 Whenever we ask people to share stories about stressful family encounters at the holidays, we are amazed at the outpouring of fraught memories. But reliving the conflicts of holidays past won’t help us deal with the present. This season try something new. When Uncle Joe or Aunt Blanche blurts out an unwelcome opinion or a political jab, resist the temptation to engage in point/counterpoint. This quickly devolves into a situation where everyone feels the only way to “win” is to get louder and LOUDER!
Instead, ask for more information about your relative’s point of view—and actually listen to that information. (Do this even if the point of view they are sharing is a direct criticism of you.) Only true listening can provide you the information you need to have influence. And it is only when your “adversary” feels heard that they will even begin to consider another point of view. (Tweet it!) Additionally:
Be realistic: You are not going to achieve perfect harmony with everyone at the dinner table. But with a little resolve you can certainly improve your batting average. And with the current political landscape, every bit helps. Happy holidays! If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.
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 Humility: The ability to accurately acknowledge one’s limitations and to assume an interpersonal stance that is other-oriented rather than self-focused. Though this trait might be in short supply these days, social and personality psychologists interested in positive psychology are increasingly researching it, according to The New York Times.
Humility, it turns out, is highly correlated with other positive traits. In one series of experiments, Elizabeth Krumrei Mancuso of Pepperdine University scored volunteers on a measure of “intellectual humility” — awareness of the incompleteness and potential fallibility of their views on political and social issues. This type of humility was strongly linked to curiosity, reflection, and open-mindedness. Other research has found that people who score high for humility are less aggressive and less judgmental toward members of other religious groups than less humble people. And humility researcher Dr. Krumrei Mancuso contends that humble people are apt to hold onto their convictions and are less easily manipulated. With humility attracting so much attention, some wonder whether it can be taught. The conundrum is that those most open to learning this trait probably need it least. Meanwhile, the good news is that between 10 and 15 percent of adults score highly on measures of humility, depending on the rating scale. “That’s at least 25 million humble people in the USA alone,” notes Benedict Carey of The New York Times. Do you believe you are one of the 10 – 15 percent of adults capable of being humble? How does this trait influence your perspective and your relationships with others? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  According to a study by the Boston Consulting Group (BCG), 85% of companies have undertaken a transformation during the past decade. The same research found nearly 75% of those transformations did not improve business performance in the short or long term.
Tony Schwartz, president and CEO of The Energy Project and author of The Way We’re Working Isn't Working, attributes this unimpressive success rate to a natural human tendency: the resistance to change. Writing in the Harvard Business Review, he says, “Transforming a business also depends on transforming individuals — beginning with the most senior leaders and influencers. Few of them have spent much time observing and understanding their own motivations, challenging their assumptions, or pushing beyond their intellectual and emotional comfort zones.” (Tweet it!) In short, organizational transformation is likely to stall when people slip back into old behavioral patterns, despite their best intentions to start anew. To counter this mindset, Schwartz and his associates pose a series of provocative questions for leaders and their teams to ask themselves:
Sound strategy can spur transformation, Schwartz contends, but not without “continuously addressing the invisible reasons that people and cultures so often resist changing…” Do you ever find yourself backsliding into old behaviors at work, despite a desire to change? How do you counter this tendency? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  We’ve long maintained that how you say what you say is critical in your ability to persuade. Now new research from The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that one specific way to be more influential is by speaking slightly louder than you normally would, and by varying the overall volume of your voice (speaking both more loudly and softly, in turn). Tweet it!
“Every time we interact with someone, we’re trying to figure out how much they know about what they’re saying, how knowledgeable they are, how confident they seem,” said Jonah Berger, an associate professor of marketing at Wharton and a co-author of this study. “We found that the cues related to speaking volume made speakers seem more confident, which made them more persuasive overall.” In our conversations, we think a lot about language, and a lot less about paralanguage — the means of delivery of our message. But whether we think about it or not, its effects are salient. So, the next time you debate whether to send an email or make a call consider this: Simply hearing someone’s voice can make their message more influential. Are you conscious of how you use your voice when you try to persuade? Do you deliberately change the volume of your voice in order to influence? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  Saying “thank you” is the ultimate win/win. Research shows that expressing gratitude increases feelings of personal well-being. As Americans approach our official day of giving thanks, perhaps all of us can take a moment to consider how we might make gratitude an ongoing part of our lives.
If you are looking for someone to practice your “thank you” on, start close to home. John Gottman, Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute of Seattle says: “Masters of relationships have a habit of scanning the world for things they can thank their partner for. People whose relationships go down the tubes scan the world for their partner’s mistakes.” (Tweet it!) What happened when you upped the level of thanks you expressed to people around you? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  With events like the 2020 election looming, we may all be wondering if it is possible any longer to have civilized disagreements.
Creating a sense of psychological safety is essential to productive conversation. Peter Boghossian, assistant professor of philosophy at Portland State University, and writer and researcher James Lindsay, authors of How to Have Impossible Conversations, offer three tips for disagreeing skillfully:
Do your disagreements tend to find common ground…or not? What happens when you try one or more of these techniques? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  Do you enjoy casual bonds with people at your gym, with other parents at your kids’ soccer games, or perhaps with your mail carrier or dental hygienist? Sociologist Mark Granovetter calls these low-stakes relationships “weak” ties, and research by Granovetter and others shows they can have a positive impact on our well-being. They help us feel more connected to other social groups and our community at large, causing us to feel less lonely and more empathic. The mini-network aspect of casual ties can also lead to useful recommendations that help simplify our lives (as in, “Hey do you know a good hair stylist or dry cleaner?”)
In short, the more casual ties we have, the happier we are. But some of us don't make the small investment necessary to cultivate such ties. “A lot of us think it’s not worth our time to have those kinds of interactions, that they can’t possibly provide any meaning,” says Dr. Gillian Sandstrom, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of Essex. “We’re focused on whatever is next and we don’t stop and take that second to enjoy the moment.” Taking a few minutes to engage with people we see regularly at places we frequent will increase life satisfaction. So, give yourself permission to talk to familiar faces, and manage your expectations. If you expect the conversation to be enjoyable, it probably will be. (Tweet it!) Would you say you have numerous casual ties in your community? In what ways do you find they enhance your life? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  “In the future, there will be two kinds of people in the world: Those who let their attention and lives be controlled and coerced by others, and those who proudly call themselves ‘indistractable.’”
(Tweet it!) So says Nir Eyal, an instructor at Stanford’s Graduate School of Business and author of Indistractable: How to Control Your Attention and Choose Your Life. According to Eyal, the best thing we can do to raise children of the second type is to teach them how to limit their screen time. Empowering kids with the autonomy to control their own time means helping them to learn to monitor their own behavior.
Do you limit your kids’ screen time, and how do you do so? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  “You don’t have to overcome your fear in order to be a good public speaker. It never goes away entirely. Instead, it’s about having less fear — think of it as being fear-less.” So say Mark Banchek, CEO of Shift Thinking, and Mandy Gonzales, a star of Hamilton on Broadway, writing in the Harvard Business Review. Both Gonzales and Banchek are used to facing audiences in high stakes situations but, even with all their experience, neither has ever found a way to purge all fear. However, they offer some tips on how to keep fear from getting in the way of delivering a first-rate performance:
Finally, it’s easier to be fear-less together. Find people who help you feel that way —and help each other to be prepared, real, vulnerable, present, and generous. (Tweet it!) What are your strategies for dealing with the natural anxieties that accompany public speaking? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  What makes a leader effective? To identify these traits, Dr. Susan Giles, an organizational scientist, executive coach, and leadership development consultant recently completed the first round of a study of 195 leaders in 15 countries over 30 global organizations. Participants were asked to choose the 15 most important leadership characteristics, and Giles grouped the top ones into five major themes:
While these traits may not surprise you, Giles points out that each can be difficult to master. It's not easy to delegate, to admit mistakes, to change course, to take risks, or, occasionally, to fail. But those who do so win trust, respect and loyalty—all invaluable commodities. (Tweet it!) What other traits of effective leaders do you think should be added to this list? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  Knowing how to do a job is important, but it’s critical to approach a new job with the right mindset. Many bosses assume the conversations they have during the hiring interview process are sufficient. However, Inc. columnist Jeff Haden says they aren’t.
Here are four things that, according to Haden, great bosses communicate on an employee's first day to make sure that person gets off to a strong and focused start:
In short, new employees need to know not only what they will do, but also why they will do it. How does your organization orient new employees? Are these messages successfully conveyed? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  Leaders want to be trusted by those they lead, but creating trust—or reestablishing lost trust—isn’t always straightforward. Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, respectively the CEO and president of Zenger/Folkman, a leadership development consultancy, examined data from the 360 assessments of 87,000 leaders, and identified three key pillars that often form the foundation for trust:
Which of these is most important? Zengler and Folkman also designed an experiment where they separated leaders into high and low levels on each of these three pillars and then measured the level of trust. Their analysis showed that, while highly trusted leaders are above average in all three areas, positive relationships had the most significant impact. People want their leaders to be able to generate cooperation, resolve conflict, give helpful feedback, and balance results with concern for others. (Tweet it!) Which of these three elements of trust do you consider yourself strongest in? Which do you value the most in your own leaders? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  Contemporary work environments inundate people with a relentless stream of texts, emails, meetings, video conferences, and other distractions. The onslaught of information can be overwhelming and counterproductive. For example, research led by Stanford University professor Clifford Nass concluded that distractions reduce the brain’s ability to filter out irrelevancy in its working memory.
There is no single solution to the complex problems of the information age. But one good place to start is solitude, says Mike Erwin, Assistant Professor in Leadership & Psychology at West Point and author of Lead Yourself First: Inspiring Leadership Through Solitude. Erwin and co-author Ray Ketledge define solitude as “a state of mind, a space in which to focus one’s own thoughts without distraction — and where the mind can work through a problem on its own.” They suggest building periods of solitude into your workday, even if for only 15 minutes at a time. “If we spend our entire workday sitting in meetings and answering emails, it leaves little space in our minds to do the hard thinking that is essential to good decision making and leadership.” (Tweet it!) They also suggest blocking time-sucking websites and social media sites during work hours, and creating a “stop doing” list (i.e. reflect on where your time is best spent, and decide which meetings you could skip, which committees you could step down from, and which invitations you might decline). Says Erwin, “Opportunities to focus are still all around us. But we must recognize them and believe that the benefit of focus, for yourself and the people you lead, is worth making it a priority in your life.” When was the last time you enjoyed some solitude? What were the effects? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  In many organizations, leadership readiness is measured in part by what people say in meetings. Allison Shapira, who teaches “The Arts of Communication” at the Harvard Kennedy School, contends that, “How we speak off the cuff can have a bigger impact on our career trajectory than our presentations or speeches, because every single day we have an opportunity to make an impact.” (Tweet it!)
Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Shapira offers three strategies for speaking up effectively:
But, warns Shapira, there are situations where speaking up is not the right course. Don't speak to show off, or if your comments would be better received in a one-on-one situation, or if you are trying to empower someone else on your team to contribute. Are you reluctant to speak up in meetings unless you are formally presenting? Have you tried any of these techniques? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs.  We know certain people seem personally magnetic. We say they are charismatic, yet charisma itself is hard to quantify. A recent New York Times article cites Olivia Fox Cabane, author of the book The Charisma Myth, who boils charismatic behavior down to three pillars.
If this sounds like a tough trifecta to cultivate, keep this in mind: “The most charismatic people you know on a personal level have generally achieved a high level of success in only one, or perhaps two, of these traits. A rare few, though, show a mastery of all three.” If you're looking for a starting point to cultivate charisma, John Antonakis, a professor of organizational behavior at the University of Lausanne in Switzerland, suggests storytelling. (Tweet it!) The most magnetic people in a room, he says, are those who use anecdotes and analogies, embellishing points with facial gestures, energetic body language and vocal inflections. There is nothing like a good story, well told, to keep people engaged. What traits do the most charismatic people you know share? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to learn more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our online learning programs. |
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