Managers and leaders have a direct effect on their employees’ stress levels, but too few leaders are aware of this power. Even well-meaning managers may unwittingly stoke anxiety.
Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, professor of business psychology at Columbia University and an associate at Harvard’s Entrepreneurial Finance Lab, points out five behaviors that can increase people’s anxiety levels. Leaders who can spot these behaviors can start to change them.

1. Using negative language: Words matter…Even if two leaders are addressing the same issue, impacts vary. Talking about “possibilities,” “improvements,” or “potential” has a different impact than “problems,” “dangers,” or “complications.”
2. Erratic or unusual actions: Even in unpredictable situations like the current pandemic, leaders should act in consistent and predictable ways. Don't make employees guess what you’ll do next.
3. Emotional volatility: Work hard to notice your nonverbal communication when you’re feeling stressed. It soothes others when you project calm.
4. Excessive pessimism: Pessimism can be useful in preventing risks. But keep pessimistic communication in check. During uncertain times, your staff has a right to expect you to notice what they can be optimistic about.
5. Ignoring people’s emotions: During stressful times, avoid obsessing on your own emotions. Focus on others and exhibit empathy.

As a leader, do you think about how your words and actions impact those you manage? Have you consciously changed any of your behaviors during this stressful time? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
Learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication with our online learning programs .

Overwhelmed by email? Join the club. One recent survey suggested the average American’s inbox has 199 unread messages (https://bit.ly/2XBZNpW). But ignoring email from co-workers communicates that their priorities are unimportant to you.





And when researchers compiled a huge database of the digital habits of teams at Microsoft, they found that the clearest warning sign of an ineffective manager was being slow to answer emails (https://bit.ly/2s4t64D).
 
Responding in a timely manner shows that you are conscientious, organized, and dependable. But, of course, not every single email deserves a reply, Writing in The New York Times, organizational psychologist Adam Grant offers some guidelines to help prioritize:
 

• Feel free to ignore emails from strangers.

• The same goes for near-strangers repeatedly asking you to do something for them.

• Set boundaries and delay responding to after-hours work emails that are not emergencies. (Tweet it!)

• If you’re just hopelessly behind on your inbox, at least set up an auto-reply giving people another channel where they can reach you for time sensitive matters: a Slack channel, Twitter, or phone number.

 
“Whatever boundaries you choose,” writes Grant, “don’t abandon your inbox altogether. Not answering emails is like refusing to take phone calls in the 1990s or ignoring letters in the 1950s.”
 
How do you prioritize when you are inundated with emails? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Psychologists and neuroscientists have been studying eye contact for decades and their research reveals much about its power—for example that we make assumptions about other people based on how much they meet our eyes or look away when we are talking to them. Dr. Christian Jarrett, editor of the British Psychological Society's Research Digest blog, curated some of the most intriguing recent findings (https://bbc.in/2sfUsWL):

• Eye contact kicks off a raft of brain processes, and even looking at a portrait painting that appears to be making eye contact has been shown to trigger a swathe of brain activity related to social cognition – in regions involved in thinking about ourselves and others (https://bit.ly/2TPPyfq).
• We generally perceive people who make more eye contact to be more intelligent, more conscientious and, in Western cultures, more sincere. (Tweet it!) We also become more inclined to believe what they say (https://bit.ly/2tjJkc3).
• A recent study found that mutual gaze leads to a kind of partial melding of the self and other: we rate strangers with whom we’ve made eye contact as more similar to us (https://bit.ly/2RYnR22).

 
Of course, too much eye contact can make people uncomfortable – and individuals who stare without letting go can be unsettling. In one study, psychologists tried to establish the preferred length of eye contact. They concluded that, on average, it is three seconds long—and no one preferred gazes that lasted longer than nine seconds (https://bit.ly/2N4usXL).
 
Eye contact is multi-dimensional. When we gaze into another’s eyes, we are subliminally decoding messages from their eye muscles (which reveal emotion), the dilation of their pupils, and even the limbal rings (the circles that surround the irises). “When you look another person in the eye,” says Dr. Jarred, “just think: it is perhaps the closest you will come to ‘touching brains’ – or touching souls if you like to be more poetic about these things.”
 
Have you ever noticed that you respond differently to people who make eye contact versus those who habitually look away? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

New York Times columnist David Brooks thinks Americans desperately need to find ways to be “less beastly” to one another—especially when negotiating disagreements. He recently researched and compiled some advice to promote cordiality and, yes, even kindness. Among his tips that resonate with our body of work:
 

• Don’t meet around a problem. Problems are backward-looking and lead to assigning blame. Instead, have a possibility conversation. Discuss how you can use the assets you have to create something good together.

• Attune to the process. When you’re in the middle of an emotional disagreement, shift attention to the process of the conversation. In a neutral voice name the emotions people are feeling and the dynamics that are in play. Build trust by showing you’re aware of how you might be contributing to the problem.

• Agree on something. If you’re in the middle of an intractable disagreement, find some small, preliminary thing you can agree on so you can at least take a step into a world of shared reality. (Tweet it!)
• Gratitude. Scan the scene for something for which you can thank somebody.
• Never threaten autonomy. If you give people an order — “Calm down” or “Be reasonable” — all they hear is that you’re threatening their freedom of expression, and they will shut down. Nobody ever grew up because someone screamed, “Grow up!”

What strategies do you use when negotiating in a contentious situation? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our  online learning programs. 

Being praised for a job well done can boost our brain with a feel-good surge and help us accomplish more (https://bit.ly/2DsinLa). But for many of us, accepting a compliment can feel awkward.
 
Research shows that we tend to dwell on failures more than compliments (https://bit.ly/2BVmxIk). Perhaps there is survival value in this, says Dr Kristin Neff, an educational psychologist at the University of Texas, Austin. According to Dr. Neff, “ancestors who were negative worrywarts were more likely to survive.” Compounding our squeamishness in the face of compliments is: 1) we don't want to seem like we’re egotistical or arrogant; and 2) our skills may come so naturally to us that we underestimate their value. (Tweet it!)
 
But compliments can be rich sources of information, giving us valuable feedback, and they have the capacity to create stronger relationships. So how can we accept complements graciously? Keep it short and positive with no self-deprecating comments. Try responses like: “Thank you, I’m glad you said that,” or “I appreciate your noticing,” or “Thanks for letting me know.” If you’re still afraid of looking swellheaded, or if you’re genuinely interested in more input, ask a follow-up question to show you value the compliment giver’s opinion and acknowledge there’s always room for improvement (https://nyti.ms/2rwoWnb),
 
How did you respond the last time someone paid you a compliment?  Did you try to deflect it, or did you accept it? Were you successful, and how did you do it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our  online learning programs. 

This New Year, consider making a resolution to practice 12 months of conscious, healthy communication. Most people navigate through important moments of communication on automatic pilot, reacting from emotion rather than intention (Tweet it!). But we can transform our relationships by getting off autopilot and being proactive with positive communication.

As communication researchers and partners in work and marriage for decades, we’ve experienced both the joy and challenge of personal and business communication and we’ve found some simple steps to resolving conflict and building trust in relationships:

• Listen when your impulse is to argue
• Edit accusations that might make someone feel put down, and instead describe your feelings.
• If you have a grievance, pinpoint details with specific examples.
• Acknowledge your role in any problem
• Reach explicit, collaborative solutions that specify what each person will do differently in the future.

Confronting issues is never an easy matter, but avoidance can be hazardous not just to our relationships, but also to our own health.

Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, communicative 2019!

We want to hear. Do you have a New Year’s resolution that could lead to stronger communication? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Saying “thank you” is the ultimate win/win. Research shows that expressing gratitude increases feelings of personal well-being. (Tweet it!) As Americans approach our official day of giving thanks, perhaps all of us can take a moment to consider how we might make gratitude an ongoing part of our lives.

If you are looking for someone to practice your “thank you” on, start close to home. John Gottman, Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute of Seattle says: “Masters of relationships have a habit of scanning the world for things they can thank their partner for. People whose relationships go down the tubes scan the world for their partner’s mistakes.”

What happened when you upped the level of thanks you expressed to people around you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.

 With holiday dinners around the corner, many are dreading conversations about loaded—possibly political—topics. At times avoidance is the best policy, and perhaps you can just let someone else sit next to Uncle Ned or Aunt Matilda. But, if the relationship is such that you really want to have a calm and respectful exchange of ideas, Eben Weitzman, graduate program director of conflict resolution at University of Massachusetts Boston, has some advice (https://bit.ly/2RmFuJG). “If what you want to do is get to a mutual understanding, really inquire to understand,” he says. “Listen with interest, and without judgment.”

Some things you could say:

• Can you tell me more?
• What makes this important to you?
• What led you to feel this way?

