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No Relationship is Beyond Repair

7/8/2014

Not everyone we work with will be our best friends, and some may prove challenging to get along with; still, we often must rely on our co-workers for our own efforts to succeed. If a relationship at work proves troublesome, our natural inclination is avoidance. But this can be self-defeating.

Writing in the Harvard Business Review, Dorie Clark, strategy consultant and Adjunct Professor at Duke University’s Fuqua School of Business, advises acknowledging your own role in the tension, mentally pressing a “reset” button, and changing the relationship dynamic by avoiding past patterns.

We completely agree. We have long said that while we cannot change another other person, we can always change the way we react to that person. The first step is taking accountability for your part in the tension. Be observant as to how your reactions could be making a tense situation worse. Understand yourself and you will gain insight into the dynamic. Change your behavior and change the dynamic. You may not gain a BFF, but you can gain respect and cooperation

Please share your experience: What has worked for you in repairing damaged relationships at work? Join the conversation and click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

8 Comments

Dick Swenson link

7/9/2014 04:21:00 am

It is absolutely correct that the only way to change a relationship is to change one's own contribution to the relationship. The only problem with this is that it often requires an effort that unless one is totally committed to cannot be given without the help of others.

We are governed by many 'unconscious' responses to the explicit and implicit behavior of others. Unless we become aware of those responses, we cannot alter them. Thus many of us are sensitive to comments bout our ethnic origin, our religious beliefs, etc. These 'trigger' our behavior in a conflict. Some of us react by attempting to be more insulting than the other person, more 'rational' than the other person, reverting to pointing out the bad behavior of the other person, etc.

The approach of many eastern philosophical systems is to develop a set of mental 'mantras' to which one retreats IMMEDIATELY when a conflict occurs. Thus, one can practice bringing forth an image, say tha of a hammer, which suggests that we may want to 'batter' someone else. This image thus will warn us that we are about to become one-half of a conflict that we may want to stop. Or, we may develop a mental 'verbal' image that will again warn us of a developing conflict that we may not want to participate in.

It appears that if one can suppress the immediate 'fight or flight' response for 30 or so seconds, one can move ones self from antagonist to investigator, and being an investigator can, if managed, often lead to insights about the immediate conflict and any background that needs to be understood.

It is not always possible to 'save' a relationship. But it is always possible to make it worse. This is the first choice one must make.

susan

7/9/2014 04:43:06 am

Thanks for this nuanced thinking about the topic, Dick. Resonating with your idea that if we can suppress the immediate fight/flight response for 30+ seconds, we can move from antagonist to investigator. In addition to the mantras you describe above, do you have any other thoughts about how to make that transition?

Merry Bauman link

7/9/2014 06:04:26 am

This is such a difficult thing to talk about, much less to do effectively.
I have found the hardest working relationships are often among family members that work together. Dealing with people who deliberately antagonize or abuse is much more complicated in those circumstances. It is difficult to maintain a working and family relationship when being taken advantage of in a hostile relationship.
That said, the only real way to handle it is to take deep breath, and in calm manner ask them point blank if they intended to anger, insult, or offend you. In many cases that stops a bully or aggressor in their tracks and makes them accountable for their comments and behavior. I used to just ignore such remarks, falling back into lifetime habits and experiences with abusive people in my jobs and family life. Now I have changed the dynamic by not ignoring them, but rather changing MY way of reacting to the comments or behaviors. It has been my experience that once they are "called" on their behaviors or comments, and are being held accountable for them, they try and find a more neutral place to work from. No one wants to be considered rude, insulting, or offensive - with the exception of stand up comedians of course - lol. When coming from completely different backgrounds, with different values and beliefs, it takes finding something that you CAN agree on to find that common ground to begin a real communication. Respecting yourself and the other person is vital to working with them effectively.
Then there are some that you can only accept by reminding yourself that even the broom factory needs test pilots! You interact as you must with them, and avoid as much as possible. I try to avoid the dramas that tend to crop up in every company. I don't understand many of them, and feel if there is a real problem then we should all be working at solving it, not talking about it to each other.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, there are people who simply don't want to work with you, and you have to accept that and move on. Fortunately I have found few of those in my long years of working.

7/9/2014 07:09:59 am

Agreed, Merry: These dynamics become more complicated in family business -- and are still achievable. Like you, we have found few people who simply don't want to make a situation work -- no matter what. Guess it's about how much patience and perseverance we have!

7/9/2014 07:58:34 am

LOL So true! Those people you just pray for and thank God you don't go home to them at night!

Dick Swenson

7/22/2014 08:09:50 am

The previous comments and my original remarks have caused me to think some more.

I have found it useful (but difficult to do) when in a situation that is clearly becoming a conflict to ask the other person 'point blank' as Ms Bauman wrote, "Is there anything that I can say or do that will let you consider my point of view without raising the level of antagonism?"

If the answer is No, then as has been observed, 'Stop arguing with a fool, others may only see 2 fools arguing.'

Think of the more worldly conflicts we observe daily. Neither side will actually want the situation to be resolved. If it were, their whole 'Weltanschauung' might collapse. It seems that often each side in a conflict needs the other to confirm their own existence and meaning. In this case one is not going to learn anything, much less convert the other to one's opinions.

And that is one of the basic facts to acknowledge. If one must WIN, then the conflict will not be resolvable. Consider the history of the wars being fought and having been fought. No war has ever really solved a problem, and when personal conflicts begin to resemble wars, then the only way to behave is to walk away.

7/22/2014 08:34:46 am

Really happy that this discussion has caused you to think more, Dick. Same here! What a great question you have created: "Is there anything that I can say or do that will let you consider my point of view without raising the level of antagonism?" Thank you for this.

7/23/2014 02:28:24 am

Wow Dick, well said!!! I too like that idea, and love your suggested sentence. It will be used! When said in a completely neutral tone, that could really work. In most cases, sadly, it will be a situation where they don't really want to compromise or discuss, but rather impose their will or opinions on others. The personalities I work with range the gamut of possibilities. At times it is like a cartoon in progress, with the characters all determined to create as much chaos they can. lol I do not have the patience to deal with a lot of that, and try to work around it and not engage them as much as possible. Your point about the international conflicts and wars was well made too. Some people, like some countries or organizations, simply thrive on conflict and keeping it perpetuated. They are always the "wronged" party in any given situation, and they thrive on it. That type of person I find the hardest to deal with. Unless they get their way about everything, then the fight is on. To me that is a huge waste of energy that could, and should, be spent in a better way - solving real problems. I appreciate your comments, and this has been very helpful. Confronting and then walking away when it is obvious there is no positive resolution possible is a very good piece of advice. We cannot change anyone else, but we can change how we react to them. Walking away is definitely a reaction that makes a statement of it's own very nicely. I have to laugh, as this brings to mind a favorite T-Shirt saying of mine - "I don't engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person". My thoughts exactly.

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No Relationship is Beyond Repair

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