Record: Remind your team of plans and priorities over and over. Marc Cenedella, chief executive of The Leaders.com, a job search site, says, “Until they start making jokes about how often you repeat it, they haven’t internalized it.”
• Acknowledge Team Culture: Team culture always happens, but too often it is not conscious or deliberate. Rather than take a laissez-faire approach, look for opportunities to set some shared guidelines for how to work together (Tweet it!). 
• Model Respectful Behavior: It is only when team members feel respected that they will bring their best selves and their best ideas to work.

What are your best practices for keeping a team motivated and productive? What caveats can you share? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

It’s hard to apologize because “human beings are wired for defensiveness.” So says psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of the new book Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

In a recent NPR interview, Lerner addressed that special subgenre of apology—the sexual harassment apology—so ubiquitous of late. The rules for this kind of mea culpa, she says, are essentially the same as for any good apology.
 

• The wrongdoer should carry some of the pain, (e.g. “I will be struggling — perhaps forever — because of the harm I've caused women who trusted me to mentor and help them.”)
• Do not ask for forgiveness. Lerner stresses that nothing should be asked of those who were harmed.
• Avoid qualifier words like “if” or “might” (e.g. “I’m so sorry if you felt hurt by what I did.”)

 
Lerner says that good apologies are important but they're not enough. Apologies do not excuse perpetrators from the consequences of their actions (Tweet it!).
 
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a sexual harassment apology? How did you feel? If you have not, what do you believe such an apology should include? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

You know that moment when you’re in mid-conversation and can’t come up with the word you want to use? Later, it shows up in your consciousness, though it’s no longer relevant. Researchers call this the “tip of the tongue state.” It’s more or less universal and—good news—it is not a sign of dementia or Alzheimer’s.
 
“You can’t talk to anybody, in any culture, in any language, in any age group, that doesn’t know what you’re talking about” when you describe this state, Lise Abrams, a psychology professor at the University of Florida who’s studied the phenomenon for 20 years, told The New York Times. There are even occurrences among sign language users (called tip-of-the-finger states).

We’re more likely to blank on words we use less frequently, and a common category of “tip of the tongue” words is proper names. “…One reason might be that proper names are arbitrary links to the people they represent, so people with the same name don’t possess the same semantic information the way that common nouns do,” Abrams said.

The bad news is there’s not a whole lot we can do in the moment to jog our memory. But using certain words or names more often can make us less likely to forget. So if you can never seem to remember the name of your neighbor or co-worker down the hall, try saying their names out loud whenever you can (Tweet it!). Doing so might save you an awkward encounter.

What methods do you use for recalling names? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

It’s no secret that many people view conversation as speaking and then waiting to speak again—without doing much real listening in between. In more severe cases, “conversational narcissists” engage in what sociologist Charles Derber calls “the shift response”— exploiting any topic as an excuse to bring the discourse back to themselves (often in order to boast or display “superior” knowledge).
 

Conversational narcissism can also take a more passive form – in which people withhold the kinds of cues that encourage a speaker to go on—such as asking questions, making sounds of affirmation (“uh-huh”) or even nodding. But whether active or passive, conversational narcissists can’t learn anything new, as they are so caught up in their own narrative.
 
Only through active listening can we engage in a truly reciprocal dialogue (Tweet it!). To practice active listening, writer and entrepreneur Shane Parrish, writing in Thrive Global  suggests the following:
 

• Avoid trying to respond immediately. Allow the other person time to finish. Then consider if your response will be shifting or supportive.
• Keep track of your use of pronouns. An over-reliance on ‘I’ and ‘me’ can indicate a desire to steer the conversation toward you.
• During an argument, accept that people are rarely willing to change their viewpoint. Instead of becoming angry, try to understand the other person’s logic.
• Increase your motivation to listen. This motivation might be the desire to improve a relationship, make someone feel better, or make an exchange as clear as possible.

Do you ever catch yourself tuning out the person you are speaking with? What techniques do you use to make your listening more active? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Why do we often say “yes” when we’d rather say “no?” Most of us like to be obliging and, in general, agreeing is easier than the alternative. But when we offer an easy “yes” we risk overcommitting our time, energy or even money (Tweet it!).
 
Saying ”no” can restore our autonomy (http://nyti.ms/2yIPrde).
But some of us have to learn how to do it. One technique is called refusal strategy. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research, by Professor Vanessa M Patrick and Henrik Hagtvedt, found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” helped participants to avoid unwanted commitments.
 
Salesperson pushing you to open a store credit card? “Sorry, I don’t use anything except my Frequent Flyer Rewards card.” Co-workers pressuring you to go out drinking? “No, I don't go out during the week.” Of course it’s more difficult when your boss asks you to take on yet another project, but you can try phrasing your “don't” positively, as in “I don't want my other pressing project to suffer.”
 
Naturally, we can’t say “no” to everything, but it’s easier to say no when you know how to say it. And the more you say it, the easier it gets.
 
Do you say “yes” more often than you want? In what situations does this happen? What methods have you used for tempering this habit? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

When employees go beyond their formal roles—helping out coworkers, volunteering for special assignments, introducing ideas, and putting in extra hours on projects, research shows that their companies are more effective overall (Tweet it!). So how can managers encourage employees to take on “good citizenship behaviors?”

Writing in The Harvard Business Review, Mark C. Bolino of the University of Oklahoma’s Price College of Business and Anthony C. Klotz of Oregon State University’s College of Business, note that it is important that managers help employees find customized ways to go beyond the call of duty in order to help make work more meaningful and fulfilling—not because they feel pressured. Managers should let their employees know what types of cooperative behaviors are most important for their group, while recognizing that asking employees to engage in too much service beyond their own work priorities can be counterproductive. Employees should also feel free to tell their managers what types of citizenship behavior are most consistent with their strengths, motives, and passions.

By realizing that not all work group cooperation looks alike, and allowing employees to tailor their citizenship to fit their talents, managers can enhance employee well-being and group productivity. But managers alone are not the answer. In the end, employees will likely be cooperative citizens when colleagues are appreciative and generous in return.
 
What kind of good citizenship behaviors do you engage in at work? How do you encourage others to be good workplace citizens? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

In order to grow, we must step outside our comfort zone (Tweet it!). But as CNN commentator and bestselling author Mel Robbins says, knowing what to do and why you need to do it will never be enough. “If you don’t start doing the things you don’t feel like doing, you will wake up one year from today and be in exactly the same place.”
 
As Robbins explains, when there is an internal dialogue between what you should be doing and what you feel like doing, feelings tend to win. That’s why she posits The Five Second Rule:
 
If you have an impulse to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill the idea.

If you have a goal of losing weight, go to the gym. If you have a goal of launching your own business, fill out a business plan template. If you are at a networking event, stop standing in the corner and introduce yourself. “Because when you physically move, your brain starts to build new habits. When you do something you’re not used to doing, you are in the act of building new habits and erasing existing ones.”

Have you ever overridden what you think was a good impulse (one aimed at reaching a positive goal) and regretted it later? What would you have done differently? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion