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A Dose of Humor Helps At Work

2/21/2023

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Research suggests that humor helps us build stronger bonds with each other, with links to greater satisfaction in the workplace. And although there may be times when spirited joke telling strikes the wrong note, a does of levity can be helpful in many situations. “Levity is a mind-set,” says Naomi Bagdonas, a lecturer at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, who advises executives on leading with humor and humanity. “It’s looking for reasons to be delighted rather than disappointed in the world around you.” 

Like any other skill, a sense of levity can be cultivated. Writing in The New York Times, Carolyn Todd offers suggestions from experts:
  • Look for things that are just the tiniest bit amusing. Try noticing what’s true, and a little bit “off.” Sensitizing yourself to these moments primes you to savor them.
  • Create a levity diary.  Find time to record your amusing experiences.  If on your morning commute, the train conductor makes an unintelligible announcement, and you make amused eye contact with another passenger, that’s material for your diary.
  • When something goes “wrong,” try to take it lightly. Reframing mishaps and mistakes will be easier in the moment if you imagine what funny stories they will make later.
  • Spend time with people who make you chuckle. Humor and lightness come naturally when we’re with people who put us in a joyful state,
  • Make humor a main ingredient in your media diet. Treat yourself to humorous TV shows, podcasts, and films, and follow comedians and humor writers on social media.
  • Get to know your own sense of humor. Are you boldly irreverent, self-deprecating, sarcastic, or a charismatic storyteller? Understanding your style helps you improve it.
Can you give an example of when levity was successfully used in your workplace? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
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Learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication with our online learning courses awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022. 


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Be curious, not furious.

1/31/2023

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Defensiveness is a deterrent to productive communication. As soon as you get your hackles up, a new conversation begins — and this one is all about your reaction! The original topic is derailed.

As Debra Roberts, interpersonal communication author, writes in Inc., we can easily spot defensive reactions in others, but it can be harder to spot them in ourselves. We all wear emotional armor and often feel threatened when it is pierced. 

Defensiveness is a form of self-protection that can present in many forms: Making excuses, ignoring or talking over the other person, criticizing the behavior of the other person, or becoming highly emotional.

To curtail defensive reactions:
  • Pause before responding:  Breathe deeply, ground your feet on the floor, and stay present. Pause at least 5 seconds before replying.
  • Shift your mindset: Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. What do they wish you would understand? Create space for the other person to feel heard.
  • Buy some time: Ask for more information: “Can you tell me more about that so I can understand? Is there anything else?” or even “I’d like some time to think about that.” 

​What do you typically do when you start to feel defensive? If its an over-reaction, do you think you can break the cycle? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. We would love to hear about your experiences!

For more details on how to respond non-defensively to criticism, check out our BreakThrough Conflict curriculum.  

Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual programs, awarded International Gold for Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.

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Arguing Well

11/8/2022

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These days there is plenty to argue about:  Politics, health, money, even the climate.  Some say we’re arguing too much; some say we’re not arguing enough. But the real problem is we are not arguing well.

​Bo Seo, a 28-year-old two-time world debating champion, says the problem of polarization stems from most arguments being “painful and useless… We spend more time vilifying, undermining and nullifying those who oppose us than we do trying to open or change their minds.” In his recent book, Good Arguments:  How Debate Teaches Us to Listen and Be Heard, he argues that if more people took their cues from the world of competitive debate, it would be easier to get people to reconsider their views or at least consider those of others.

Writing in The New York Times, columnist Pamela Paul outlines some of Seo’s key principles:
  • Know when to engage:  Arguments are easy to start and hard to end. So not every disagreement needs to be argued.
  • Stick to the specific dispute at hand:  Otherwise the quarrel can spiral out of control, moving into ever-expanding topics.
  • Proving someone wrong doesn’t mean you’re right:  Simply tearing down your opponent doesn’t prove your point. 
  • Never let a bully dictate the terms of debate: If faced with a brawler —whose aim is, “not to persuade but to silence, marginalize and break the will of their opponents” — try to restore order. In other words, see above…or disengage from the interaction.

Do you think you could have done a better job during a recent argument?  What might you have changed? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.  We really want to hear about your experiences.
​
Create lifetime communication mastery online, with our virtual courses, awarded International Gold for
Best Hybrid Learning of 2022.



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Why Criticism Lasts Longer Than Praise

10/4/2022

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It's inevitable that at some point we will all be the targets of insults, admonishments, or negative feedback. We may be advised to “shake it off” but that’s not so easy. We tend to remember criticism more than we recall praise — due to a phenomenon called the “negativity bias.”  This universal tendency for negative emotions to affect us more strongly than positive ones is evolutionary, in that it causes us to pay special attention to anything that might be a threat or put us in danger.

According to Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist at the University of Queensland and co-author of The Power of Bad: And How to Overcome It, "Our ancestors who had that [negative] bias were more likely to survive.”  However this tendency does not serve us very well on a daily basis.  Baumeister believes that until we learn how to override the disproportionate impact of the negative, it distorts our view of the world.

Of course, the impact of being criticized varies from person to person. But receiving and internalizing negative comments can increase stress, anxiety, frustration and worry, says Lucia Macchia, a behavioral scientist and visiting fellow at the London School of Economics. "Dealing with these negative emotions has a great impact on our body as they can even create and exacerbate physical pain," she adds. 

The good news: Scores of studies have shown that people tend to look on the bright side as they become older. Scientists refer to this effect as the "positivity bias" and they think we start to remember positive details more than negative information from middle age. Baumeister believes this is because we need to learn from failures and criticism in our younger years, but that need diminishes as we age.

To reduce our negativity bias sooner, it helps to remember that our genetic programming could be at the root of our ruminating about criticism. Simply recognizing this negativity effect can help us override undesirable responses — and it can also be useful to remember that some criticism says more about the giver than the receiver. 

Have you ever given more credence to a criticism than it probably warranted? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. We would really like to hear about your experiences.

Learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication with our 
online learning programs. 


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Gratitude Strengthens Relationships

7/19/2022

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Romantic partnerships can be challenging in the best of times. And two years of pandemic togetherness have not made things easier for some. Writing in The New York Times, in an adaptation of that paper’s “Seven Day Love Challenge”, Tara Parker-Pope points out that even the strongest relationship can use an occasional tune-up. Among the strategies she suggests is practicing gratitude together. 
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“Write down three things about your partner for which you feel grateful. Take a moment to read what you wrote about each other. Are you surprised about your partner’s feelings? Talk about these moments of gratitude and how they make you feel more connected to each other.”

Showing gratitude on a daily basis is a common mindfulness practice proven to boost happiness, help us get better sleep and even reduce illness. And gratitude exercises can not only make us feel closer to our romantic partners, but also to our friends and co-workers.

In general, people who express gratitude together are more satisfied in their relationships. So consider gratitude a “booster shot” for any relationship you want to keep healthy.

When was the last time you shared feelings of gratitude with your partner, co-worker or friend? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.  We would love to hear your feedback!


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Controlling Emotions in Tough Conversations

5/10/2022

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During conflict, it’s typical to move into a “flight or fight response.” Our brain is ‘hijacked’ by our amygdala, seat of fear and anxiety, and we may lose access to rational thinking. Our face may redden and our speech quicken — and because of “mirror neurons” the person to whom we are speaking may become agitated as well.  However, writing in the Harvard Business Review, Amy Gallo, author of The HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict, says, “It’s possible to interrupt this physical response, manage your emotions, and clear the way for a productive discussion.”
 
Here are some tips for calming yourself down once you’ve gotten worked up:

  • Breathe: The simple mindfulness technique of focusing on the sensations of inhaling and exhaling can counter the physical signs of panic and keep you focused.
  • Focus on your body: Standing up and walking around can help activate the thinking part of your brain. You might say, “I feel like I need to stretch some. Mind if I walk around a bit?”
  • Try saying a mantra:  Come up with a phrase that you can repeat to remind yourself to stay calm, e.g. “Go to neutral” or “This will pass.”
  • Acknowledge and label your feelings:  Distance yourself from your thoughts and emotions by naming them: “I am feeling angry because I have the thought that my co-worker is blaming me.” When you put space between you and your emotions it’s easier to let them go.
  • Take a break: The more time you give yourself to process your emotions, the less intense they are likely to be.
 
How did you handle the last conversation you had when you were “worked up” and what do you wish you might have done differently? To join the conversation, click "comments" above (just below the picture).  We would really like to hear your feedback.

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When Leaders Stress Out Employees

7/7/2020

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Managers and leaders have a direct effect on their employees’ stress levels, but too few leaders are aware of this power. Even well-meaning managers may unwittingly stoke anxiety.
Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, professor of business psychology at Columbia University and an associate at Harvard’s Entrepreneurial Finance Lab, points out five behaviors that can increase people’s anxiety levels. Leaders who can spot these behaviors can start to change them.

  1. Using negative language: Words matter…Even if two leaders are addressing the same issue, impacts vary. Talking about “possibilities,” “improvements,” or “potential” has a different impact than “problems,” “dangers,” or “complications.”
  2. Erratic or unusual actions: Even in unpredictable situations like the current pandemic, leaders should act in consistent and predictable ways. Don't make employees guess what you’ll do next.
  3. Emotional volatility: Work hard to notice your nonverbal communication when you’re feeling stressed. It soothes others when you project calm.
  4. Excessive pessimism: Pessimism can be useful in preventing risks. But keep pessimistic communication in check. During uncertain times, your staff has a right to expect you to notice what they can be optimistic about.
  5. Ignoring people’s emotions: During stressful times, avoid obsessing on your own emotions. Focus on others and exhibit empathy.
As a leader, do you think about how your words and actions impact those you manage? Have you consciously changed any of your behaviors during this stressful time? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
Learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication with our online learning programs .

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Don't Ignore Co-Workers' Emails

4/2/2019

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Overwhelmed by email? Join the club. One recent survey suggested the average American’s inbox has 199 unread messages (https://bit.ly/2XBZNpW). But ignoring email from co-workers communicates that their priorities are unimportant to you.





And when researchers compiled a huge database of the digital habits of teams at Microsoft, they found that the clearest warning sign of an ineffective manager was being slow to answer emails (https://bit.ly/2s4t64D).
 
Responding in a timely manner shows that you are conscientious, organized, and dependable. But, of course, not every single email deserves a reply, Writing in The New York Times, organizational psychologist Adam Grant offers some guidelines to help prioritize:
 
  • Feel free to ignore emails from strangers.
  • The same goes for near-strangers repeatedly asking you to do something for them.
  • Set boundaries and delay responding to after-hours work emails that are not emergencies. (Tweet it!)
  • If you’re just hopelessly behind on your inbox, at least set up an auto-reply giving people another channel where they can reach you for time sensitive matters: a Slack channel, Twitter, or phone number.
 
“Whatever boundaries you choose,” writes Grant, “don’t abandon your inbox altogether. Not answering emails is like refusing to take phone calls in the 1990s or ignoring letters in the 1950s.”
 

How do you prioritize when you are inundated with emails? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

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The Importance of Eye Contact

3/26/2019

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Psychologists and neuroscientists have been studying eye contact for decades and their research reveals much about its power—for example that we make assumptions about other people based on how much they meet our eyes or look away when we are talking to them. Dr. Christian Jarrett, editor of the British Psychological Society's Research Digest blog, curated some of the most intriguing recent findings (https://bbc.in/2sfUsWL):

  • Eye contact kicks off a raft of brain processes, and even looking at a portrait painting that appears to be making eye contact has been shown to trigger a swathe of brain activity related to social cognition – in regions involved in thinking about ourselves and others (https://bit.ly/2TPPyfq).
  • We generally perceive people who make more eye contact to be more intelligent, more conscientious and, in Western cultures, more sincere. (Tweet it!) We also become more inclined to believe what they say (https://bit.ly/2tjJkc3).
  • A recent study found that mutual gaze leads to a kind of partial melding of the self and other: we rate strangers with whom we’ve made eye contact as more similar to us (https://bit.ly/2RYnR22).
 
