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What to Say (Or Not) To Someone Who's Grieving

4/9/2019

3 Comments

 
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Knowing the right thing to say to a friend or coworker who has experienced a personal loss doesn’t come easily. It’s a skill we’re not taught, as many societies generally avoid talking about death and grieving. And the less experience we’ve had with these situations, the less obvious it is whether we’re helping or hurting.
In a recent New York Times “Crowdwise” column, David Pogue offers the following pointers, “brought to you by people who’ve been on the receiving end”:

  • Don’t talk about how someone’s loss affects you (”I could never handle what you're going through.”)
  • Don't talk about the “bright side” (“At least she didn’t suffer.”)
  • Offering your beliefs about God and heaven to a nonreligious person who doesn’t share your beliefs can backfire.
  • Don’t tell a grieving person how to feel; whatever they are feeling is okay and they have a right to their emotions.
 
What should you say instead? “I wish I had the right words;” “I know how much you loved her;” or, simply, “I’m so sorry” are appropriate. If you knew the person well, telling the mourner a story about their loved one can be a great gift—especially at a time when they thought there would be no more stories. (Tweet it!)
 
If you have experienced a personal loss, what expressions of empathy meant the most to you and why? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

3 Comments
Susan A.
4/11/2019 08:27:57 am

I have lost both of my parents who were in their late 60s in the last five years. I appreciated the colleagues and friends that didn't ask me what they could do to help and rather just showed up and did things. In the sadness of those early days, the last thing I wanted or needed was to create to do lists for people. In those moments of people showing up, I was able, at my own pace, to ask them to help me with a task. It also let me know who I could call to help later when needed.

I had a friend drop by and take me on a walk. We said nothing, just walked. I had a friend stop by and drop off some bread and milk and sandwich makings - she said she was thinking of me when she was shopping and thought we could use them. We surely could. Last, a friend dropped by with a soda for me and a tea for her, we sat on the patio and visited for about 15 minutes.

So, I'd suggest delicately doing versus asking the grieving person how you can help them. If you ask, they likely will say they don't need help - if you do, you will show that you care and are thinking of them.

Reply
Peter
4/15/2019 03:15:59 pm

Our deep thanks Susan for sharing these insightful details. Had never really thought about the power of doing rather than asking when people are experiencing loss. This will change our behavior for sure.

Reply
Amber
4/11/2019 12:17:11 pm

Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. In the few instances where I have been in a situation to respond to someone's grief, I usually do nothing out of fear of doing the wrong thing. It is helpful to hear that simple actions can be of some comfort.

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