Apologies are in the air these days—but not like this one: Tennessee Titans quarterback (and former Oregon Duck!) Marcus Mariota recently gave a mea culpa that made headlines. In it, he apologized for the way he treated the media at his press conference.

“Real quick, I want to say I am sorry for the way I handled the press conference," Mariota said, via the team's official website. “…I was rude and inappropriate, and I just want to say I apologize for it… I got an earful from my mom. That's how I was raised and I appreciate you guys for understanding."

In the grand scheme of things, no one (other than Marcus’s mom) had deemed his prior behavior shocking. Upset after a loss, he had used the term “pissed off.” But Inc columnist Justin Bariso says this apology is noteworthy “because manners like this simply aren't as common as they used to be (http://on.inc.com/2FCXs4Y).”

Barios gave a shout out to Mariota for authenticity, for humility, and for demonstrating respect. We agree with his summation:  “True leadership requires that you practice what you preach and set the example: You can talk about respect and integrity until you're blue in the face, but it won't mean anything when you curse out a family member, friend, or colleague. By showing respect first, Mariota commands respect from others--his teammates, the media, his children, and pretty much everyone else.“  Long after we forget the winner of this year’s Super Bowl, many will remember Marcus Mariota and his act of emotional intelligence and accountability (Tweet it!).

When was the last time you witnessed an apology you found authentic and impactful? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Karen Huang, a Harvard PhD student, is studying the effects of asking questions in everyday conversation. Huang says some of her interest arose from personal observations: “I would meet someone for the first time, and I would…[ask] a lot of questions. And I noticed that the other person really enjoyed talking about themselves and responding to my questions, but I would also notice that they wouldn't really ask questions back,” she noted in an NPR interview.

Huang and colleagues wanted to test her hunch that people who don't ask questions appear less likable than those who ask many. So, they asked volunteers to get to know one another and then told them to either ask many questions or very few. The results showed that asking more questions increased how much the person was liked. In a separate study, the researchers looked at speed daters, analyzing the effect of posing questions to prospective partners. They found that the number of follow-up questions asked predicted a partner's willingness for a second date.
 
When we ask a question and someone responds, and then we listen and ask something related, we show attentiveness and engagement. It would seem natural that they find us likeable. But remember that while most people enjoy being asked questions, many do not ask questions themselves—and research shows most people are unaware that question asking makes then more likeable. Good news: Question-asking is a learnable skill! (Tweet it!)
 
Have you noticed that you tend to like people who ask you questions in conversation? Is asking questions something you tend to do? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

When you want to present in a clear and confident way, “the happy midpoint is to speak extemporaneously, knowing the structure and the content very well, but choosing the exact words in the moment,”
writes Dr. Ken Broda-Bahm in Persuasive Litigator. Practicing on your feet—perhaps in front of a test audience is, says Broad-Bahn, the best way to reach the happy medium between memorization and improvisation.
 
Producing is more active and more likely to stick, rather than passively reading content or editing notes and slides. Perhaps that is why even “covert rehearsal” (practicing in your imagination) enhances speaking performance. And a recent Canadian study—the first to focus on hearing your own voice—showed that even listening to yourself recorded can be effective (Tweet it!).
 
What techniques do you use to prepare for a presentation? Have you tried covert rehearsal, practicing aloud or listening to your recorded voice? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

In a time when so many in the workplace are being accused of disrespectful behavior, it is important for leaders to set the right tone, and model respectful communication (Tweet it!). And one of the most powerful ways to show respect is to listen…carefully and non-judgmentally.

New York Times “Corner Office” columnist Adam Bryant has interviewed a number of CEOs who subscribe to a practice known as MRI: the Most Respectful Interpretation. Robin Domeniconi, chief executive of the fashion company Thread Tales, told Bryant that “M.R.I.” was a cornerstone of her company culture. “I don’t need everyone to be best friends,” she said, “but I need to have a team with M.R.I.”

M.R.I. involves taking the time to hear what somebody is thinking— especially if their point of view contradicts your own—and taking the time to ask clarifying questions if something doesn’t make sense. Importantly, it allows us to give others the benefit of the doubt. Although uncomplicated, it confronts some of the main causes of organizational dysfunction: lack of communication and misperception.

How do you encourage your co-workers to feel heard, respected and understood? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

There is something behind the phrase “the voice of reason”, writes Amy Ellis Nutt in The Washington Post. According to a new study, the human voice is more persuasive than the written word.


The study, published in Psychological Science, asked 300 subjects to listen to or read arguments about controversial issues. Afterward, when those subjects were asked to judge the person who communicated the argument, those who listened via video or audio, were less dismissive than those who read a transcript – even if they disagreed with the content.

“When two people hold different beliefs, there is a tendency not only to focus on that difference of opinion but also to denigrate one's opposition,” the study's authors wrote. It turns out that vocal cues, absent in written communication, have the ability to create a more positive perception of an adversary.
 
The bottom line: Even though social media enables the written word, try to talk to people you wish to persuade. Use “the voice of reason” to your advantage (Tweet it!).
 