Some things you should definitely not say:

• How could you ever think that would work?
• Don’t you realize that...
• You clearly haven’t thought this through…

If things get heated despite your best efforts, take a break. Withdraw for a while, until your adrenaline stops pumping. Deep listening is the only way out of deep conflict. And listening is too often the first casualty during contentious conversations. (Tweet it!) So, try listening until you can tell their story better than they did.

What holiday conversation are you dreading and how do you plan to handle it? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Studies show that high-quality friendships provide positive health benefits, including lower incidences of chronic illnesses, higher levels of happiness and lower mortality rates (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Strong social support networks can also be a hedge against stress, depression and anxiety, say researchers (https://bit.ly/2PBqFle). Many of us are reflecting fondly on old friendships and wondering if they can be revived. (Tweet it!) In our electronic world, friends are often just a click, a text, or an email away—but what’s the best way to reach out, if at all?
 
Writing in The New York Times, Anna Goldfarb consulted with experts, who offered these tips:
 

• Take Inventory – Ask yourself why the friendship ended (was it a falling out or just a fading away?) and what bonded you in the past.
• Manage Expectations – Things change for everyone. Don't overwhelm a long-lost pal with prying questions. Let them disclose at their own comfort level.
• State Your Purpose – Be honest about your reasons for reaching out.
• Test the Waters – Start with small, low stakes gestures. Maybe congratulate them on a milestone. This can set the stage for more meaningful conversations.
• Go Slow – Make sure you're on solid ground before introducing (or reintroducing) your spouse, kids or others of significance.

 
Finally, be prepared for all outcomes. It takes two to keep a relationship going, so the goal of renewal has to work for you both.
 
Have you ever reached out to an old friend? How did you initiate and what was the outcome? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

Many people want to be able to converse well at parties, networking events, and interviews. In a recent New York Times “Smarter Living” column (https://nyti.ms/2xmb9mj), Tim Herrera compiled the following tips:

• Stick to Acceptable Topics: Pop culture, sports, weather, and current shared experiences tend to be safest. Debra Fine author of The Fine Art of Small Talk adds another basic rule: “Don’t ask a question that could embarrass someone: ‘Is your boyfriend here?’ ‘Did you get into that M.B.A. program?’”
• Engage, don’t entertain: People think you’re a brilliant conversationalist when you ask about them rather than go on about yourself. (Researchers from the psychology department at Harvard found that talking about yourself triggers the same pleasure sensation in the brain as food. People would forgo money in order to talk about themselves.)
• Think of each conversation as a pie: Don't take more than your piece. In a two-person conversation, that means half, in a four-person, just one quarter.

 
Finally, we’d like to add a guideline that Justin Jones- Fosu recommends. Before you start talking about yourself, ask your conversation partner three follow up questions. Chances are they’ll think you’re the smartest person in the room!
 
Do you consider yourself a good conversationalist? What are your secrets? (Tweet it!) To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

The art of translation is something we don't think about much—until something goes wrong. (Tweet it!) But history abounds with consequential mistranslations—“erroneous, intentional or simply misunderstood”—says Mark Polizzotti, author of Sympathy for the Traitor: A Translation Manifesto. (https://nyti.ms/2Ltlztr).

Nikita Khrushchev’s infamous 1956 statement—“We will bury you”—ushered in one of the Cold War’s most perilous periods. But it turns out the Soviet’s actual declaration was “We will outlast you.” And the response of Kantaro Suzuki, prime minister of Japan, to an Allied ultimatum in July 1945—days before Hiroshima—was conveyed to Harry Truman as “silent contempt” (“mokusatsu”), when it was actually intended as “No comment. We need more time.” Japan was not given more time.

Myriad examples go back through antiquity. But lately, the perils of potential mistranslation have taken on renewed urgency. Free-form tweets in one’s native idiom instantly reach a global audience. But the nature of tweets, with their fractured syntax and frequent idioms, can lend themselves to misinterpretation.

Careful and thorough reading of translated material can literally make the difference between war and peace. If we are aiming for a global audience, we must consider the difficulties that hastily crafted communications may pose to foreigners. Likewise, we must try to ensure that the translations we read and hear are accurate.

Have you ever been misled by a poor or incomplete translation? What were the consequences? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

People like getting thank you notes. So why do so few of us send them? (Tweet it!) According to Amit Kumar, a professor at the University of Texas at Austin who studies well-being, it’s because people underestimate the appeal of receiving an appreciative email. In a study conducted by Kumar and Professor Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago (https://nyti.ms/2zZyRIE), researchers found that people also fear that the note may appear insincere and might make the recipient feel uncomfortable.

