 Managers and leaders have a direct effect on their employees’ stress levels, but too few leaders are aware of this power. Even well-meaning managers may unwittingly stoke anxiety.
Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, professor of business psychology at Columbia University and an associate at Harvard’s Entrepreneurial Finance Lab, points out five behaviors that can increase people’s anxiety levels. Leaders who can spot these behaviors can start to change them.
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 Overwhelmed by email? Join the club. One recent survey suggested the average American’s inbox has 199 unread messages (https://bit.ly/2XBZNpW). But ignoring email from co-workers communicates that their priorities are unimportant to you.
And when researchers compiled a huge database of the digital habits of teams at Microsoft, they found that the clearest warning sign of an ineffective manager was being slow to answer emails (https://bit.ly/2s4t64D). Responding in a timely manner shows that you are conscientious, organized, and dependable. But, of course, not every single email deserves a reply, Writing in The New York Times, organizational psychologist Adam Grant offers some guidelines to help prioritize:
“Whatever boundaries you choose,” writes Grant, “don’t abandon your inbox altogether. Not answering emails is like refusing to take phone calls in the 1990s or ignoring letters in the 1950s.” How do you prioritize when you are inundated with emails? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  Psychologists and neuroscientists have been studying eye contact for decades and their research reveals much about its power—for example that we make assumptions about other people based on how much they meet our eyes or look away when we are talking to them. Dr. Christian Jarrett, editor of the British Psychological Society's Research Digest blog, curated some of the most intriguing recent findings (https://bbc.in/2sfUsWL):
Of course, too much eye contact can make people uncomfortable – and individuals who stare without letting go can be unsettling. In one study, psychologists tried to establish the preferred length of eye contact. They concluded that, on average, it is three seconds long—and no one preferred gazes that lasted longer than nine seconds (https://bit.ly/2N4usXL). Eye contact is multi-dimensional. When we gaze into another’s eyes, we are subliminally decoding messages from their eye muscles (which reveal emotion), the dilation of their pupils, and even the limbal rings (the circles that surround the irises). “When you look another person in the eye,” says Dr. Jarred, “just think: it is perhaps the closest you will come to ‘touching brains’ – or touching souls if you like to be more poetic about these things.” Have you ever noticed that you respond differently to people who make eye contact versus those who habitually look away? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  New York Times columnist David Brooks thinks Americans desperately need to find ways to be “less beastly” to one another—especially when negotiating disagreements. He recently researched and compiled some advice to promote cordiality and, yes, even kindness. Among his tips that resonate with our body of work:
What strategies do you use when negotiating in a contentious situation? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  Being praised for a job well done can boost our brain with a feel-good surge and help us accomplish more (https://bit.ly/2DsinLa). But for many of us, accepting a compliment can feel awkward.
Research shows that we tend to dwell on failures more than compliments (https://bit.ly/2BVmxIk). Perhaps there is survival value in this, says Dr Kristin Neff, an educational psychologist at the University of Texas, Austin. According to Dr. Neff, “ancestors who were negative worrywarts were more likely to survive.” Compounding our squeamishness in the face of compliments is: 1) we don't want to seem like we’re egotistical or arrogant; and 2) our skills may come so naturally to us that we underestimate their value. (Tweet it!) But compliments can be rich sources of information, giving us valuable feedback, and they have the capacity to create stronger relationships. So how can we accept complements graciously? Keep it short and positive with no self-deprecating comments. Try responses like: “Thank you, I’m glad you said that,” or “I appreciate your noticing,” or “Thanks for letting me know.” If you’re still afraid of looking swellheaded, or if you’re genuinely interested in more input, ask a follow-up question to show you value the compliment giver’s opinion and acknowledge there’s always room for improvement (https://nyti.ms/2rwoWnb), How did you respond the last time someone paid you a compliment? Did you try to deflect it, or did you accept it? Were you successful, and how did you do it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  This New Year, consider making a resolution to practice 12 months of conscious, healthy communication. Most people navigate through important moments of communication on automatic pilot, reacting from emotion rather than intention (Tweet it!). But we can transform our relationships by getting off autopilot and being proactive with positive communication.
As communication researchers and partners in work and marriage for decades, we’ve experienced both the joy and challenge of personal and business communication and we’ve found some simple steps to resolving conflict and building trust in relationships:
Confronting issues is never an easy matter, but avoidance can be hazardous not just to our relationships, but also to our own health. Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, communicative 2019! We want to hear. Do you have a New Year’s resolution that could lead to stronger communication? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  Saying “thank you” is the ultimate win/win. Research shows that expressing gratitude increases feelings of personal well-being. (Tweet it!) As Americans approach our official day of giving thanks, perhaps all of us can take a moment to consider how we might make gratitude an ongoing part of our lives.
If you are looking for someone to practice your “thank you” on, start close to home. John Gottman, Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute of Seattle says: “Masters of relationships have a habit of scanning the world for things they can thank their partner for. People whose relationships go down the tubes scan the world for their partner’s mistakes.” What happened when you upped the level of thanks you expressed to people around you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  With holiday dinners around the corner, many are dreading conversations about loaded—possibly political—topics. At times avoidance is the best policy, and perhaps you can just let someone else sit next to Uncle Ned or Aunt Matilda. But, if the relationship is such that you really want to have a calm and respectful exchange of ideas, Eben Weitzman, graduate program director of conflict resolution at University of Massachusetts Boston, has some advice (https://bit.ly/2RmFuJG). “If what you want to do is get to a mutual understanding, really inquire to understand,” he says. “Listen with interest, and without judgment.”
Some things you could say:
If things get heated despite your best efforts, take a break. Withdraw for a while, until your adrenaline stops pumping. Deep listening is the only way out of deep conflict. And listening is too often the first casualty during contentious conversations. (Tweet it!) So, try listening until you can tell their story better than they did. What holiday conversation are you dreading and how do you plan to handle it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.  Studies show that high-quality friendships provide positive health benefits, including lower incidences of chronic illnesses, higher levels of happiness and lower mortality rates (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Strong social support networks can also be a hedge against stress, depression and anxiety, say researchers (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Many of us are reflecting fondly on old friendships and wondering if they can be revived. (Tweet it!) In our electronic world, friends are often just a click, a text, or an email away—but what’s the best way to reach out, if at all?
Writing in The New York Times, Anna Goldfarb consulted with experts, who offered these tips:
Finally, be prepared for all outcomes. It takes two to keep a relationship going, so the goal of renewal has to work for you both. Have you ever reached out to an old friend? How did you initiate and what was the outcome? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.  Many people want to be able to converse well at parties, networking events, and interviews. In a recent New York Times “Smarter Living” column (https://nyti.ms/2xmb9mj), Tim Herrera compiled the following tips:
Finally, we’d like to add a guideline that Justin Jones- Fosu recommends. Before you start talking about yourself, ask your conversation partner three follow up questions. Chances are they’ll think you’re the smartest person in the room! Do you consider yourself a good conversationalist? What are your secrets? (Tweet it!) To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  The art of translation is something we don't think about much—until something goes wrong. (Tweet it!) But history abounds with consequential mistranslations—“erroneous, intentional or simply misunderstood”—says Mark Polizzotti, author of Sympathy for the Traitor: A Translation Manifesto. (https://nyti.ms/2Ltlztr).
Nikita Khrushchev’s infamous 1956 statement—“We will bury you”—ushered in one of the Cold War’s most perilous periods. But it turns out the Soviet’s actual declaration was “We will outlast you.” And the response of Kantaro Suzuki, prime minister of Japan, to an Allied ultimatum in July 1945—days before Hiroshima—was conveyed to Harry Truman as “silent contempt” (“mokusatsu”), when it was actually intended as “No comment. We need more time.” Japan was not given more time. Myriad examples go back through antiquity. But lately, the perils of potential mistranslation have taken on renewed urgency. Free-form tweets in one’s native idiom instantly reach a global audience. But the nature of tweets, with their fractured syntax and frequent idioms, can lend themselves to misinterpretation. Careful and thorough reading of translated material can literally make the difference between war and peace. If we are aiming for a global audience, we must consider the difficulties that hastily crafted communications may pose to foreigners. Likewise, we must try to ensure that the translations we read and hear are accurate. Have you ever been misled by a poor or incomplete translation? What were the consequences? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  People like getting thank you notes. So why do so few of us send them? (Tweet it!) According to Amit Kumar, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin who studies well-being, it’s because people underestimate the appeal of receiving an appreciative email. In a study conducted by Kumar and Professor Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago (https://nyti.ms/2zZyRIE), researchers found that people also fear that the note may appear insincere and might make the recipient feel uncomfortable.
In the study, over 100 participants in each of four experiments were asked to write a short “gratitude letter” to someone who’d affected them in some way. Sample letters included expressions of thanks to friends who offered guidance through the college admissions process, job searches and other stressful times. After receiving thank-you notes and filling out questionnaires about how it felt to get them, many said they were “ecstatic,” scoring their happiness rating at 4 of 5. The senders typically guessed they’d evoke a 3. Dr. Kumar observed that it took most subjects less than five minutes to write the letters. So, what are people waiting for? Along with underestimating the value of sending such notes to others, many seemed to be concerned with how much their writing would be scrutinized. As it turned out, most recipients didn’t care how the notes were phrased; they cared about warmth. And they also tended to judge the writing itself as very competent. In all, says Dr. Kumar, “People tend to undervalue the positive effect they can have on others for a tiny investment of time.” When is the last time you sent a thank you note, and what was the response? When was the last time you received one, and how did it make you feel? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Aaarrgghhh! Sometimes you just want to rant, right? Everyone needs to blow off steam at times. (Tweet it!) Writing in The New York Times, Carl Richards, author of the book The Behavior Gap, suggests that ranting can be a good thing…”But only if you do it right. If you do it wrong, the consequences can cost you your job, your friendships or even your marriage (https://nyti.ms/2kfHQuH).
To rant productively, says Richards, follow four guidelines:
Draft a conscious conversation. After your rant has cleared your head and emotions, begin to consciously consider how to raise the issue with the subject of your rant. Or, if you decide that it was as much about you as that person, put it away and move on. What’s the last thing you ranted about, and how, where, and with whom did you do it? Did it help to get it off your chest? Did you follow up with the person who upset you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  Why do most people quit their jobs? More than any other reason—more so than not liking their jobs or even not liking their bosses—it’s because they feel unappreciated. (Tweet it!) According to a study by Accenture, cited by Forbes (https://bit.ly/2M0iwES), 43 percent of employees cite lack of recognition as their key reason for heading for the door. As Forbes contributor Alan Hall writes, “When your employees say to themselves and others, ‘Where’s the love?’ you’ve got a problem.” We’ve spoken for decades about the positive power of appreciation. Telling people when their efforts have made a difference, and giving them the kudos they deserve is a powerful motivator. But beyond this, not doing so is a powerful deterrent to job satisfaction. Bottom line: You simply cannot overestimate the power of genuine and timely praise, recognition and gratitude. Have you ever quit a job or been tempted to do so because you felt under-appreciated? How do you make those around you feel appreciated? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion  It can be hard to say no, both because we want to accommodate people and also because we are sometimes insecure about standing up for our own priorities. (Tweet it!) Consequently, we can end up taking on too much, and perhaps avoiding people we fear will ask us to do more.
But Chikodi Chima, a former VentureBeat staff reporter who helps startups with their public relations and marketing, contends that saying no is saying yes to freedom. “Having the confidence and foresight to say no makes you stand out. When you have clear goals, it’s easier to say no.” (https://bit.ly/2IiB6dX) Chima quotes Steve Jobs as an example of someone who used the power of “no” wisely. “I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things we have done,” Jobs said at the 1997 Worldwide Developers Conference. “Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” Sure, we want to be liked and we don't want to offend. But in the end, don’t we also want to do what we truly believe in? If so, then “no” is one of they keys to success, says Chima. “The more clear our goals become, the easier and more powerful each no becomes. Saying ‘no’ takes practice, and it may backfire, but to me it’s the ultimate sign of maturity.” When was the last time you said no to someone else so you could pursue what mattered more to you? How did that experience turn out? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion |
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