The Glasers
  • Courses
    • All Courses
    • BreakThrough Conflict
    • Hardwiring Teamwork
    • Persuasion & Influence
  • Ways to Learn
    • All Learning Options
    • Hybrid Learning System
    • Self-paced video
    • Live Virtual
    • In-Person Seminar
  • Trainer Training
  • Testimonials
    • Testimonials on Virtual Learning
    • Written Testimonials
  • About the Glasers
    • About the Glasers
    • Communication Capsule Blog
    • Published Research
    • Learning Products
  • Contact

Say What You Need To Say

12/10/2013

1 Comment

 
Have you ever had an argument with your spouse, significant other, or close relative? Just kidding… Most of us have had more than a few! But now we know that the way we behave during such conflicts may well affect our health—not just our relationships.

Researchers have shown that self-silencing during quarrels—i.e. the practice of holding in feelings one would like to express—takes a significant health toll. According to a report in Psychosomatic Medicine, women who didn't speak their minds in marital fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told their husbands how they felt.

Does this give us permission to take a no-holds-barred approach? Elaine Eaker, an epidemiologist who was the study's lead author, clarifies that this doesn’t mean we should “start throwing plates” at each other, but that there needs to be a safe environment where both people can equally communicate.


In a related study the health of spouses was studied in relation to the style of fighting between husbands and wives. A woman’s health risk increases if she perceives her husband’s style as “hostile”; a man’s risk increases if he perceives his wife’s style as “controlling.”

We want to hear!  Do you have any tips for healthy conflict in intimate relationships? How do you express your feelings so that they can be heard and understood without damaging anyone’s heart (both literally and metaphorically)? Share your responses to the weekly discussion question on our forum: Community of Practice Forum
1 Comment
Merry link
12/10/2013 07:28:01 am


Honest communication is the key to all good relationships. At 66 yrs old, I have been in many relationships where abusive, controlling, and negative behaviors have made honest communication difficult to impossible. I have seen first hand the damage done by continually having to suppress your anger or real feelings. It destroys not only the person, but eventually the relationship as well.
We all have relationships that are important to us, both at work and in our personal lives. Being yourself, and being able to communicate thoughts, feelings, and work thru issues is important to building or keeping a good relationship. Everyone has had times when they had to take a deep breath and close their mouth before they said what they really wanted to! Learning to communicate in a non-threatening way and being open to discussing issues - is a good way to start. My husband and I are an example. After years of other marriages and many good and bad experiences, we came to the relationship we are in now. We both love and respect each other very much, and that is vital to making things work.
Because we both have many prior experiences, we often hit one of those "knee jerk" responses to old negative patterns. Understanding that they happen and talking about it when it does, helps us stay on track. Learning to phrase things in a way that is not perceived as an attack is also important. Instead of "You make me so angry when you do or say ____", try staying calm and saying "When you say or do ____ it makes me feel angry and very insecure. Is that what you intended?" Anyone who feels they are being attacked will retaliate - it is simply survival instinct. By transferring the comment from "YOU did something wrong" to "I AM FEELING", you give them the opportunity to step back and think about it. Men and women DO think and process things differently. Just a fact. Understanding the differences and learning to communicate effectively is very important to any working or personal relationship. NEVER scream or yell when discussing an issue. Doing that indicates loss of control and is a negative way to deal with something if you are wanting the other person to really listen to you and to discuss an issue. If you cannot control your anger, take a step back, ask to talk about it later - when you can discuss the problem rationally and calmly. (On the other side of that - LET THEM take the time they need to be calm.) If you are in an intimate relationship with someone, you need to learn to be each other's best friend and fan club too. Never, ever, say things that are hurtful or outright mean. You will destroy far more than you can ever gain by such behavior. If you would not say it to your best friend, don't say it to the person you are supposed to love and care about most. My husband is a very strong Christian man, and he says it is the job of the husband to build up his wife, and to love and cherish her above all else. He lives up to that every day, and continually re-defines the term "husband" and what a real marriage is for me - daily. We have had our disagreements, and struggles, and will continue to do so I am sure. The difference is in how we deal with them. At this age, you also tend to look at the big picture and pick your fights more carefully. lol If it is not really important and worth fighting over - don't. We have had some serious issues, but we found a way to sit down and talk them out. Without needing to place blame or find fault with each other to do it.
We have a lot of respect for each other, and value our relationship very highly. That motivates us to work at it every day. Relationships often die out of neglect and lack of respect for each other. Loving and respecting yourself is primary to building a real lasting relationship with another person too. Insecure people tend to lash out more, attack more, and feel attacked more easily, in my experience.
Confrontation avoidance is also a big destroyer of relationships, by making one person continually suppress feelings and emotions - to keep the peace. In a truly healthy relationship, you must be willing to confront and to be confronted - in a positive manner- to work on an issue. When approached with the right attitude and a genuine desire for a win/win outcome, it can be the best tool to resolve issues. (Note - both sides must also feel safe in confronting. If you don't feel safe you have a much bigger problem, and you need to deal with that first.)

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    RSS Feed

    Archives

    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    May 2014
    April 2014
    March 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    December 2013
    November 2013
    October 2013

    Categories

    All
    BreakThrough Conflict
    Children & Young Adult
    Communication
    Community Of Practice
    Hardwiring Teamwork
    Leadership
    Persuasion And Influence

Communication Capsule Blog
Published Research
Press/Media Resources
Organizational Culture Survey
III Survey
Resources
CoreSkills
Glaser & Associates, Inc.
Executive Offices
1740 Craigmont Avenue, Eugene, OR 97405
541-343-7575 | 800-980-0321
info@theglasers.com
Privacy Policy | Terms & Conditions
© 2019 Glaser & Associates.  All Rights Reserved.
  • Courses
    • All Courses
    • BreakThrough Conflict
    • Hardwiring Teamwork
    • Persuasion & Influence
  • Ways to Learn
    • All Learning Options
    • Hybrid Learning System
    • Self-paced video
    • Live Virtual
    • In-Person Seminar
  • Trainer Training
  • Testimonials
    • Testimonials on Virtual Learning
    • Written Testimonials
  • About the Glasers
    • About the Glasers
    • Communication Capsule Blog
    • Published Research
    • Learning Products
  • Contact