In the study, over 100 participants in each of four experiments were asked to write a short “gratitude letter” to someone who’d affected them in some way. Sample letters included expressions of thanks to friends who offered guidance through the college admissions process, job searches and other stressful times. After receiving thank-you notes and filling out questionnaires about how it felt to get them, many said they were “ecstatic,” scoring their happiness rating at 4 of 5. The senders typically guessed they’d evoke a 3.

Dr. Kumar observed that it took most subjects less than five minutes to write the letters. So, what are people waiting for? Along with underestimating the value of sending such notes to others, many seemed to be concerned with how much their writing would be scrutinized. As it turned out, most recipients didn’t care how the notes were phrased; they cared about warmth. And they also tended to judge the writing itself as very competent.
 
In all, says Dr. Kumar, “People tend to undervalue the positive effect they can have on others for a tiny investment of time.”
 
When is the last time you sent a thank you note, and what was the response? When was the last time you received one, and how did it make you feel? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Aaarrgghhh! Sometimes you just want to rant, right? Everyone needs to blow off steam at times. (Tweet it!) Writing in The New York Times, Carl Richards, author of the book The Behavior Gap, suggests that ranting can be a good thing…”But only if you do it right. If you do it wrong, the consequences can cost you your job, your friendships or even your marriage (https://nyti.ms/2kfHQuH).

To rant productively, says Richards, follow four guidelines:

1. Do. Not. Send: If you have the slightest doubt about emailing or posting a written rant, don’t. Just writing is cathartic.
2. Find A Friend: Instead of ranting to the person you’re frustrated with (or to the whole world), rant to someone you trust. (And if you want to rant about a co-worker, don’t do it to another co-worker. Your rant witness should be completely detached from the subject.)
3. Not in public. Grab your friend and go somewhere quiet. Nobody is at their best when ranting. Why put that on display?
4. Don’t expect a rant to fix things. Your rant will not change the issue or the person you are frustrated with. Think of ranting as something you do with the purpose of changing yourself. Get it all out. Once you purge, you can start thinking about next steps.

So, here’s our own addition:
​         Draft a conscious conversation. After your rant has cleared your head and emotions, begin to consciously consider how to raise the issue with the subject of your rant. Or, if you decide that it was as much about you as that person, put it away and move on.

What’s the last thing you ranted about, and how, where, and with whom did you do it? Did it help to get it off your chest? Did you follow up with the person who upset you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Why do most people quit their jobs? More than any other reason—more so than not liking their jobs or even not liking their bosses—it’s because they feel unappreciated. (Tweet it!)
 
According to a study by Accenture, cited by Forbes (https://bit.ly/2M0iwES), 43 percent of employees cite lack of recognition as their key reason for heading for the door. As Forbes contributor Alan Hall writes, “When your employees say to themselves and others, ‘Where’s the love?’ you’ve got a problem.”
 
We’ve spoken for decades about the positive power of appreciation. Telling people when their efforts have made a difference, and giving them the kudos they deserve is a powerful motivator. But beyond this, not doing so is a powerful deterrent to job satisfaction. Bottom line: You simply cannot overestimate the power of genuine and timely praise, recognition and gratitude.
 
Have you ever quit a job or been tempted to do so because you felt under-appreciated? How do you make those around you feel appreciated? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

It can be hard to say no, both because we want to accommodate people and also because we are sometimes insecure about standing up for our own priorities. (Tweet it!) Consequently, we can end up taking on too much, and perhaps avoiding people we fear will ask us to do more.

But Chikodi Chima, a former VentureBeat staff reporter who helps startups with their public relations and marketing, contends that saying no is saying yes to freedom. “Having the confidence and foresight to say no makes you stand out.  When you have clear goals, it’s easier to say no.” (https://bit.ly/2IiB6dX) Chima quotes Steve Jobs as an example of someone who used the power of “no” wisely. “I’m actually as proud of the things we haven’t done as the things we have done,” Jobs said at the 1997 Worldwide Developers Conference. “Innovation is saying no to 1,000 things.” 

Sure, we want to be liked and we don't want to offend. But in the end, don’t we also want to do what we truly believe in? If so, then “no” is one of they keys to success, says Chima. “The more clear our goals become, the easier and more powerful each no becomes. Saying ‘no’ takes practice, and it may backfire, but to me it’s the ultimate sign of maturity.”
 
When was the last time you said no to someone else so you could pursue what mattered more to you? How did that experience turn out? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion