This New Year, consider making a resolution to practice 12 months of conscious, healthy communication. Most people navigate through important moments of communication on automatic pilot, reacting from emotion rather than intention (Tweet it!). But we can transform our relationships by getting off autopilot and being proactive with positive communication.

As communication researchers and partners in work and marriage for decades, we’ve experienced both the joy and challenge of personal and business communication and we’ve found some simple steps to resolving conflict and building trust in relationships:

• Listen when your impulse is to argue
• Edit accusations that might make someone feel put down, and instead describe your feelings.
• If you have a grievance, pinpoint details with specific examples.
• Acknowledge your role in any problem
• Reach explicit, collaborative solutions that specify what each person will do differently in the future.

Confronting issues is never an easy matter, but avoidance can be hazardous not just to our relationships, but also to our own health.

Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, communicative 2019!

We want to hear. Do you have a New Year’s resolution that could lead to stronger communication? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Saying “thank you” is the ultimate win/win. Research shows that expressing gratitude increases feelings of personal well-being. (Tweet it!) As Americans approach our official day of giving thanks, perhaps all of us can take a moment to consider how we might make gratitude an ongoing part of our lives.

If you are looking for someone to practice your “thank you” on, start close to home. John Gottman, Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute of Seattle says: “Masters of relationships have a habit of scanning the world for things they can thank their partner for. People whose relationships go down the tubes scan the world for their partner’s mistakes.”

What happened when you upped the level of thanks you expressed to people around you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.

 With holiday dinners around the corner, many are dreading conversations about loaded—possibly political—topics. At times avoidance is the best policy, and perhaps you can just let someone else sit next to Uncle Ned or Aunt Matilda. But, if the relationship is such that you really want to have a calm and respectful exchange of ideas, Eben Weitzman, graduate program director of conflict resolution at University of Massachusetts Boston, has some advice (https://bit.ly/2RmFuJG). “If what you want to do is get to a mutual understanding, really inquire to understand,” he says. “Listen with interest, and without judgment.”

Some things you could say:

• Can you tell me more?
• What makes this important to you?
• What led you to feel this way?

Some things you should definitely not say:

• How could you ever think that would work?
• Don’t you realize that...
• You clearly haven’t thought this through…

If things get heated despite your best efforts, take a break. Withdraw for a while, until your adrenaline stops pumping. Deep listening is the only way out of deep conflict. And listening is too often the first casualty during contentious conversations. (Tweet it!) So, try listening until you can tell their story better than they did.

What holiday conversation are you dreading and how do you plan to handle it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Studies show that high-quality friendships provide positive health benefits, including lower incidences of chronic illnesses, higher levels of happiness and lower mortality rates (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Strong social support networks can also be a hedge against stress, depression and anxiety, say researchers (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Many of us are reflecting fondly on old friendships and wondering if they can be revived. (Tweet it!) In our electronic world, friends are often just a click, a text, or an email away—but what’s the best way to reach out, if at all?
 
Writing in The New York Times, Anna Goldfarb consulted with experts, who offered these tips:
 

• Take Inventory – Ask yourself why the friendship ended (was it a falling out or just a fading away?) and what bonded you in the past.
• Manage Expectations – Things change for everyone. Don't overwhelm a long-lost pal with prying questions. Let them disclose at their own comfort level.
• State Your Purpose – Be honest about your reasons for reaching out.
• Test the Waters – Start with small, low stakes gestures. Maybe congratulate them on a milestone. This can set the stage for more meaningful conversations.
• Go Slow – Make sure you're on solid ground before introducing (or reintroducing) your spouse, kids or others of significance.

 
Finally, be prepared for all outcomes. It takes two to keep a relationship going, so the goal of renewal has to work for you both.
 
Have you ever reached out to an old friend? How did you initiate and what was the outcome? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Many people want to be able to converse well at parties, networking events, and interviews. In a recent New York Times “Smarter Living” column (https://nyti.ms/2xmb9mj), Tim Herrera compiled the following tips:

• Stick to Acceptable Topics: Pop culture, sports, weather, and current shared experiences tend to be safest. Debra Fine author of The Fine Art of Small Talk adds another basic rule: “Don’t ask a question that could embarrass someone: ‘Is your boyfriend here?’ ‘Did you get into that M.B.A. program?’”
• Engage, don’t entertain: People think you’re a brilliant conversationalist when you ask about them rather than go on about yourself. (Researchers from the psychology department at Harvard found that talking about yourself triggers the same pleasure sensation in the brain as food. People would forgo money in order to talk about themselves.)
• Think of each conversation as a pie: Don't take more than your piece. In a two-person conversation, that means half, in a four-person, just one quarter.

 
Finally, we’d like to add a guideline that Justin Jones- Fosu recommends. Before you start talking about yourself, ask your conversation partner three follow up questions. Chances are they’ll think you’re the smartest person in the room!
 
Do you consider yourself a good conversationalist? What are your secrets? (Tweet it!) To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

The art of translation is something we don't think about much—until something goes wrong. (Tweet it!) But history abounds with consequential mistranslations—“erroneous, intentional or simply misunderstood”—says Mark Polizzotti, author of Sympathy for the Traitor: A Translation Manifesto. (https://nyti.ms/2Ltlztr).

Nikita Khrushchev’s infamous 1956 statement—“We will bury you”—ushered in one of the Cold War’s most perilous periods. But it turns out the Soviet’s actual declaration was “We will outlast you.” And the response of Kantaro Suzuki, prime minister of Japan, to an Allied ultimatum in July 1945—days before Hiroshima—was conveyed to Harry Truman as “silent contempt” (“mokusatsu”), when it was actually intended as “No comment. We need more time.” Japan was not given more time.

Myriad examples go back through antiquity. But lately, the perils of potential mistranslation have taken on renewed urgency. Free-form tweets in one’s native idiom instantly reach a global audience. But the nature of tweets, with their fractured syntax and frequent idioms, can lend themselves to misinterpretation.

Careful and thorough reading of translated material can literally make the difference between war and peace. If we are aiming for a global audience, we must consider the difficulties that hastily crafted communications may pose to foreigners. Likewise, we must try to ensure that the translations we read and hear are accurate.

Have you ever been misled by a poor or incomplete translation? What were the consequences? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

People like getting thank you notes. So why do so few of us send them? (Tweet it!) According to Amit Kumar, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin who studies well-being, it’s because people underestimate the appeal of receiving an appreciative email. In a study conducted by Kumar and Professor Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago (https://nyti.ms/2zZyRIE), researchers found that people also fear that the note may appear insincere and might make the recipient feel uncomfortable.

In the study, over 100 participants in each of four experiments were asked to write a short “gratitude letter” to someone who’d affected them in some way. Sample letters included expressions of thanks to friends who offered guidance through the college admissions process, job searches and other stressful times. After receiving thank-you notes and filling out questionnaires about how it felt to get them, many said they were “ecstatic,” scoring their happiness rating at 4 of 5. The senders typically guessed they’d evoke a 3.

Dr. Kumar observed that it took most subjects less than five minutes to write the letters. So, what are people waiting for? Along with underestimating the value of sending such notes to others, many seemed to be concerned with how much their writing would be scrutinized. As it turned out, most recipients didn’t care how the notes were phrased; they cared about warmth. And they also tended to judge the writing itself as very competent.
 
In all, says Dr. Kumar, “People tend to undervalue the positive effect they can have on others for a tiny investment of time.”
 
When is the last time you sent a thank you note, and what was the response? When was the last time you received one, and how did it make you feel? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Aaarrgghhh! Sometimes you just want to rant, right? Everyone needs to blow off steam at times. (Tweet it!) Writing in The New York Times, Carl Richards, author of the book The Behavior Gap, suggests that ranting can be a good thing…”But only if you do it right. If you do it wrong, the consequences can cost you your job, your friendships or even your marriage (https://nyti.ms/2kfHQuH).

To rant productively, says Richards, follow four guidelines:

1. Do. Not. Send: If you have the slightest doubt about emailing or posting a written rant, don’t. Just writing is cathartic.
2. Find A Friend: Instead of ranting to the person you’re frustrated with (or to the whole world), rant to someone you trust. (And if you want to rant about a co-worker, don’t do it to another co-worker. Your rant witness should be completely detached from the subject.)
3. Not in public. Grab your friend and go somewhere quiet. Nobody is at their best when ranting. Why put that on display?
4. Don’t expect a rant to fix things. Your rant will not change the issue or the person you are frustrated with. Think of ranting as something you do with the purpose of changing yourself. Get it all out. Once you purge, you can start thinking about next steps.

