We all enjoy positive feedback, but negative feedback…not so much. Still, as we have long said, negative feedback is an incredibly valuable way to learn when we are doing things where our intention and impact don't match up. (Tweet it!) Nevertheless, we may reflexively become defensive when we get feedback that doesn’t jive with the story we tell ourselves.
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Writing in The Harvard Business Review, executive coach Peter Bregman, author of Leading With Emotional Courage, listed some of the most common things we say, or think, to defend against feedback that threatens the way we see ourselves. Among them:

•  “Yes, that’s true but it’s not my fault.” (Playing the victim)
• “I don't do that.” (Denying)
• “There are lots of examples of me acting differently.” (Countering)
• “I may have done this, but you did that.” (Attacking)
• “That’s not the real issue.” (Deflecting)

“If you ever notice yourself saying, or thinking, any of the above, it’s a clear sign that your ego is getting in the way of an important learning,” says Bregman. As a simple, reliable, default response, he suggests, “I really appreciate you taking the time and the effort to tell me. Thank you.” This lets people know it is safe to give you feedback, and makes them more likely to talk to you rather than to talk about you to others.

How did you respond the last time someone gave you negative feedback? Do you wish you had done anything differently? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Perhaps the only thing more stressful than being a teen—facing high stakes academics, social media pressures, peer competition, and more—is being the parent of one. Meltdowns can be common – even for the most well-meaning parents. (Tweet it!)
 
Writing in The New York Times, Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, shared a technique she learned while chatting with the counseling team at a Dallas girls’ school.
 
A counselor showed Damour a clear jam jar. Its lid was glued on and it was filled with water plus a layer of sparkling purple glitter on the bottom. “When a girl falls apart in my office, I do this,” she said, while shaking the jar fiercely, like an airport snow globe…”After that I say to her, ‘Honey, this is your brain right now. So first … let’s settle your glitter.’”
 
Damour calls this “an elegant model of the neurology of the distressed teenager.” Early in adolescence, the brain begins upgrading itself to become more powerful and efficient. “The primitive regions, which are just above the back of the neck and house the emotion centers, are upgraded first — starting as early as age 10. The more sophisticated regions, located behind the forehead and giving us our ability to reason and maintain perspective, are redone last and may not reach full maturity until age 25.” During this process, young people, when upset, can be overcome, crashing the entire system until it has a chance to reboot.
 
Damour has enthusiastically recommended glitter jars to several parents and colleagues, knowing that some teenagers will instantly benefit from having a concrete model of emotional distress. Even more important, she says, she has “come to appreciate that a glitter jar’s main utility is in the instructions it provides to those who are caring for the overwrought: Be patient and communicate your confidence that emotions almost always rise, swirl, and settle all by themselves.”
 
Have you parented a teen, or known one well? If so, what do you think of the glitter jar approach? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

When you want to disagree with an opinion, voice a new idea, or perhaps question a current practice, speaking up can be intimidating. (Tweet it!) In fact, research suggests that most people tend to not act in such situations, and then rationalize their inaction. But we cannot really be diligent employees, thoughtful colleagues, or empathic leaders if we deny our own voices. So, what can we do?
 


Writing in The Harvard Business Review Columbia University’s Heidi Grant, a social psychologist and author of Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You, offers these strategies:
 

• Recognize the psychological difficulty of speaking up: Your worthwhile plan will go a bit easier if you acknowledge it won't be easy.
• Try to lessen the social threat that speaking up creates: Especially when you’re communicating up the chain of command, make it clear you are providing feedback on impact, rather than on intent.
• Make a plan: Even though you won’t be able to predict the specific outcomes of every scenario, creating a plan for how to speak up can significantly increase the likelihood that you will do so when the moment presents itself, and that success will be more likely.

 
Can you offer an example of a time when your speaking up had a positive impact? How did you ready yourself to do so? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Knowing the right thing to say to a friend or coworker who has experienced a personal loss doesn’t come easily. It’s a skill we’re not taught, as many societies generally avoid talking about death and grieving. And the less experience we’ve had with these situations, the less obvious it is whether we’re helping or hurting.
In a recent New York Times “Crowdwise” column, David Pogue offers the following pointers, “brought to you by people who’ve been on the receiving end”:

• Don’t talk about how someone’s loss affects you (”I could never handle what you're going through.”)
• Don't talk about the “bright side” (“At least she didn’t suffer.”)
• Offering your beliefs about God and heaven to a nonreligious person who doesn’t share your beliefs can backfire.
• Don’t tell a grieving person how to feel; whatever they are feeling is okay and they have a right to their emotions.

 
What should you say instead? “I wish I had the right words;” “I know how much you loved her;” or, simply, “I’m so sorry” are appropriate. If you knew the person well, telling the mourner a story about their loved one can be a great gift—especially at a time when they thought there would be no more stories. (Tweet it!)
 
If you have experienced a personal loss, what expressions of empathy meant the most to you and why? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Overwhelmed by email? Join the club. One recent survey suggested the average American’s inbox has 199 unread messages (https://bit.ly/2XBZNpW). But ignoring email from co-workers communicates that their priorities are unimportant to you.





And when researchers compiled a huge database of the digital habits of teams at Microsoft, they found that the clearest warning sign of an ineffective manager was being slow to answer emails (https://bit.ly/2s4t64D).
 
Responding in a timely manner shows that you are conscientious, organized, and dependable. But, of course, not every single email deserves a reply, Writing in The New York Times, organizational psychologist Adam Grant offers some guidelines to help prioritize:
 

• Feel free to ignore emails from strangers.

• The same goes for near-strangers repeatedly asking you to do something for them.

• Set boundaries and delay responding to after-hours work emails that are not emergencies. (Tweet it!)

• If you’re just hopelessly behind on your inbox, at least set up an auto-reply giving people another channel where they can reach you for time sensitive matters: a Slack channel, Twitter, or phone number.

 
“Whatever boundaries you choose,” writes Grant, “don’t abandon your inbox altogether. Not answering emails is like refusing to take phone calls in the 1990s or ignoring letters in the 1950s.”
 
How do you prioritize when you are inundated with emails? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.