Why You Should Argue with Your Partner

Do you try to avoid arguing with your partner? If so you are hardly alone. Many couples go out of their way to avoid quarrels. But Janice Webb, PhD., a therapist writing in Psychology Today  shares research suggesting that this avoidance can be a self-defeating strategy. “Suppressed feelings of frustration, annoyance, anger, or hurt may build up enough to cause a major eruption or lie under the surface for decades, driving a couple farther and farther apart.”

Webb compares healthy arguing to a bolt of lightning: “Just like lightning crystallizes the electric charge and clears it from the air during a storm, fights can calm relationships by crystallizing and clearing the negative emotion between the partners.” 

There is a natural cycle that characterizes a healthy relationship, says the author: harmony (which cannot last forever) rupture (the challenging part), and repair. The repair process strengthens a relationship in three ways:  

1. You get to know one another better by learning about one another’s feelings;
2. You each learn what you can do to contribute to your partner’s happiness;
3. You send powerful messages to your partner that they matter to you. When you are vulnerable (“I’m feeling left out”), you are communicating trust. When you stick through a painful conflict, you are communicating commitment.
   
   

Have you ever gone out of your way to avoid arguing with your partner, and if so, why? Have you ever had a fight that led to greater closeness?

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