So, here’s our own addition:
​         Draft a conscious conversation. After your rant has cleared your head and emotions, begin to consciously consider how to raise the issue with the subject of your rant. Or, if you decide that it was as much about you as that person, put it away and move on.

What’s the last thing you ranted about, and how, where, and with whom did you do it? Did it help to get it off your chest? Did you follow up with the person who upset you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Why do most people quit their jobs? More than any other reason—more so than not liking their jobs or even not liking their bosses—it’s because they feel unappreciated. (Tweet it!)
 
According to a study by Accenture, cited by Forbes (https://bit.ly/2M0iwES), 43 percent of employees cite lack of recognition as their key reason for heading for the door. As Forbes contributor Alan Hall writes, “When your employees say to themselves and others, ‘Where’s the love?’ you’ve got a problem.”
 
We’ve spoken for decades about the positive power of appreciation. Telling people when their efforts have made a difference, and giving them the kudos they deserve is a powerful motivator. But beyond this, not doing so is a powerful deterrent to job satisfaction. Bottom line: You simply cannot overestimate the power of genuine and timely praise, recognition and gratitude.
 
Have you ever quit a job or been tempted to do so because you felt under-appreciated? How do you make those around you feel appreciated? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

It can be hard to say no, both because we want to accommodate people and also because we are sometimes insecure about standing up for our own priorities. (Tweet it!) Consequently, we can end up taking on too much, and perhaps avoiding people we fear will ask us to do more.

But Chikodi Chima, a former VentureBeat staff reporter who helps startups with their public relations and marketing, contends that saying no is saying yes to freedom. “Having the confidence and foresight to say no makes you stand out.  When you have clear goals, it’s easier to say no.” (https://bit.ly/2IiB6dX) Chima quotes Steve Jobs as an example of someone who used the power of “no” wisely. “I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things we have done,” Jobs said at the 1997 Worldwide Developers Conference. “Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” 

Sure, we want to be liked and we don't want to offend. But in the end, don’t we also want to do what we truly believe in? If so, then “no” is one of they keys to success, says Chima. “The more clear our goals become, the easier and more powerful each no becomes. Saying ‘no’ takes practice, and it may backfire, but to me it’s the ultimate sign of maturity.”
 
When was the last time you said no to someone else so you could pursue what mattered more to you? How did that experience turn out? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Keep your head up! The problem of looking down at our phones nonstop has both social and physiological consequences (http://nyti.ms/2DEfma8).
 
“Text neck” is becoming a medical issue that affects countless people according to a report published last year in The Spine Journal. The average human head weighs 10 to 12 pounds, and when we bend our neck to check our texts, the gravitational pull and stress increases to as much as 60 pounds of pressure (Tweet it!). That can lead to an incremental loss of the curve of the cervical spine.

Moreover, posture has been demonstrated to affect mood (frequent slouching can make us depressed), behavior and memory. It has an impact on our energy level and the amount of oxygen our lungs can take in. And our body language, of course, affects the way other people perceive us.

The solution: Sit up and make eye contact! Social media will still be there later.

When you look around, do you see people succumbing to text neck? Are you one of them—and, if so, what new habits can turn this around? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

We typically try to identify other people’s emotions through their facial expressions—eyes in particular. Eye contact is certainly critical in empathy, and many psychologists use the “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” exercise (where you detect subtle shifts in the looks people give you) to test empathy in their experiments. (http://socialintelligence.labinthewild.org/mite/)
 
But The Washington Post reports that a new study by Michael Kraus of the Yale School of Management has found that our sense of hearing may be even stronger than sight when it comes to accurately detecting emotion. Kraus found we are more accurate when we hear someone’s voice than when we look only at their facial expressions, or see their face and hear their voice simultaneously. In other words, you may be able to sense someone’s emotional state even better over the phone than in person (Tweet it!).
 
