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What if you're working with someone whom you genuinely dislike? According to a recent Wall Street Journal article, our “biased expectancy” can create a self-fulfilling prophecy in any interaction you have with that person. In other words, because you don’t ever expect to respond positively to any idea they have—you won’t.
Ignoring the situation is unlikely to help. To break through your negative view and begin to improve the relationship, try initiating even casual dialogue. Let that person do most of the talking while you become a great listener. Make good eye contact, lean in, and ask questions. They will be drawn to you because of your interest in what they have to say—and you might even hear something that gets you to like them. We want to hear from you! What happened when you tried this kind of casual curiosity with someone who you have typically not liked? Share your responses to this weekly discussion.
9 Comments
Ed
10/8/2013 04:43:06 am
I tried this and it works. It is amazing how much casual conversation and being an active listener helps transform a relationship. 10/9/2013 02:26:52 am
Ed: You are the master of transforming relationships through the power of your dialogue and listening.
Merry
10/10/2013 02:56:32 am
I am really excited about this newsletter!!! Thanks for doing this.
We agree, Merry, that drama and pot stirring can create serious communication breakdowns and office polarization. One possible remedy is to create an office wide agreement that if a person has a serious issue they will take it to the source. That way, if someone comes to you (or others) with a complaint, a fair answer is: We have an agreement to talk TO the source of our issues, not ABOUT them.
We agree, Merry, that drama and pot stirring can create serious communication breakdowns and office polarization. One possible remedy is to create an office wide agreement that if a person has a serious issue they will take it to the source. That way, if someone comes to you (or others) with a complaint, a fair answer is: We have an agreement to talk TO the source of our issues, not ABOUT them.
ava rosenblum
10/10/2013 09:51:46 am
I am really excited about this forum, and thank you as well. :) I wonder if the 'pot-stirrer' feels like he or she isn't listened to as much as he or she would like to be? To Peter, Susan, Merry and anyone else: Could listening intently to a pot stirrer perhaps decrease the frequency of the behavior if the person is feeling ignored? This is a fascinating issue to me. 10/11/2013 05:27:13 am
Interesting thought, Ava. What do you think, Merry? Do you suppose that intense listening would allow the person to feel understood and consequently reduce the need for creating polarization and pot stirring?
Harry
10/19/2013 05:22:10 am
Try forgiveness as a lifestyle even forgiving those you dont enjoy being around. Forgiveness is of course not a new concept. It is however one of the cornerstones in the foundation of healing relationships. Forgiveness does not mean what an offender did was right, it acknowledges the pain of the offense and gives us the platform to move on with our lives without carrying shame and guilt with us. Without forgiveness the process of healing may not begin. With forgiveness we can build lasting relationships with our friends, coworkers families and those we are priveledged to lead.
susan glaser
10/22/2013 08:15:29 am
Forgiveness as a lifestyle is not something i had considered before. Particularly helpful is what you said about forgiveness not meaning that what the person did was right -- that it can still acknowledge the pain of the offense -- without the guilt/shame/anger being carted around. thanks for your thoughts on this. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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