In business, some wins are easy to spot—the big sale, the client-winning presentation. But many people work tirelessly behind the scenes to chalk up invaluable but less obvious wins. Thanking the employees who solved an IT glitch in time for that big presentation to take place, or the accountant whose number crunching enabled the terms of the big sale is just as important as acknowledging your “stars.” (Tweet it!)

Speaking to Inc, magazine, Tom Turner, CEO of Bitsight, shared four ways to uncover and recognize invisible wins:

1. Ask questions. Ask managers which members of their teams have been impressing them lately―particularly with small, day-to-day victories that would otherwise go unnoticed. Keep an ear peeled for anecdotes.
2. Be engaged. Try walking around the office and drop in on different meetings. Get a sense of the various teams and find out who is working on what projects, both big and small.
3. Encourage recognition. Create processes that allow everyone in the company to acknowledge wins of all types. Encourage people to write anonymous note cards recognizing others who have recently helped them.
4. Acknowledge publicly. Wins big and small deserve to be recognized beyond one-on-one meetings and within individual teams. Salute these individual contributors in a company-wide email or at a regular all-staff meeting.

Acknowledging subtle wins as well as obvious ones is a way to build morale and commitment across an entire company’s culture.
 
Can you think of an invisible win your organization recently scored? What did you do, or what can you do, to thank the people responsible? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  

We all enjoy positive feedback, but negative feedback…not so much. Still, as we have long said, negative feedback is an incredibly valuable way to learn when we are doing things where our intention and impact don't match up. (Tweet it!) Nevertheless, we may reflexively become defensive when we get feedback that doesn’t jive with the story we tell ourselves.
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Writing in The Harvard Business Review, executive coach Peter Bregman, author of Leading With Emotional Courage, listed some of the most common things we say, or think, to defend against feedback that threatens the way we see ourselves. Among them:

•  “Yes, that’s true but it’s not my fault.” (Playing the victim)
• “I don't do that.” (Denying)
• “There are lots of examples of me acting differently.” (Countering)
• “I may have done this, but you did that.” (Attacking)
• “That’s not the real issue.” (Deflecting)

“If you ever notice yourself saying, or thinking, any of the above, it’s a clear sign that your ego is getting in the way of an important learning,” says Bregman. As a simple, reliable, default response, he suggests, “I really appreciate you taking the time and the effort to tell me. Thank you.” This lets people know it is safe to give you feedback, and makes them more likely to talk to you rather than to talk about you to others.

How did you respond the last time someone gave you negative feedback? Do you wish you had done anything differently? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Perhaps the only thing more stressful than being a teen—facing high stakes academics, social media pressures, peer competition, and more—is being the parent of one. Meltdowns can be common – even for the most well-meaning parents. (Tweet it!)
 
Writing in The New York Times, Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and author of Untangled: Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, shared a technique she learned while chatting with the counseling team at a Dallas girls’ school.
 
A counselor showed Damour a clear jam jar. Its lid was glued on and it was filled with water plus a layer of sparkling purple glitter on the bottom. “When a girl falls apart in my office, I do this,” she said, while shaking the jar fiercely, like an airport snow globe…”After that I say to her, ‘Honey, this is your brain right now. So first … let’s settle your glitter.’”
 
Damour calls this “an elegant model of the neurology of the distressed teenager.” Early in adolescence, the brain begins upgrading itself to become more powerful and efficient. “The primitive regions, which are just above the back of the neck and house the emotion centers, are upgraded first — starting as early as age 10. The more sophisticated regions, located behind the forehead and giving us our ability to reason and maintain perspective, are redone last and may not reach full maturity until age 25.” During this process, young people, when upset, can be overcome, crashing the entire system until it has a chance to reboot.
 
Damour has enthusiastically recommended glitter jars to several parents and colleagues, knowing that some teenagers will instantly benefit from having a concrete model of emotional distress. Even more important, she says, she has “come to appreciate that a glitter jar’s main utility is in the instructions it provides to those who are caring for the overwrought: Be patient and communicate your confidence that emotions almost always rise, swirl, and settle all by themselves.”
 
Have you parented a teen, or known one well? If so, what do you think of the glitter jar approach? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

When you want to disagree with an opinion, voice a new idea, or perhaps question a current practice, speaking up can be intimidating. (Tweet it!) In fact, research suggests that most people tend to not act in such situations, and then rationalize their inaction. But we cannot really be diligent employees, thoughtful colleagues, or empathic leaders if we deny our own voices. So, what can we do?
 


Writing in The Harvard Business Review Columbia University’s Heidi Grant, a social psychologist and author of Reinforcements: How to Get People to Help You, offers these strategies:
 

• Recognize the psychological difficulty of speaking up: Your worthwhile plan will go a bit easier if you acknowledge it won't be easy.
• Try to lessen the social threat that speaking up creates: Especially when you’re communicating up the chain of command, make it clear you are providing feedback on impact, rather than on intent.
• Make a plan: Even though you won’t be able to predict the specific outcomes of every scenario, creating a plan for how to speak up can significantly increase the likelihood that you will do so when the moment presents itself, and that success will be more likely.

 
Can you offer an example of a time when your speaking up had a positive impact? How did you ready yourself to do so? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Knowing the right thing to say to a friend or coworker who has experienced a personal loss doesn’t come easily. It’s a skill we’re not taught, as many societies generally avoid talking about death and grieving. And the less experience we’ve had with these situations, the less obvious it is whether we’re helping or hurting.
In a recent New York Times “Crowdwise” column, David Pogue offers the following pointers, “brought to you by people who’ve been on the receiving end”:

• Don’t talk about how someone’s loss affects you (”I could never handle what you're going through.”)
• Don't talk about the “bright side” (“At least she didn’t suffer.”)
• Offering your beliefs about God and heaven to a nonreligious person who doesn’t share your beliefs can backfire.
• Don’t tell a grieving person how to feel; whatever they are feeling is okay and they have a right to their emotions.

 
What should you say instead? “I wish I had the right words;” “I know how much you loved her;” or, simply, “I’m so sorry” are appropriate. If you knew the person well, telling the mourner a story about their loved one can be a great gift—especially at a time when they thought there would be no more stories. (Tweet it!)
 
If you have experienced a personal loss, what expressions of empathy meant the most to you and why? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Overwhelmed by email? Join the club. One recent survey suggested the average American’s inbox has 199 unread messages (https://bit.ly/2XBZNpW). But ignoring email from co-workers communicates that their priorities are unimportant to you.





And when researchers compiled a huge database of the digital habits of teams at Microsoft, they found that the clearest warning sign of an ineffective manager was being slow to answer emails (https://bit.ly/2s4t64D).
 
Responding in a timely manner shows that you are conscientious, organized, and dependable. But, of course, not every single email deserves a reply, Writing in The New York Times, organizational psychologist Adam Grant offers some guidelines to help prioritize:
 

• Feel free to ignore emails from strangers.

• The same goes for near-strangers repeatedly asking you to do something for them.

• Set boundaries and delay responding to after-hours work emails that are not emergencies. (Tweet it!)

• If you’re just hopelessly behind on your inbox, at least set up an auto-reply giving people another channel where they can reach you for time sensitive matters: a Slack channel, Twitter, or phone number.

 
“Whatever boundaries you choose,” writes Grant, “don’t abandon your inbox altogether. Not answering emails is like refusing to take phone calls in the 1990s or ignoring letters in the 1950s.”
 
How do you prioritize when you are inundated with emails? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Psychologists and neuroscientists have been studying eye contact for decades and their research reveals much about its power—for example that we make assumptions about other people based on how much they meet our eyes or look away when we are talking to them. Dr. Christian Jarrett, editor of the British Psychological Society's Research Digest blog, curated some of the most intriguing recent findings (https://bbc.in/2sfUsWL):

• Eye contact kicks off a raft of brain processes, and even looking at a portrait painting that appears to be making eye contact has been shown to trigger a swathe of brain activity related to social cognition – in regions involved in thinking about ourselves and others (https://bit.ly/2TPPyfq).
• We generally perceive people who make more eye contact to be more intelligent, more conscientious and, in Western cultures, more sincere. (Tweet it!) We also become more inclined to believe what they say (https://bit.ly/2tjJkc3).
• A recent study found that mutual gaze leads to a kind of partial melding of the self and other: we rate strangers with whom we’ve made eye contact as more similar to us (https://bit.ly/2RYnR22).

 
Of course, too much eye contact can make people uncomfortable – and individuals who stare without letting go can be unsettling. In one study, psychologists tried to establish the preferred length of eye contact. They concluded that, on average, it is three seconds long—and no one preferred gazes that lasted longer than nine seconds (https://bit.ly/2N4usXL).
 
Eye contact is multi-dimensional. When we gaze into another’s eyes, we are subliminally decoding messages from their eye muscles (which reveal emotion), the dilation of their pupils, and even the limbal rings (the circles that surround the irises). “When you look another person in the eye,” says Dr. Jarred, “just think: it is perhaps the closest you will come to ‘touching brains’ – or touching souls if you like to be more poetic about these things.”
 
Have you ever noticed that you respond differently to people who make eye contact versus those who habitually look away? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

New York Times columnist David Brooks thinks Americans desperately need to find ways to be “less beastly” to one another—especially when negotiating disagreements. He recently researched and compiled some advice to promote cordiality and, yes, even kindness. Among his tips that resonate with our body of work:
 

• Don’t meet around a problem. Problems are backward-looking and lead to assigning blame. Instead, have a possibility conversation. Discuss how you can use the assets you have to create something good together.

• Attune to the process. When you’re in the middle of an emotional disagreement, shift attention to the process of the conversation. In a neutral voice name the emotions people are feeling and the dynamics that are in play. Build trust by showing you’re aware of how you might be contributing to the problem.

• Agree on something. If you’re in the middle of an intractable disagreement, find some small, preliminary thing you can agree on so you can at least take a step into a world of shared reality. (Tweet it!)
• Gratitude. Scan the scene for something for which you can thank somebody.
• Never threaten autonomy. If you give people an order — “Calm down” or “Be reasonable” — all they hear is that you’re threatening their freedom of expression, and they will shut down. Nobody ever grew up because someone screamed, “Grow up!”

What strategies do you use when negotiating in a contentious situation? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our  online learning programs. 

Participating in a panel discussion can be stressful: Speakers must be concise and careful of interrupting or overlapping, all while effectively communicating their point of view. Moderating such a discussion can be even trickier. Moderators must impose order on a group of strangers and organize disparate perspectives into a coherent conversation.

Writing in The Harvard Business Review, professional speaker, author and Duke University business professor Dorie Clark, offers four strategies for promoting a meaningful exchange.

1. Prepare your panelists: No one should fly blind. Consider a pre-event conference call or solicit their thoughts on the topic via email. Consider sharing key questions you will pose.
2. Work for the audience: Cut off verbose panelists while allowing them to save face. You can capture their attention by simultaneously making a hand gesture and breaking in verbally, using a positive statement like, “That’s an interesting point, Joe, and I’d love to hear the others respond.”
3. Follow the flow of dialogue: Certainly, all panelists should get a chance, but “fair” doesn’t always mean “equal.” Address questions to the panelist with the most expertise in that area, rather than letting everyone go “in turn.” (Tweet it!)
4. Follow up: When panelists say something interesting, or confusing, jump in with a “Tell me more,” or “What do you mean by that?” This enables the conversation to go deeper.

All in all, stay active and alert. It is your job to choreograph a positive experience. Don’t sit back and assume things will take care of themselves.

Have you ever moderated a panel discussion, and what are your caveats to those doing it for the first time? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Although companies benefit when employees speak up, many employees are reluctant to offer suggestions, opinions, or concerns. Two theories attempt to explain why: The personality perspective attributes this reticence to shyness and introversion; the situational perspective ascribes it to environments that discourage speaking truth to power.
 
The two are not mutually exclusive, but Subra Tangirala, Dean’s Professor of Management and Organization at the University of Maryland, and Hemant Kakkar, a PhD candidate in Organizational Behavior at the London Business School, wanted to test which one mattered more (https://bit.ly/2E4HDVN).
 
The researchers surveyed 291 employees and their supervisors (from 35 teams overall) from a manufacturing plant, and from their data concluded that “both personality and environment had a significant effect on employee’s tendency to speak up with ideas or concerns.” But they also found that strong environmental norms could override the influence of personality on employees’ willingness to speak up at work. Even if someone was quite shy, they spoke up when they thought it was strongly expected of them. (Tweet it!)
 
Say the authors, “This finding suggests that if you want employees to speak up, the work environment and the team’s social norms matter. Even people who are most inclined to raise ideas and suggestions may not do so if they fear being put down or penalized. On the flip side, encouraging and rewarding speaking up can help more people do so, even if their personality makes them more risk-averse.”
 
Do you feel your organization’s culture promotes or discourages employees from speaking up? What specific work environment practices contribute to this culture? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. 

Our fear of failing can be a catalyst for inaction. Writing in the Harvard Business Review Susan Peppercorn, author of Ditch Your Inner Critic at Work, offers these strategies for overcoming self-doubt and recrimination in order to move on:
 




Redefine failure: “By framing a situation you’re dreading differently before you attempt it, you may be able to avoid some stress and anxiety,” she counsels.  If we define failure as anything short of perfection, we are undermining ourselves. This is how perfect becomes the enemy of good. So, consider what would be an acceptable if not perfect outcome.
 
Set approach goals (not avoidance goals): With approach goals, we are motivated by wanting to achieve a positive outcome; with avoidance goals we just want to avoid an adverse one. Says Peppercorn, “While developing an avoidance goal is a common response to a perceived failure, it’s important to keep in mind the costs of doing so. Research has shown that employees who take on an avoidance focus become twice as mentally fatigued as approach-focused colleagues.”  (https://bit.ly/2DgEpym)
 
Focus on learning: Things don't always work out the way we hope, but if we accept that we extract the most value out of any experience, no matter the outcome, it is the learning that boosts us even when the outcome doesn’t. (Tweet it!)
 
Has a perceived failure at work ever made you reluctant to step into a similar situation or set new goals? How did you break out of your resistance? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.