In several follow-up studies, Kraus focused on the reason why the voice—especially when it is the only cue—is such a powerful mode of empathy. Participants were asked to discuss a difficult work situation over a video conferencing platform, using either just the microphone or the mic and video. They were more accurate at detecting each other’s emotions in voice-only calls. When we only listen to voice, he found, our attention for subtleties in vocal tone increases. We simply focus more on the nuances we hear in the way speakers express themselves.
 
So how can we get better at interpreting emotions in voices? The human ability to perceive nuances in voices is extremely sophisticated, research shows. But as with other communication skills, paying attention is key. The more you focus on audio cues, the more you will learn.
 
Can you think of a situation where you were able to “read” important emotional information through someone’s voice alone? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Have you ever been in a meeting where your boss turns their attention from you to their phone? This “phubbing” (short for “phone snubbing”) can have a detrimental effect on morale—and on performance as well. The Washington Post reports that researchers James Roberts and Meredith David, professors of Marketing at Baylor University, have found that this behavior undermines trust and engagement in the workplace.

In their study titled “Put Down Your Phone and Listen to Me: How boss phubbing undermines the psychological conditions necessary for employee engagement,” Roberts and Meredith found that “behavior as simple as using a cell phone in the workplace can ultimately undermine an employee’s success.” Boss phubbing can have a serious negative impact on employee trust as well as employee perception that their work is meaningful, and that they are in a safe working environment. All of this can lead to decreased employee engagement and productivity.

Distracted bosses are nothing new, but ubiquitous smartphones have exacerbated the problem (Tweet it!). Roberts recommends that bosses and employees be trained to recognize the negative impact of phubbing. He suggests that supervisors be evaluated not just on quantitative measures like sales numbers, but also on whether employees trust and respect them. Organizations might also consider setting formal “smartphone policies” on when and where phones can be used.

Have you ever been “phubbed” by your boss or colleague? How did you respond, externally and internally? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

As Valentine’s Day approaches, consider giving your loved ones these gifts – each with more staying power than flowers, cards, and chocolates (Tweet it!): 

1. Listen when your impulse is to argue. Listening, a rare and pure gift from the heart, requires us to be quiet long enough to ponder our partner’s message.

2. Edit accusations that could make your partner feel put down and judged. Instead, describe your feelings. “I feel lonely” has a different ring than “you’re selfish and unresponsive.”

3. Acknowledge your role in a problem. Every issue has another side. When we describe how we contributed, even unintentionally, to a problem, we encourage our partner to hear us out.

4. Agree on a solution. Reach an explicit, collaborative agreement about what each of you will do differently in the future.

5. Follow up on your agreements. Many attempts at resolving conflict end in failure and fighting, but following up proves your commitment to view conflict resolution as a process rather than a one-shot deal.

As marriage and business partners for 40 years, we can attest that while confronting issues is never easy, avoidance is worse. And we still endorse chocolate too. It’s good for your heart.

We want to hear: What communication behaviors would you like to change in your relationships this year, and what steps are you taking to do so? Join the conversation and click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

Apologies are in the air these days—but not like this one: Tennessee Titans quarterback (and former Oregon Duck!) Marcus Mariota recently gave a mea culpa that made headlines. In it, he apologized for the way he treated the media at his press conference.

“Real quick, I want to say I am sorry for the way I handled the press conference," Mariota said, via the team's official website. “…I was rude and inappropriate, and I just want to say I apologize for it… I got an earful from my mom. That's how I was raised and I appreciate you guys for understanding."

In the grand scheme of things, no one (other than Marcus’s mom) had deemed his prior behavior shocking. Upset after a loss, he had used the term “pissed off.” But Inc columnist Justin Bariso says this apology is noteworthy “because manners like this simply aren't as common as they used to be (http://on.inc.com/2FCXs4Y).”

Barios gave a shout out to Mariota for authenticity, for humility, and for demonstrating respect. We agree with his summation:  “True leadership requires that you practice what you preach and set the example: You can talk about respect and integrity until you're blue in the face, but it won't mean anything when you curse out a family member, friend, or colleague. By showing respect first, Mariota commands respect from others--his teammates, the media, his children, and pretty much everyone else.“  Long after we forget the winner of this year’s Super Bowl, many will remember Marcus Mariota and his act of emotional intelligence and accountability (Tweet it!).

When was the last time you witnessed an apology you found authentic and impactful? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion