Be curious, not furious.

Defensiveness is a deterrent to productive communication. As soon as you get your hackles up, a new conversation begins — and this one is all about your reaction! The original topic is derailed.

As Debra Roberts, interpersonal communication author, writes in Inc., we can easily spot defensive reactions in others, but it can be harder to spot them in ourselves. We all wear emotional armor and often feel threatened when it is pierced. 

Defensiveness is a form of self-protection that can present in many forms: Making excuses, ignoring or talking over the other person, criticizing the behavior of the other person, or becoming highly emotional.

To curtail defensive reactions:

• Pause before responding:  Breathe deeply, ground your feet on the floor, and stay present. Pause at least 5 seconds before replying.
• Shift your mindset: Give the other person the benefit of the doubt. What do they wish you would understand? Create space for the other person to feel heard.
• Buy some time: Ask for more information: “Can you tell me more about that so I can understand? Is there anything else?” or even “I’d like some time to think about that.” 

​What do you typically do when you start to feel defensive? If its an over-reaction, do you think you can break the cycle? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. We would love to hear about your experiences!

For more details on how to respond non-defensively to criticism, check out our BreakThrough Conflict curriculum.  

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