Complaining About Coworkers is Dangerous

Most people would deny indulging in workplace gossip. However, Deborah Grayson Riegel, a communication coach and instructor at Wharton Business School, says people engage in this destructive practice without realizing it. If you have ever participated in a “confirmation expedition” by asking a colleague to confirm your negative experience of a third party (”Have you noticed Sam in accounting never replies to emails?”), or welcomed a similar inquiry from a coworker, you could be contributing to a climate of eroding trust, hurt feelings, damaged reputations, and divisiveness—in other words, you might be gossiping.
 
Gossip is a way of bonding by excluding others, of venting, and of validating our own beliefs, so the urge to engage in it is strong. But talking behind backs undermines an open, honest culture. How can we stop doing something wrong that feels so right?  Riegel has this advice:

• Name it; then pivot. Label gossip “gossip.” Then pivot the conversation by asking, “How can I help you get a better outcome?” Engage in coaching, brainstorming, and problem-solving— not in problem-confirming.
• Ask yourself why you need someone else’s confirmation about a behavior that you’re noticing in a third party. If it’s to confirm you’re right, don’t bring someone else into the conversation. If it’s to understand how you might be contributing to the dynamic or to brainstorm helpful solutions, then it might be workable.
• Let people know your policy is, “if you have a problem with me, tell me first.” Adopt the “tell them first” policy with your colleagues, too. When someone approaches you with gossip about someone else, ask, “Have you already told her?”
• Create a feedback-rich environment around you. The more you normalize feedback —positive and negative, giving and receiving — the less likely people will be to look for alternative means to express their frustrations and concerns.

 
Have you ever interacted with a colleague regarding negative impressions about a coworker? How might that conversation have been more productive? To join the conversation, click "comments" above. 

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