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Why You Should Argue with Your Partner

5/24/2022

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Do you try to avoid arguing with your partner? If so you are hardly alone. Many couples go out of their way to avoid quarrels. But Janice Webb, PhD., a therapist writing in Psychology Today  shares research suggesting that this avoidance can be a self-defeating strategy. “Suppressed feelings of frustration, annoyance, anger, or hurt may build up enough to cause a major eruption or lie under the surface for decades, driving a couple farther and farther apart.”

Webb compares healthy arguing to a bolt of lightning: “Just like lightning crystallizes the electric charge and clears it from the air during a storm, fights can calm relationships by crystallizing and clearing the negative emotion between the partners.” 

There is a natural cycle that characterizes a healthy relationship, says the author: harmony (which cannot last forever) rupture (the challenging part), and repair. The repair process strengthens a relationship in three ways:  

  1. You get to know one another better by learning about one another’s feelings;
  2. You each learn what you can do to contribute to your partner’s happiness;
  3. You send powerful messages to your partner that they matter to you. When you are vulnerable (“I’m feeling left out”), you are communicating trust. When you stick through a painful conflict, you are communicating commitment.

Have you ever gone out of your way to avoid arguing with your partner, and if so, why? Have you ever had a fight that led to greater closeness?

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  • Courses
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