Keep your head up! The problem of looking down at our phones nonstop has both social and physiological consequences (http://nyti.ms/2DEfma8).
 
“Text neck” is becoming a medical issue that affects countless people according to a report published last year in The Spine Journal. The average human head weighs 10 to 12 pounds, and when we bend our neck to check our texts, the gravitational pull and stress increases to as much as 60 pounds of pressure (Tweet it!). That can lead to an incremental loss of the curve of the cervical spine.

Moreover, posture has been demonstrated to affect mood (frequent slouching can make us depressed), behavior and memory. It has an impact on our energy level and the amount of oxygen our lungs can take in. And our body language, of course, affects the way other people perceive us.

The solution: Sit up and make eye contact! Social media will still be there later.

When you look around, do you see people succumbing to text neck? Are you one of them—and, if so, what new habits can turn this around? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

We typically try to identify other people’s emotions through their facial expressions—eyes in particular. Eye contact is certainly critical in empathy, and many psychologists use the “Reading the Mind in the Eyes” exercise (where you detect subtle shifts in the looks people give you) to test empathy in their experiments. (http://socialintelligence.labinthewild.org/mite/)
 
But The Washington Post reports that a new study by Michael Kraus of the Yale School of Management has found that our sense of hearing may be even stronger than sight when it comes to accurately detecting emotion. Kraus found we are more accurate when we hear someone’s voice than when we look only at their facial expressions, or see their face and hear their voice simultaneously. In other words, you may be able to sense someone’s emotional state even better over the phone than in person (Tweet it!).
 
In several follow-up studies, Kraus focused on the reason why the voice—especially when it is the only cue—is such a powerful mode of empathy. Participants were asked to discuss a difficult work situation over a video conferencing platform, using either just the microphone or the mic and video. They were more accurate at detecting each other’s emotions in voice-only calls. When we only listen to voice, he found, our attention for subtleties in vocal tone increases. We simply focus more on the nuances we hear in the way speakers express themselves.
 
So how can we get better at interpreting emotions in voices? The human ability to perceive nuances in voices is extremely sophisticated, research shows. But as with other communication skills, paying attention is key. The more you focus on audio cues, the more you will learn.
 
Can you think of a situation where you were able to “read” important emotional information through someone’s voice alone? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Have you ever been in a meeting where your boss turns their attention from you to their phone? This “phubbing” (short for “phone snubbing”) can have a detrimental effect on morale—and on performance as well. The Washington Post reports that researchers James Roberts and Meredith David, professors of Marketing at Baylor University, have found that this behavior undermines trust and engagement in the workplace.

In their study titled “Put Down Your Phone and Listen to Me: How boss phubbing undermines the psychological conditions necessary for employee engagement,” Roberts and Meredith found that “behavior as simple as using a cell phone in the workplace can ultimately undermine an employee’s success.” Boss phubbing can have a serious negative impact on employee trust as well as employee perception that their work is meaningful, and that they are in a safe working environment. All of this can lead to decreased employee engagement and productivity.

Distracted bosses are nothing new, but ubiquitous smartphones have exacerbated the problem (Tweet it!). Roberts recommends that bosses and employees be trained to recognize the negative impact of phubbing. He suggests that supervisors be evaluated not just on quantitative measures like sales numbers, but also on whether employees trust and respect them. Organizations might also consider setting formal “smartphone policies” on when and where phones can be used.

Have you ever been “phubbed” by your boss or colleague? How did you respond, externally and internally? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

As Valentine’s Day approaches, consider giving your loved ones these gifts – each with more staying power than flowers, cards, and chocolates (Tweet it!): 

1. Listen when your impulse is to argue. Listening, a rare and pure gift from the heart, requires us to be quiet long enough to ponder our partner’s message.

2. Edit accusations that could make your partner feel put down and judged. Instead, describe your feelings. “I feel lonely” has a different ring than “you’re selfish and unresponsive.”