Do you find you are more easily persuadable by voice than text or email? Do you try to speak to those with whom you have a difference of opinion? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Hiring great people is the start to building a great team—but it’s hardly enough. Adam Bryant, who writes The New York Times column “Corner Office”, interviewed 525 chief executives about how they lead. Their pointers for keeping a team on top: Stress collaboration and communication.

• Create a clear and simple map: Build consensus on where you are going and how you will get there. Trouble begins when leaders list five, seven or ten priorities. As Jim Collins, author of the best-selling management book Good to Great, says: “If you have more than three priorities, you don’t have any.”
• Become a Broken Record: Remind your team of plans and priorities over and over. Marc Cenedella, chief executive of The Leaders.com, a job search site, says, “Until they start making jokes about how often you repeat it, they haven’t internalized it.”
• Acknowledge Team Culture: Team culture always happens, but too often it is not conscious or deliberate. Rather than take a laissez-faire approach, look for opportunities to set some shared guidelines for how to work together (Tweet it!). 
• Model Respectful Behavior: It is only when team members feel respected that they will bring their best selves and their best ideas to work.

What are your best practices for keeping a team motivated and productive? What caveats can you share? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Praise enhances performance, effort and engagement in the classroom and the workplace. But is your praise having the desired effect? Tom Finley, Assistant Editor of Edutopia, drawing on multiple studies of praise, says that encouraging words must be differentiated from “super-astonishing, spectacular hype”.


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If you want your praise to resonate:

• Be specific: Describe the observed behavior and make a positive remark. Avoid generic (“good job”) phrases (Tweet it!)
• Be proportional: Inflated compliments and hyperbole can actually lower self-esteem.
• Be customized: Everyone needs praise, but they don't all prefer the same kind. For example, some people appreciate public praise; others like more private communication.
• Don’t be directive: Avoid tying praise to demands, e.g. “Nice presentation—you should do all your presentations that way!”

Finally, dozens of studies support one simple truth, notes Finley. “Replacing reactive admonishments with strategic praise, day after day, is the most effective way for words to motivate…”
 
What is a memorable piece of praise you have received, and how did it motivate you? What is the most effective praise you have given? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

As holiday vacations approach, it’s time for friends, family, feasts, and… out of office auto replies. Is there a good way to say, “Hey, I’m trying to unplug; so don’t expect a prompt reply?” (Tweet it!)
 
Writing for The New York Times “Smarter Living” column, Tom Herrera asked readers to suggest ways of saying ”Sorry, I’m outta here.” Of course there is the generic, “I’ll be back next week, meanwhile call so-and-so”, or the no-frills “Back on Tuesday, January 1,” but consider these:

Tembi Secrist, who works in exporting, writes, “Thank you for your email! I am on vacation. Vacations are not for checking email, so I won’t be doing that. Fortunately, we rarely encounter life and death situations in the world of exporting, and aren’t we all glad for that?”

Stephanie Grace, who Herrera says “wins for cutest auto-reply” brought a smile to all with the irresistible…“I’m out of office enjoying a weeklong backpacking trip in the Wallowas with the best adventure pup in the world, Lucy: https://www.instagram.com/luseatosky/”

What's your favorite out of office auto reply? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

From wedding toasts to sales presentations to job interviews, situations where we are the focus of attention tend to generate churning stomachs and pounding hearts. Not even elite actors, athletes, and musicians are immune from performance anxiety—although many use it as fuel and thrive as the stakes rise.

“Research in this area has led to a number of insights that we can all use, whether we want to handle pressure more effectively in our professional lives, or simply get the better of our golf buddies,” writes Noa Kageyama, Ph.D., performance psychologist at the prestigious Julliard School (http://bit.ly/2AkfbyF).
 

• Reappraisal: Studies show that those who interpret anxiety as “excitement” perform better. So, the next time you start to feel nervous, try saying “I’m excited” to yourself instead of trying to calm down (Tweet it!).
• Pre-performance practice: Research suggests that to perform better under pressure, we must also practice under pressure. Try practicing your speech in front of coworkers in the break room.
• Pre-performance routines: Have you ever noticed that basketball players all seem to go through some sort of ritual before shooting a free throw? Studies show that doing so helps them make the shot. So, whether it’s something as simple as taking a few deep breaths, or visualizing how you want to perform, a pre-performance routine can be a valuable tool for improving consistency under pressure.

What kinds of performance situations make you anxious and what do you do to handle your jitters? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

It’s hard to apologize because “human beings are wired for defensiveness.” So says psychologist Harriet Lerner, author of the new book Why Won't You Apologize?: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts.

In a recent NPR interview, Lerner addressed that special subgenre of apology—the sexual harassment apology—so ubiquitous of late. The rules for this kind of mea culpa, she says, are essentially the same as for any good apology.
 

• The wrongdoer should carry some of the pain, (e.g. “I will be struggling — perhaps forever — because of the harm I've caused women who trusted me to mentor and help them.”)
• Do not ask for forgiveness. Lerner stresses that nothing should be asked of those who were harmed.
• Avoid qualifier words like “if” or “might” (e.g. “I’m so sorry if you felt hurt by what I did.”)

 
Lerner says that good apologies are important but they're not enough. Apologies do not excuse perpetrators from the consequences of their actions (Tweet it!).
 
Have you ever been on the receiving end of a sexual harassment apology? How did you feel? If you have not, what do you believe such an apology should include? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

You know that moment when you’re in mid-conversation and can’t come up with the word you want to use? Later, it shows up in your consciousness, though it’s no longer relevant. Researchers call this the “tip of the tongue state.” It’s more or less universal and—good news—it is not a sign of dementia or Alzheimer’s.
 
“You can’t talk to anybody, in any culture, in any language, in any age group, that doesn’t know what you’re talking about” when you describe this state, Lise Abrams, a psychology professor at the University of Florida who’s studied the phenomenon for 20 years, told The New York Times. There are even occurrences among sign language users (called tip-of-the-finger states).

We’re more likely to blank on words we use less frequently, and a common category of “tip of the tongue” words is proper names. “…One reason might be that proper names are arbitrary links to the people they represent, so people with the same name don’t possess the same semantic information the way that common nouns do,” Abrams said.

The bad news is there’s not a whole lot we can do in the moment to jog our memory. But using certain words or names more often can make us less likely to forget. So if you can never seem to remember the name of your neighbor or co-worker down the hall, try saying their names out loud whenever you can (Tweet it!). Doing so might save you an awkward encounter.

What methods do you use for recalling names? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.
 
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.

It’s no secret that many people view conversation as speaking and then waiting to speak again—without doing much real listening in between. In more severe cases, “conversational narcissists” engage in what sociologist Charles Derber calls “the shift response”— exploiting any topic as an excuse to bring the discourse back to themselves (often in order to boast or display “superior” knowledge).
 

Conversational narcissism can also take a more passive form – in which people withhold the kinds of cues that encourage a speaker to go on—such as asking questions, making sounds of affirmation (“uh-huh”) or even nodding. But whether active or passive, conversational narcissists can’t learn anything new, as they are so caught up in their own narrative.
 
Only through active listening can we engage in a truly reciprocal dialogue (Tweet it!). To practice active listening, writer and entrepreneur Shane Parrish, writing in Thrive Global  suggests the following:
 

• Avoid trying to respond immediately. Allow the other person time to finish. Then consider if your response will be shifting or supportive.
• Keep track of your use of pronouns. An over-reliance on ‘I’ and ‘me’ can indicate a desire to steer the conversation toward you.
• During an argument, accept that people are rarely willing to change their viewpoint. Instead of becoming angry, try to understand the other person’s logic.
• Increase your motivation to listen. This motivation might be the desire to improve a relationship, make someone feel better, or make an exchange as clear as possible.

Do you ever catch yourself tuning out the person you are speaking with? What techniques do you use to make your listening more active? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

Why do we often say “yes” when we’d rather say “no?” Most of us like to be obliging and, in general, agreeing is easier than the alternative. But when we offer an easy “yes” we risk overcommitting our time, energy or even money (Tweet it!).
 
Saying ”no” can restore our autonomy (http://nyti.ms/2yIPrde).
But some of us have to learn how to do it. One technique is called refusal strategy. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research, by Professor Vanessa M Patrick and Henrik Hagtvedt, found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” helped participants to avoid unwanted commitments.
 
Salesperson pushing you to open a store credit card? “Sorry, I don’t use anything except my Frequent Flyer Rewards card.” Co-workers pressuring you to go out drinking? “No, I don't go out during the week.” Of course it’s more difficult when your boss asks you to take on yet another project, but you can try phrasing your “don't” positively, as in “I don't want my other pressing project to suffer.”
 
Naturally, we can’t say “no” to everything, but it’s easier to say no when you know how to say it. And the more you say it, the easier it gets.
 
Do you say “yes” more often than you want? In what situations does this happen? What methods have you used for tempering this habit? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion

When employees go beyond their formal roles—helping out coworkers, volunteering for special assignments, introducing ideas, and putting in extra hours on projects, research shows that their companies are more effective overall (Tweet it!). So how can managers encourage employees to take on “good citizenship behaviors?”

Writing in The Harvard Business Review, Mark C. Bolino of the University of Oklahoma’s Price College of Business and Anthony C. Klotz of Oregon State University’s College of Business, note that it is important that managers help employees find customized ways to go beyond the call of duty in order to help make work more meaningful and fulfilling—not because they feel pressured. Managers should let their employees know what types of cooperative behaviors are most important for their group, while recognizing that asking employees to engage in too much service beyond their own work priorities can be counterproductive. Employees should also feel free to tell their managers what types of citizenship behavior are most consistent with their strengths, motives, and passions.

By realizing that not all work group cooperation looks alike, and allowing employees to tailor their citizenship to fit their talents, managers can enhance employee well-being and group productivity. But managers alone are not the answer. In the end, employees will likely be cooperative citizens when colleagues are appreciative and generous in return.
 
What kind of good citizenship behaviors do you engage in at work? How do you encourage others to be good workplace citizens? To join the conversation, click "comments" above.

If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion.