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One of the most dangerous myths in our culture is that vulnerability is a weakness..."Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never a weakness." We agree with Brené Brown, Ph.D., University of Houston researcher and author of The Gifts of Imperfection.
This is why we have often said that feeling descriptions like "angry," "frustrated," and "betrayed" don't work as well as "embarrassed," "inadequate," and "isolated." Although the first three might be easier to admit to, they lack vulnerability and the power that brings. Being vulnerable gives us the power to break through defensiveness by appealing to people's compassion. Then they can fully hear our concerns without feeling that they have to protect themselves from us. We want to hear from you! What happened when you tried communicating your own vulnerability? Share your responses to this weekly discussion question here.
14 Comments
Deb Robinette
10/22/2013 03:00:40 am
I have spent most of me adult life being 'invinceable' and making sure I was not vulnerable. Funny thing that the same tactic that served me well as a female jet engine mechanic in the US Air Force is the tactic that would most hinder the relationship with family 36 years later! I have begun using the "I feel" statements to open difficult dialog and it never fails to open closed communication doors. I have begun to employ 'replacement therapy' as a way to maintain the vulnerability that is required for open communication. It is my choice that keeps anger and resentment in place - it is my choice to forgive. Adopting the attitude of forgiveness allows me to anticipate honest, open and thoughtful communication. I just spent time with some of my family and had the choice to forgive. Replacing years of anger and resentment with forgiveness opened a weekend-long conversation that has rejuvenated three relationships and laid years of misunderstanding to rest.
susan glaser
10/22/2013 08:23:02 am
How wonderful, Deb, to hear how moving from 'invincible' to 'vulnerable' replaced years of anger and rejuvenated three relationships over a few days. Thank you for sharing these details with our on-line community.
Christine Rout
5/11/2017 01:56:31 pm
The "I feel" statements are great because they have real power. Saying how you feel takes nothing away from anyone else, allows others to understand you better, and cannot be denied by anyone because it is an honest expression of emotion. Being betrayed leads to feeling hurt for example, but we often don't express the hurt, and instead express the anger. By confronting our own feelings, and looking at ourselves honestly, we can bring about real change in our own lives. I love the "I feel" statement, and if someone tells you how they feel, it really has power if in return you can echo that statement back " what you're saying is you feel hurt" for example, and then follow it up with "that makes sense to me" or "I can understand that". You don't have to go into details, but validating that feeling is a great thing to offer to someone.
Susan
5/11/2017 02:54:08 pm
And what we are learning is that the more vulnerable the feeling the more it connects. The single greatest predictor of relationship is self disclosure and you have hit on why Christine.
Harry Kuhn
10/22/2013 04:29:34 am
The choice to forgive and get on with life is foundational to open and positive relationships. It is also an act of vunerability that says to the receiver, "I am not going to carry "Junk" in my pockets which will keep me oppressed all of my life." I'm going to process the "Junk," which always includes a degree of vunerablility, and deal with the issue which will set me free. In fact this creates freedom in relationships and has the effect of positive growth. Like the Southwest Airlines motto says "You are now free to move about the country;" you are now free to get on with life!
susan glaser
10/22/2013 08:25:50 am
Interesting connection between forgiveness, vulnerability,and getting on with life. Thanks for bringing this connection to life for us all.
ann
10/23/2013 08:36:45 am
:)
Fabienne Peter-Contesse
10/22/2013 04:53:57 am
When I first heard Brene Brown online doing a TED Talk I was blown away by her take on vulnerability; she eloquently states what I've felt for years but couldn't articulate. How often do we apologize for showing our emotions, for honestly answering the FAQ "How are you?" when you're struggling, for being real? Vulnerability is a gift to each other, it's the real stuff of life. We can talk about sports, politics, the weather, but what matters to me are the heart felt conversations where I feel safe sharing my raw self and others feel safe doing the same with me.
susan glaser
10/22/2013 08:32:35 am
So true! Brene Brown's take on vulnerability is both eloquent and deep. And your observation really rings true: vulnerability is a gift and when we share it, those are the heart felt conversations that make a difference.
Sam
10/23/2013 07:09:04 am
Couldn't agree more, here's to letting our guard down more often.
Dan Poston
10/28/2013 07:11:17 am
Like so many other things you both do, this is a simple, highly useful gem. The specific recommendation to exchange one type of word for another is great. However, more broadly, I have found in just the last couple years the more willing I am to be open and vulnerable in my presentations, the higher my ratings go. We believe people will think less of us, but actually they think more highly of us. A great example: One of my colleagues delivered exactly the same presentation to students this year as last year. However, in response to a question from the audience at the end, he let himself be vulnerable and gave a very honest answer. His ratings for the presentation were much higher this year. My own impression of him rose even higher. That one brief moment left people profoundly impressed.
susan glaser
10/28/2013 08:05:17 am
Thanks for this, Dan. Hadn't yet made the connection that vulnerability is also an asset in more formal presentations -- even in a university classroom environment. Appreciate your example -- really clarified your point that our fear that vulnerability will cause people to think less of us suppresses the real truth: One brief moment of vulnerability can create profound impact.
Ava
10/30/2013 08:01:29 am
This is often my experience as well, particularly when the vulnerability is blended with humor. :)
Susan Glaser
10/30/2013 01:41:22 pm
So true, Ava. Like you I also resonate with Dan's application of vulnerability to the college teaching environment. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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