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Not All Praise Is Equal

3/4/2014

UCLA psychology professor Jim Stigler studies teaching and learning around the world. As a grad student he conducted a study comparing Japanese and American kids presented with an impossible math problem. American students gave up after 30 seconds; their Japanese counterparts persevered until researchers stopped them. The difference: Are we teaching our students that struggle is a predictable part of learning and a chance to demonstrate that they have what it takes to persevere? Or do we communicate that struggle is a sign they are just not smart enough?

Should we praise a child for being smart, or for working hard? Marion Forgatch and Gerry Patterson, leading authorities on parenting practices, suggest that rather than offering blanket “Good job!” kudos to kids, we reinforce their hard work by asking "Wow, how did you do that? Could you show me how to do that?"

By focusing on specific detailed actions and effort, we help children discover for themselves what the steps were that brought their success. As we do this we also instill resilience, and perseverance—the essence of grit—in the next generation.

We want to hear: How do you praise the kids in your life and how have they responded? Share your stories here.

2 Comments

Meegan

3/5/2014 01:18:42 am

As a parent of a four year old, I try to always praise effort and strategy, because our son too easily decides he is either “good at something” or “not good at something.”

It’s such a natural reaction to praise with phrases such as “great job” or “wow, you’re really good at that” but then when something doesn’t come easily to him he then assumes he just isn’t good at that activity, and wants to go back to something that comes more naturally. We try and emphasize how whether it’s doing a puzzle, catching a ball or performing general tasks at home – the more he practices the better he becomes.

Amy

3/5/2014 02:38:28 am

Love this.

We follow the work of Kim Jon Paine and others who talk about this idea of praising effort versus praising results.

We have found that it opened up a lot of vocabulary actually because instead of just good-jobbing the kids all the time we were able to use more unique messages like "you focused so much on that ladder and finally made it!" or "I saw how hard you worked not to wet the bed and look at we are nearly 5 days in a row!" Because otherwise, you only have something to say when the results happen to be positive, but you always have something to say even when results are mixed, or even negative. It gives parents a great opportunity to reflect back to their child about feelings, and gives everyone this needed pause - "I know how much you love sitting next to her at lunch. It's hard when a friend turns away like that." Instead of, "cheer up! There's lot's of friends out there and you don't' need a friend like that!"

I have always found it odd when friends or well meaning people try to get you out of the ditch before you're ready. Just feeling heard and seen in your ditch is so curative - just see me in my hardship and then we can move on - but don't try to pull me out just yet! This is often the trouble between men and women - men want to solve and women want to process, of course.

There's a great book called Parenting Without Power Struggles that I love because she talks about meeting your child at the wall of despair, rather than trying to take that wall down. "You seem so sad about what happened today honey." Rather than, "Think of all the things you have to look forward to!" There is such a difference when people see each other and slow down, stop trying to make everything better, and just acknowledge how it is. You can't sell rainbows and unicorns when all someone can see is a dark, gloomy day. You have to agree it's dark and gloomy for them - and then you can make progress!

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Not All Praise Is Equal

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