Are You Someone People Want to Talk To?

Are you able to have productive conversations with irritable, defensive people or those who profoundly disagree with you? Since this is an incredibly valuable skill for any leader to master, there’s plenty of advice out there. But remembering those tips is hard in the middle of a potentially volatile discussion. 

To assist in such situations, Harvard conflict management expert Julia Minson offers a simple mnemonic device. Next time you find yourself in a challenging, uncomfortable conversation, remember the acronym H.E.A.R. 

• Hedge your claims.  Don’t assume you are one hundred percent right.  "Even when you feel very certain about your beliefs," Minson says, "it signals a recognition that there are some people who might support your opponent's perspective." 
• Emphasize agreement. Find common ground even when you disagree on many details. You don’t need to cave in or back down, but do seek out some broad concepts or values to agree on.
• Acknowledge the opposing perspective. Before pursuing your own argument, devote half a minute to restating the other person's position to demonstrate that you heard and understood what they said.
• Reframe to the positive. Avoid negative and contradictory words, like “no/won't/ impossible” while simultaneously increasing positive words: “makes sense/hadn’t thought of that.”

No acronym is a cure-all. Still, research shows that learning and deploying the H.E.A.R. approach is worth the effort, if you want to be a person that people want to talk to.

Which of the H.E.A.R principles have you used lately? Did it defuse a touchy interaction? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

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