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De-Stressing Holiday Get-Togethers

12/19/2014

2 Comments

 
Picture
Whenever we ask people to share stories about stressful family encounters at the holidays, we are amazed at the outpouring of fraught memories.  But reliving the conflicts of holidays past won’t help us deal with the present.  This season, try something new. When Uncle Joe or Aunt Blanche blurts out an unwelcome opinion, resist the temptation to engage in point/counterpoint. This quickly devolves into a situation where everyone feels the only way to “win” is to get louder and LOUDER! 

Instead, ask for more information about your relative’s point of view—and actually listen to that information. (Do this even if the point of view they are sharing is a direct criticism of you.) Only true listening can provide you the information you need to have influence.  And it is only when your “opponent” feels heard that they will even begin to consider another point of view.

Additionally:

*avoid conversation killers like “You always…” and “You never…”;

*tell the other person you understand how they came to feel the way they do;

*own your part of the situation and acknowledge how you may be contributing to it.


Be realistic: You are not going to achieve perfect harmony with everyone at the dinner table. But with a little resolve you can certainly improve your batting average.  Happy holidays!

We want to hear:  How did this advice work for you this holiday season? Join the conversation and click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

Image Credit: Michael Porter https://www.flickr.com/photos/libraryman

2 Comments
Cam McGinnis
12/24/2014 03:15:38 am

Thank you for including the point of another person feeling that they are being heard.
'Being heard' is so much more than hearing.
Thank you for your thoughtful guidance.

Reply
Merry Bauman link
12/26/2014 05:57:22 am

Our family holiday gatherings had become so large and so fraught with conflicts and problems that we stopped having them - as a group. The whole family gathers once a year for our Mom's and Aunt's birthday party together, and that is it.
For Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, and Easter (Pascha- I'm Orthodox), we all gather in our own immediate family groups. I have a large family of my own, including three married children with their own homes; as well as a stepson and a Godson who live with us, Eight grand children - two married, and four great grandchildren. Scattered from Alaska to Oklahoma. We go to the kids homes and celebrate there with the grand kids.
For Christmas, yesterday, I slept in after a beautiful midnight service at our church the night before. One "perk" of being older - no kids to get you up at dawn to open things. lol I spent an hour fixing a turkey dinner with all the trimmings - turkey roasted overnight - we ate, and the guys did all the clean up. I took a nap, and pretty much rested most of the day. All the presents had already gone to the kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids, so no where to go.
It was a very peaceful holiday, free from conflicts at all.
I work with many of my family members every day, so it is nice to take a break to give to others, and enjoy the peace of the season.
In reviewing your position in the statements, I can see where that could work in many cases. Because of the polarity of the divisions in our family, I don't think there are some that it would ever work with. As much as I hate it, I know many who actually thrive on conflict and drama. Not something I handle well. Avoidance is preferred, whenever possible. I see some real use for this idea in dealing with these people daily, more than at a gathering. Always enjoy reading these columns too.

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