3. Acknowledge your role in a problem. Every issue has another side. When we describe how we contributed, even unintentionally, to a problem, we encourage our partner to hear us out.

4. Agree on a solution. Reach an explicit, collaborative agreement about what each of you will do differently in the future.

5. Follow up on your agreements. Many attempts at resolving conflict end in failure and fighting, but following up proves your commitment to view conflict resolution as a process rather than a one-shot deal.

As marriage and business partners for 40 years, we can attest that while confronting issues is never easy, avoidance is worse. And we still endorse chocolate too. It’s good for your heart.

We want to hear: What communication behaviors would you like to change in your relationships this year, and what steps are you taking to do so? Join the conversation and click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

Apologies are in the air these days—but not like this one: Tennessee Titans quarterback (and former Oregon Duck!) Marcus Mariota recently gave a mea culpa that made headlines. In it, he apologized for the way he treated the media at his press conference.

“Real quick, I want to say I am sorry for the way I handled the press conference," Mariota said, via the team's official website. “…I was rude and inappropriate, and I just want to say I apologize for it… I got an earful from my mom. That's how I was raised and I appreciate you guys for understanding."

In the grand scheme of things, no one (other than Marcus’s mom) had deemed his prior behavior shocking. Upset after a loss, he had used the term “pissed off.” But Inc columnist Justin Bariso says this apology is noteworthy “because manners like this simply aren't as common as they used to be (http://on.inc.com/2FCXs4Y).”

Barios gave a shout out to Mariota for authenticity, for humility, and for demonstrating respect. We agree with his summation:  “True leadership requires that you practice what you preach and set the example: You can talk about respect and integrity until you're blue in the face, but it won't mean anything when you curse out a family member, friend, or colleague. By showing respect first, Mariota commands respect from others--his teammates, the media, his children, and pretty much everyone else.“  Long after we forget the winner of this year’s Super Bowl, many will remember Marcus Mariota and his act of emotional intelligence and accountability (Tweet it!).

When was the last time you witnessed an apology you found authentic and impactful? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Karen Huang, a Harvard PhD student, is studying the effects of asking questions in everyday conversation. Huang says some of her interest arose from personal observations: “I would meet someone for the first time, and I would…[ask] a lot of questions. And I noticed that the other person really enjoyed talking about themselves and responding to my questions, but I would also notice that they wouldn't really ask questions back,” she noted in an NPR interview.

Huang and colleagues wanted to test her hunch that people who don't ask questions appear less likable than those who ask many. So, they asked volunteers to get to know one another and then told them to either ask many questions or very few. The results showed that asking more questions increased how much the person was liked. In a separate study, the researchers looked at speed daters, analyzing the effect of posing questions to prospective partners. They found that the number of follow-up questions asked predicted a partner's willingness for a second date.
 
When we ask a question and someone responds, and then we listen and ask something related, we show attentiveness and engagement. It would seem natural that they find us likeable. But remember that while most people enjoy being asked questions, many do not ask questions themselves—and research shows most people are unaware that question asking makes then more likeable. Good news: Question-asking is a learnable skill! (Tweet it!)
 
Have you noticed that you tend to like people who ask you questions in conversation? Is asking questions something you tend to do? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

In a time when so many in the workplace are being accused of disrespectful behavior, it is important for leaders to set the right tone, and model respectful communication (Tweet it!). And one of the most powerful ways to show respect is to listen…carefully and non-judgmentally.

New York Times “Corner Office” columnist Adam Bryant has interviewed a number of CEOs who subscribe to a practice known as MRI: the Most Respectful Interpretation. Robin Domeniconi, chief executive of the fashion company Thread Tales, told Bryant that “M.R.I.” was a cornerstone of her company culture. “I don’t need everyone to be best friends,” she said, “but I need to have a team with M.R.I.”