Of course, too much eye contact can make people uncomfortable – and individuals who stare without letting go can be unsettling. In one study, psychologists tried to establish the preferred length of eye contact. They concluded that, on average, it is three seconds long—and no one preferred gazes that lasted longer than nine seconds (https://bit.ly/2N4usXL).
 
Eye contact is multi-dimensional. When we gaze into another’s eyes, we are subliminally decoding messages from their eye muscles (which reveal emotion), the dilation of their pupils, and even the limbal rings (the circles that surround the irises). “When you look another person in the eye,” says Dr. Jarred, “just think: it is perhaps the closest you will come to ‘touching brains’ – or touching souls if you like to be more poetic about these things.”
 

Have you ever noticed that you respond differently to people who make eye contact versus those who habitually look away? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

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Facilitating Kindness

3/19/2019

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New York Times columnist David Brooks thinks Americans desperately need to find ways to be “less beastly” to one another—especially when negotiating disagreements. He recently researched and compiled some advice to promote cordiality and, yes, even kindness. Among his tips that resonate with our body of work:
 


  • Don’t meet around a problem. Problems are backward-looking and lead to assigning blame. Instead, have a possibility conversation. Discuss how you can use the assets you have to create something good together.
  • Attune to the process. When you’re in the middle of an emotional disagreement, shift attention to the process of the conversation. In a neutral voice name the emotions people are feeling and the dynamics that are in play. Build trust by showing you’re aware of how you might be contributing to the problem.
  • Agree on something. If you’re in the middle of an intractable disagreement, find some small, preliminary thing you can agree on so you can at least take a step into a world of shared reality. (Tweet it!)
  • Gratitude. Scan the scene for something for which you can thank somebody.
  • Never threaten autonomy. If you give people an order — “Calm down” or “Be reasonable” — all they hear is that you’re threatening their freedom of expression, and they will shut down. Nobody ever grew up because someone screamed, “Grow up!”

What strategies do you use when negotiating in a contentious situation? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our  online learning programs. 

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How to Accept a Compliment

1/29/2019

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Being praised for a job well done can boost our brain with a feel-good surge and help us accomplish more (https://bit.ly/2DsinLa). But for many of us, accepting a compliment can feel awkward.
 
Research shows that we tend to dwell on failures more than compliments (https://bit.ly/2BVmxIk). Perhaps there is survival value in this, says Dr Kristin Neff, an educational psychologist at the University of Texas, Austin. According to Dr. Neff, “ancestors who were negative worrywarts were more likely to survive.” Compounding our squeamishness in the face of compliments is: 1) we don't want to seem like we’re egotistical or arrogant; and 2) our skills may come so naturally to us that we underestimate their value. (Tweet it!)
 
But compliments can be rich sources of information, giving us valuable feedback, and they have the capacity to create stronger relationships. So how can we accept complements graciously? Keep it short and positive with no self-deprecating comments. Try responses like: “Thank you, I’m glad you said that,” or “I appreciate your noticing,” or “Thanks for letting me know.” If you’re still afraid of looking swellheaded, or if you’re genuinely interested in more input, ask a follow-up question to show you value the compliment giver’s opinion and acknowledge there’s always room for improvement (https://nyti.ms/2rwoWnb),
 

How did you respond the last time someone paid you a compliment?  Did you try to deflect it, or did you accept it? Were you successful, and how did you do it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our  online learning programs. 

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Wishing You 12 Months of Positive Communication

1/1/2019

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This New Year, consider making a resolution to practice 12 months of conscious, healthy communication. Most people navigate through important moments of communication on automatic pilot, reacting from emotion rather than intention (Tweet it!). But we can transform our relationships by getting off autopilot and being proactive with positive communication.

As communication researchers and partners in work and marriage for decades, we’ve experienced both the joy and challenge of personal and business communication and we’ve found some simple steps to resolving conflict and building trust in relationships:

  • Listen when your impulse is to argue
  • Edit accusations that might make someone feel put down, and instead describe your feelings.
  • If you have a grievance, pinpoint details with specific examples.
  • Acknowledge your role in any problem
  • Reach explicit, collaborative solutions that specify what each person will do differently in the future.

Confronting issues is never an easy matter, but avoidance can be hazardous not just to our relationships, but also to our own health.

Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, communicative 2019!


We want to hear. Do you have a New Year’s resolution that could lead to stronger communication? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

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For Thanksgiving and Beyond...An Attitude of Gratitude

11/20/2018

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Saying “thank you” is the ultimate win/win. Research shows that expressing gratitude increases feelings of personal well-being. (Tweet it!) As Americans approach our official day of giving thanks, perhaps all of us can take a moment to consider how we might make gratitude an ongoing part of our lives.

If you are looking for someone to practice your “thank you” on, start close to home. John Gottman, Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute of Seattle says: “Masters of relationships have a habit of scanning the world for things they can thank their partner for. People whose relationships go down the tubes scan the world for their partner’s mistakes.”

What happened when you upped the level of thanks you expressed to people around you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.

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Navigating Contentious Conversations

11/13/2018

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 With holiday dinners around the corner, many are dreading conversations about loaded—possibly political—topics. At times avoidance is the best policy, and perhaps you can just let someone else sit next to Uncle Ned or Aunt Matilda. But, if the relationship is such that you really want to have a calm and respectful exchange of ideas, Eben Weitzman, graduate program director of conflict resolution at University of Massachusetts Boston, has some advice (https://bit.ly/2RmFuJG). “If what you want to do is get to a mutual understanding, really inquire to understand,” he says. “Listen with interest, and without judgment.”

Some things you could say:
  • Can you tell me more?
  • What makes this important to you?
  • What led you to feel this way?
Some things you should definitely not say:
  • How could you ever think that would work?
  • Don’t you realize that...
  • You clearly haven’t thought this through…

If things get heated despite your best efforts, take a break. Withdraw for a while, until your adrenaline stops pumping. Deep listening is the only way out of deep conflict. And listening is too often the first casualty during contentious conversations. (Tweet it!) So, try listening until you can tell their story better than they did.

What holiday conversation are you dreading and how do you plan to handle it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

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Picking Up Where a Friendship Left Off

11/6/2018

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Studies show that high-quality friendships provide positive health benefits, including lower incidences of chronic illnesses, higher levels of happiness and lower mortality rates (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Strong social support networks can also be a hedge against stress, depression and anxiety, say researchers (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Many of us are reflecting fondly on old friendships and wondering if they can be revived. (Tweet it!) In our electronic world, friends are often just a click, a text, or an email away—but what’s the best way to reach out, if at all?
 
Writing in The New York Times, Anna Goldfarb consulted with experts, who offered these tips:
 
  • Take Inventory – Ask yourself why the friendship ended (was it a falling out or just a fading away?) and what bonded you in the past.
  • Manage Expectations – Things change for everyone. Don't overwhelm a long-lost pal with prying questions. Let them disclose at their own comfort level.
  • State Your Purpose – Be honest about your reasons for reaching out.
  • Test the Waters – Start with small, low stakes gestures. Maybe congratulate them on a milestone. This can set the stage for more meaningful conversations.
  • Go Slow – Make sure you're on solid ground before introducing (or reintroducing) your spouse, kids or others of significance.
 
Finally, be prepared for all outcomes. It takes two to keep a relationship going, so the goal of renewal has to work for you both.

 
Have you ever reached out to an old friend? How did you initiate and what was the outcome? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

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