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Accepting Negative Feedback

4/30/2019

2 Comments

 
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We all enjoy positive feedback, but negative feedback…not so much. Still, as we have long said, negative feedback is an incredibly valuable way to learn when we are doing things where our intention and impact don't match up. (Tweet it!) Nevertheless, we may reflexively become defensive when we get feedback that doesn’t jive with the story we tell ourselves.
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Writing in The Harvard Business Review, executive coach Peter Bregman, author of Leading With Emotional Courage, listed some of the most common things we say, or think, to defend against feedback that threatens the way we see ourselves. Among them:
  •  “Yes, that’s true but it’s not my fault.” (Playing the victim)
  • “I don't do that.” (Denying)
  • “There are lots of examples of me acting differently.” (Countering)
  • “I may have done this, but you did that.” (Attacking)
  • “That’s not the real issue.” (Deflecting)
“If you ever notice yourself saying, or thinking, any of the above, it’s a clear sign that your ego is getting in the way of an important learning,” says Bregman. As a simple, reliable, default response, he suggests, “I really appreciate you taking the time and the effort to tell me. Thank you.” This lets people know it is safe to give you feedback, and makes them more likely to talk to you rather than to talk about you to others.

How did you respond the last time someone gave you negative feedback? Do you wish you had done anything differently? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

2 Comments
Baida
4/30/2019 10:17:03 pm

I am guilty of the attacking response especially when the person giving me feedback does similar or worse things. I think I would accept it more from a person that doesnt do these things

Reply
Peter
5/1/2019 01:27:28 pm

So understandable Baida. It is always easier to respond to criticism when it comes from someone we respect and when it’s delivered in a helpful manner. Unfortunately, this is often not the case. Here is why it’s worth the effort. First, if you prove to your critic that you really hear them, the odds are excellent that they’ll listen well when it’s your turn to speak. Second, the best time to turn around a relationship going sour, is when they criticize you. They are expecting the worst and if you give them your best, that relationship can go from zero to 80 in 15 minutes. Your best means you’re curious, you prove you get it through deep listening, and you discover opportunities to agree. Thanks for you contribution,

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