Saying “thank you” is the ultimate win/win. Research shows that expressing gratitude increases feelings of personal well being. As Americans approach our official day of giving thanks, perhaps all of us can take a moment to consider how we might make gratitude an ongoing part of our lives. If you are looking for someone to practice your “thank you” on, start close to home (Tweet it!). John Gottman, Executive Director of the Relationship Research Institute of Seattle says: “Masters of relationships have a habit of scanning the world for things they can thank their partner for. People whose relationships go down the tubes scan the world for their partner’s mistakes.” What happened when you upped the level of thanks you expressed to people around you? To join the conversation, click "comments"above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion
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It’s no secret that many people view conversation as speaking and then waiting to speak again—without doing much real listening in between. In more severe cases, “conversational narcissists” engage in what sociologist Charles Derber calls “the shift response”— exploiting any topic as an excuse to bring the discourse back to themselves (often in order to boast or display “superior” knowledge). Conversational narcissism can also take a more passive form – in which people withhold the kinds of cues that encourage a speaker to go on—such as asking questions, making sounds of affirmation (“uh-huh”) or even nodding. But whether active or passive, conversational narcissists can’t learn anything new, as they are so caught up in their own narrative. Only through active listening can we engage in a truly reciprocal dialogue (Tweet it!). To practice active listening, writer and entrepreneur Shane Parrish, writing in Thrive Global suggests the following:
If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion Why do we often say “yes” when we’d rather say “no?” Most of us like to be obliging and, in general, agreeing is easier than the alternative. But when we offer an easy “yes” we risk overcommitting our time, energy or even money (Tweet it!). Saying ”no” can restore our autonomy (http://nyti.ms/2yIPrde). But some of us have to learn how to do it. One technique is called refusal strategy. A study in the Journal of Consumer Research, by Professor Vanessa M Patrick and Henrik Hagtvedt, found that saying “I don’t” instead of “I can’t” helped participants to avoid unwanted commitments. Salesperson pushing you to open a store credit card? “Sorry, I don’t use anything except my Frequent Flyer Rewards card.” Co-workers pressuring you to go out drinking? “No, I don't go out during the week.” Of course it’s more difficult when your boss asks you to take on yet another project, but you can try phrasing your “don't” positively, as in “I don't want my other pressing project to suffer.” Naturally, we can’t say “no” to everything, but it’s easier to say no when you know how to say it. And the more you say it, the easier it gets. Do you say “yes” more often than you want? In what situations does this happen? What methods have you used for tempering this habit? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion When employees go beyond their formal roles—helping out coworkers, volunteering for special assignments, introducing ideas, and putting in extra hours on projects, research shows that their companies are more effective overall (Tweet it!). So how can managers encourage employees to take on “good citizenship behaviors?” Writing in The Harvard Business Review, Mark C. Bolino of the University of Oklahoma’s Price College of Business and Anthony C. Klotz of Oregon State University’s College of Business, note that it is important that managers help employees find customized ways to go beyond the call of duty in order to help make work more meaningful and fulfilling—not because they feel pressured. Managers should let their employees know what types of cooperative behaviors are most important for their group, while recognizing that asking employees to engage in too much service beyond their own work priorities can be counterproductive. Employees should also feel free to tell their managers what types of citizenship behavior are most consistent with their strengths, motives, and passions. By realizing that not all work group cooperation looks alike, and allowing employees to tailor their citizenship to fit their talents, managers can enhance employee well-being and group productivity. But managers alone are not the answer. In the end, employees will likely be cooperative citizens when colleagues are appreciative and generous in return. What kind of good citizenship behaviors do you engage in at work? How do you encourage others to be good workplace citizens? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. In order to grow, we must step outside our comfort zone (Tweet it!). But as CNN commentator and bestselling author Mel Robbins says, knowing what to do and why you need to do it will never be enough. “If you don’t start doing the things you don’t feel like doing, you will wake up one year from today and be in exactly the same place.” As Robbins explains, when there is an internal dialogue between what you should be doing and what you feel like doing, feelings tend to win. That’s why she posits The Five Second Rule: If you have an impulse to act on a goal, you must physically move within 5 seconds or your brain will kill the idea. If you have a goal of losing weight, go to the gym. If you have a goal of launching your own business, fill out a business plan template. If you are at a networking event, stop standing in the corner and introduce yourself. “Because when you physically move, your brain starts to build new habits. When you do something you’re not used to doing, you are in the act of building new habits and erasing existing ones.” Have you ever overridden what you think was a good impulse (one aimed at reaching a positive goal) and regretted it later? What would you have done differently? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion Jia Jang recently embarked on a 100-day mission. He deliberately courted rejection by doing things like asking a stranger for $100, requesting a burger refill at a restaurant, and asking for a haircut at PetSmart. Jang publishes the website “Rejection Therapy” and is the CEO of Wuju Learning, a company that teaches people and organizations to become fearless through rejection training. Needless to say, Jia Jang got a lot of “no’s,” but he got some “yes’s” too. Most of all he gained a significant amount of self-knowledge, as shared in his Ted talk.
The bottom line, says Jia Jang, is not to run the next time you are rejected. Instead consider the possibilities. “You can fulfill your life’s dream by simply asking.” What’s the best lesson you ever learned from rejection? To join the conversation, click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion Senior managers and team leaders are increasingly frustrated by conflicts arising from multi-teaming—having their people assigned to multiple projects simultaneously. Multi-teaming can create efficiencies and limit downtime, but the continual churning of members can weaken group cohesion and identity, making it harder to build trust and resolve issues (Tweet it!). Moreover, individuals may experience stress, fatigue, and burnout as they struggle to manage time and engagement across projects. Managers must stay on top of the situation in order to mitigate downsides. Writing in The Harvard Business Review, Heidi Gardner, faculty chair of the Accelerated Leadership Program at Harvard Law School, and Mark Mortensen, chair of the Organizational Behavior Area at INSEAD, suggest best practices based on their 15-year study of team collaboration: · Launch each team well to establish trust and familiarity · Map everyone’s skills · Manage time across teams · Create a learning environment · Boost motivation The authors write, “A sense of fairness drives many behaviors. If people feel they are pulling their weight while others slack off, they quickly become demotivated. When team members are tugged in many directions, it’s often difficult for each one to recognize and appreciate how hard the others are working. As the leader, keep publicly acknowledging various members’ contributions…” Have you worked across multiple teams or shared your team members with others? What best practices do you suggest; what caveats can you offer? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. Have you ever witnessed a male paying a “compliment” to a female colleague that did more harm than good? Unfortunately, the problem is not uncommon (Tweet it!). Psychologists Peter Glick and Susan Flake refer to it as benevolent sexism -- “a chivalrous attitude that suggests women are weak and need men’s protection”). Consider a few of the “laudatory” remarks former (and fleeting) White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci made about Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders:
Scaramucci also described Sanders as “warm”— however research shows that if a woman is considered “nice” she is less likely to be deemed competent. “Many men want to support women at work,” says David M. Mayer, associate professor at The University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business (http://bit.ly/2tZW05y). “So let’s stop using methods that backfire and instead use compliments that acknowledge, and don’t undermine the competence, legitimacy, and status of our female colleagues.” Have you ever had a co-worker pay you a “compliment” that had an undermining effect – whether intended or not? How did you respond? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. At some point, from about middle school onward, many of us have longed to be “popular.” But what does that really entail? There are two kinds of popularity, says Mitch Prinstein, a professor and director of clinical psychology at the UNC Chapel Hill, in his forthcoming book, Popular: The Power of Likability in a Status-Obsessed World. Prinstein sorts the popular into two types: “likables” and “status seekers” (http://nyti.ms/2o0cp84). The likables nurture friendships, and cultivate interpersonal skills from the playground years through business and romance. The “status seekers” pursue power, sometimes through notorious behavior, from adolescence onward. These “cool kids” don't fare so well. In one study, Prinstein examined the two types of popularity in 235 adolescents, scoring the least liked, the most liked, and the highest in status based on student surveys. “We found that the least well-liked teens had become more aggressive over time toward their classmates. But so had those who were high in status. It was a nice demonstration that while likability can lead to healthy adjustment, high status may have the opposite effect on us.” Prinstein also found that qualities that made kids desirable play dates — sharing, kindness, openness — endure in later years and make those likables better able to relate to and connect with others. Not only does likability correlate with positive life outcomes, it is also responsible for them (Tweet it!). “Being liked creates opportunities for learning and for new kinds of life experiences that help somebody gain an advantage.” Do you remember the high status “cool kids” from your youth? Do you know where they are now? What about the likeable ones? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around communication mastery, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion The workplace, says New York Times Applied Science columnist Phyllis Korkki, can be “a petri dish of conflict”. And some of these conflicts have the potential to escalate out of control. In many instances people feel slighted or even victimized. But, as it turns out, most of the transgressors themselves contend they meant no harm and “wanted to be forgiven much more than their victims realized.” Gabrielle S Adams, an assistant professor at the London Business School and a visiting fellow at Harvard, has examined the role that empathy and forgiveness play in resolving such conflicts. Said Adams. “We ask victims to think about what it would be like to be the transgressor, and [we] reduce that miscalibration.” In other words, the mental exercise of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, a.k.a. empathy, works (Tweet it!). “By making it a point to resolve conflicts by encouraging empathy and forgiveness, workers and managers can improve workplace conditions.” Can you think of a conflict at work when you felt slighted but later discovered “the offender” meant no harm? How did you resolve the misunderstanding? To join the conversation, click "comments" below. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around communication mastery, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion “Every week, I get invited to another “must attend” business event sure to be full of important people who could affect my business. I know I should go, but it’s a chore. All too often, I end up standing in a corner clinging to the one person I know, feeling guilty that I’m not taking advantage of the situation.” So writes Rebekah Campbell, CEO of Posse.com, a social search engine for which she—a self-confessed introvert—managed, shyness aside, to raise $3 million in start-up funding. Writing in The New York Times, Campbell says, ”I recognize the importance of this type of activity, so I stick to it — primarily because a few chance encounters at events have led to relationships that have made all the difference in my business. I have to accept that networking doesn’t come naturally to me…So I’ve developed techniques to help me form relationships and improve, even enjoy, the networking process.” Among her ideas:
Are you ever (even secretly) uncomfortable at networking events? What strategies do you use to overcome your reticence? To join the conversation, click "comments" below. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around communication mastery, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion Machines do many things well, but they lack social skills (Tweet it!). And research shows that occupations that require strong social skills have grown much more than others since 1980 (http://nyti.ms/2pjFHmj). James Heckman, a Nobel Prize-winning economist, has concluded that non-cognitive skills like character, dependability and perseverance are as important as cognitive achievement. These conclusions have been put into practice. Google researchers, for example, studied the company’s employees to determine what made the best manager. It turned out that technical expertise did not predict elite managers; predictors were actually people who made time for one-on-one meetings, helped employees work through problems, and took an interest in the lives of others. Mr. Deming’s study quantifies these types of skills. Using data about the tasks and abilities that occupations require from a Department of Labor survey called O*NET, he measured the economic return of social skills, after controlling for factors like cognitive skill, years of education and occupation. Jobs requiring social skills grew 24 percent between 1980 and 2012, while jobs requiring repetitive tasks, and analytical tasks that don’t necessarily involve teamwork declined. Deming explains social skills in terms of the economic concept of comparative advantage. “Say two workers are publishing a research paper. If one excels at data analysis and the other at writing, they would be more productive and create a better product if they collaborated. But if they lack interpersonal skills, the cost of working together might be too high to make the partnership productive.” Can you share an example of a time when social skills helped you or a colleague achieve success on the job? To join the conversation, click "comments" below. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion. This has been the Year of the Apology, from accounting firm PwC in the aftermath of the Academy Award snafu to Wells Fargo, United Airlines, the White House press secretary, and more. Of course everyone makes mistakes—so much so that the art of saying “I’m sorry” is taught in business schools and managed by pricey consultants. But it's important to make an apology that mitigates the original offense rather than compounding it (http://nyti.ms/2oqTO50). Some advice for those who find themselves needing to say mea culpa (Tweet it!):
Whatever you do, you don't want to have to do it over and over, Ken Sunshine, who founded the public-relations firm Sunshine Sachs, says. “My rule? You get one shot.” What’s the last time you gave or received an apology at work? Do you think it could have been done more skillfully? To join the conversation, click "comments" below. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion You’ve probably heard about the famous “marshmallow study” in which children who were able to delay the gratification of eating a marshmallow in order to get two marshmallows later were deemed more likely to be successful. The message was clear: delaying gratification is a critical success factor. But new evidence suggests that we may be missing the point. (http://bit.ly/2nPpzoj) In a series of five studies recently published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, researchers Kaitlin Wooley and Ayelet Fishbach at the University of Chicago's Booth School of Business found that achieving long-term goals depends on our ability to focus on incremental goals on the way. It turns out that long-term desires like making honor roll, getting promoted, or losing weight for the class reunion motivate people to set goals in the first place. But once we know where we want to go, reminding ourselves how much we want to get there isn't an effective strategy. Rather, those who succeed are not just those who are better at delaying gratification but rather those who find other ways to gratify themselves along the way (Tweet it!). Many of the children who deferred their original sugar puff treat distracted themselves by singing songs or playing games in their heads. They didn't so much delay gratification as substitute its source. They discovered instinctively what the Chicago studies showed: Success is about discovering gratification in every situation. Can you think of a situation, at work or elsewhere, where you met long-term goals by focusing on the rewards of step-by-step progress? To join the conversation, click "comments" below. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion Long before communication scientists began studying persuasion, 17th century philosopher Blaise Pascal said that when we wish to change a person’s mind, “we must notice from what side he views the matter, for on that side it is usually true, and admit that truth to him, then reveal to him the side on which it is false.” In other words, meet your skeptics on their own turf (Tweet it!). If you want someone to adopt your point of view, first tell them where they are right, then tell them where their information is incomplete. Says Arthur Markman, psychology professor at The University of Texas at Austin, “One of the first things you have to do to give someone permission to change their mind is to lower their defenses and prevent them from digging in their heels...If I immediately tell you all the ways in which you’re wrong, there’s no incentive for you to co-operate. But if I start by saying, ‘You make a couple of really good points here, I think these are important issues,’ now you’re giving the other party a reason to want to co-operate as part of the exchange.” (http://bit.ly/2j1yIuT) Only when you have engagement based on some measure of common ground can you nudge opposite views toward your direction. Can you think of an occasion when someone successfully changed your mind? How did they do it, and what did you learn from their approach? To join the conversation, click comments below. If you would like to read more about creating a habit around masterful communication, check out our book: Be Quiet, Be Heard: The Paradox of Persuasion |
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