M.R.I. involves taking the time to hear what somebody is thinking— especially if their point of view contradicts your own—and taking the time to ask clarifying questions if something doesn’t make sense. Importantly, it allows us to give others the benefit of the doubt. Although uncomplicated, it confronts some of the main causes of organizational dysfunction: lack of communication and misperception.

How do you encourage your co-workers to feel heard, respected and understood? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

There is something behind the phrase “the voice of reason”, writes Amy Ellis Nutt in The Washington Post. According to a new study, the human voice is more persuasive than the written word.


The study, published in Psychological Science, asked 300 subjects to listen to or read arguments about controversial issues. Afterward, when those subjects were asked to judge the person who communicated the argument, those who listened via video or audio, were less dismissive than those who read a transcript – even if they disagreed with the content.

“When two people hold different beliefs, there is a tendency not only to focus on that difference of opinion but also to denigrate one's opposition,” the study's authors wrote. It turns out that vocal cues, absent in written communication, have the ability to create a more positive perception of an adversary.
 
The bottom line: Even though social media enables the written word, try to talk to people you wish to persuade. Use “the voice of reason” to your advantage (Tweet it!).
 
Do you find you are more easily persuadable by voice than text or email? Do you try to speak to those with whom you have a difference of opinion? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Praise enhances performance, effort and engagement in the classroom and the workplace. But is your praise having the desired effect? Tom Finley, Assistant Editor of Edutopia, drawing on multiple studies of praise, says that encouraging words must be differentiated from “super-astonishing, spectacular hype”.


​
If you want your praise to resonate:

• Be specific: Describe the observed behavior and make a positive remark. Avoid generic (“good job”) phrases (Tweet it!)
• Be proportional: Inflated compliments and hyperbole can actually lower self-esteem.
• Be customized: Everyone needs praise, but they don't all prefer the same kind. For example, some people appreciate public praise; others like more private communication.
• Don’t be directive: Avoid tying praise to demands, e.g. “Nice presentation—you should do all your presentations that way!”

Finally, dozens of studies support one simple truth, notes Finley. “Replacing reactive admonishments with strategic praise, day after day, is the most effective way for words to motivate…”
 
What is a memorable piece of praise you have received, and how did it motivate you? What is the most effective praise you have given? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

As holiday vacations approach, it’s time for friends, family, feasts, and… out of office auto replies. Is there a good way to say, “Hey, I’m trying to unplug; so don’t expect a prompt reply?” (Tweet it!)
 
Writing for The New York Times “Smarter Living” column, Tom Herrera asked readers to suggest ways of saying ”Sorry, I’m outta here.” Of course there is the generic, “I’ll be back next week, meanwhile call so-and-so”, or the no-frills “Back on Tuesday, January 1,” but consider these:

Tembi Secrist, who works in exporting, writes, “Thank you for your email! I am on vacation. Vacations are not for checking email, so I won’t be doing that. Fortunately, we rarely encounter life and death situations in the world of exporting, and aren’t we all glad for that?”

Stephanie Grace, who Herrera says “wins for cutest auto-reply” brought a smile to all with the irresistible…“I’m out of office enjoying a weeklong backpacking trip in the Wallowas with the best adventure pup in the world, Lucy: https://www.instagram.com/luseatosky/”

What's your favorite out of office auto reply? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

It’s hard to apologize because “human beings are wired for defensiveness.” So says psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of the new book Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

In a recent NPR interview, Lerner addressed that special subgenre of apology—the sexual harassment apology—so ubiquitous of late. The rules for this kind of mea culpa, she says, are essentially the same as for any good apology.
 

• The wrongdoer should carry some of the pain, (e.g. “I will be struggling — perhaps forever — because of the harm I've caused women who trusted me to mentor and help them.”)
• Do not ask for forgiveness. Lerner stresses that nothing should be asked of those who were harmed.
• Avoid qualifier words like “if” or “might” (e.g. “I’m so sorry if you felt hurt by what I did.”)

 
Lerner says that good apologies are important but they're not enough. Apologies do not excuse perpetrators from the consequences of their actions (Tweet it!).
 
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a sexual harassment apology? How did you feel? If you have not, what do you believe such an apology should include? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

It’s no secret that many people view conversation as speaking and then waiting to speak again—without doing much real listening in between. In more severe cases, “conversational narcissists” engage in what sociologist Charles Derber calls “the shift response”— exploiting any topic as an excuse to bring the discourse back to themselves (often in order to boast or display “superior” knowledge).
 

Conversational narcissism can also take a more passive form – in which people withhold the kinds of cues that encourage a speaker to go on—such as asking questions, making sounds of affirmation (“uh-huh”) or even nodding. But whether active or passive, conversational narcissists can’t learn anything new, as they are so caught up in their own narrative.
 
Only through active listening can we engage in a truly reciprocal dialogue (Tweet it!). To practice active listening, writer and entrepreneur Shane Parrish, writing in Thrive Global  suggests the following:
 

• Avoid trying to respond immediately. Allow the other person time to finish. Then consider if your response will be shifting or supportive.
• Keep track of your use of pronouns. An over-reliance on ‘I’ and ‘me’ can indicate a desire to steer the conversation toward you.
• During an argument, accept that people are rarely willing to change their viewpoint. Instead of becoming angry, try to understand the other person’s logic.
• Increase your motivation to listen. This motivation might be the desire to improve a relationship, make someone feel better, or make an exchange as clear as possible.

Do you ever catch yourself tuning out the person you are speaking with? What techniques do you use to make your listening more active? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Why do we often say “yes” when we’d rather say “no?” Most of us like to be obliging and, in general, agreeing is easier than the alternative. But when we offer an easy “yes” we risk overcommitting our time, energy or even money (Tweet it!).
 
Saying ”no” can restore our autonomy (http://nyti.ms/2yIPrde).
But some of us have to learn how to do it. One technique is called refusal strategy. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research, by Professor Vanessa M Patrick and Henrik Hagtvedt, found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” helped participants to avoid unwanted commitments.
 
Salesperson pushing you to open a store credit card? “Sorry, I don’t use anything except my Frequent Flyer Rewards card.” Co-workers pressuring you to go out drinking? “No, I don't go out during the week.” Of course it’s more difficult when your boss asks you to take on yet another project, but you can try phrasing your “don't” positively, as in “I don't want my other pressing project to suffer.”
 
Naturally, we can’t say “no” to everything, but it’s easier to say no when you know how to say it. And the more you say it, the easier it gets.
 
Do you say “yes” more often than you want? In what situations does this happen? What methods have you used for tempering this habit? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Even though none of us relishes receiving criticism, it can have a silver lining (Tweet it!). William Treseder, a founding partner at Silicon Valley consulting firm BMNT, writes in The Harvard Business Review, we can use it to “slingshot” our growth.

Citing a personal story of being rejected by a Marine Corps recruiter and later being accepted after he lost 100 pounds, Treseder says that how we initially react to negative feedback can mean the difference between success and failure. We thwart ourselves, he says, when we take criticism of our behavior as criticism of our identity, when we are stubborn perfectionists, and when we cling to the fallacy that one person can be good at everything. To productively deal with negative feedback, he suggests the following:
 
1.    Embrace emotions – It's only natural to be upset. Let yourself feel that, but let your upset subside before moving forward.
2.    Don’t demonize: It's easy to label someone a jerk for criticizing you, but remember they at least made the effort to be honest with you.
3.    Prioritize: Sort through the feedback to see what’s worth tackling first.
4.    Piggyback on a skill: Target one key area of your behavior and see how you can improve upon it.
5.    Commit: Thank the giver of your feedback, tell them about your goal to change, and set a time to meet again in a month or so.
 
Have you ever used bluntly negative feedback to motivate yourself to improve? What was the result? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion