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Technology's Emotional Disconnects

4/29/2014

Ignoring your kids in favor of your cell phone? Research shows what your gut may already tell you: it hurts their feelings. In researching her book The Big Disconnect: Protecting Childhood and Family Relationships in the Digital Age, psychologist Catherine Steiner-Adair interviewed 1,000 children between the ages of 4 and 18,about their parents' use of mobile devices. The language that came up over and over and over again was "sad, mad, angry and lonely." Some gleefully told how they tossed a parent's phone into the toilet or hid it in the oven.

If you’d like to preserve your cell phone—and, oh yes, your family relationships—we recommend setting an intention to pay attention to your kids when you’re together. We agree with Steiner-Adair when she says, "We are behaving in ways that certainly tell children they don't matter, they're not interesting to us, they're not as compelling as anybody, anything, any ping that may interrupt our time with them.” Small wonder that children (and spouses and friends and colleagues…) may act out more to get a crumb of our attention.

We want to hear: Have you experienced “disconnects” because you’re preoccupied with technology? Are you doing anything to modify your behavior? Share your responses to the weekly discussion question here.

12 Comments

Kelly Akin

4/29/2014 02:11:18 am

Boy, I sure know how those kids feel! I have a teenager that is constantly plugged in and extraordinarily difficult to communicate with. My best chance to get her attention is to send a text and ask for it!

Susan

4/29/2014 04:32:43 am

You are so right Kelly. Guess it does go both ways once "kids" are old enough to have their own device!

Gregg Miller

4/29/2014 03:08:11 am

When I am in a meeting, I've noticed I will grab my phone to ''halfway listen'' and just know this is not a polite and quite selfish action I've chosen to do. I am working hard on myself to not do this as I've felt due to my position in these meetings, I'm the boss I can do what I want. This is not healthy to these people at all!
Thanks

4/29/2014 04:32:32 am

Thank you for sharing this personal insight, Greg. It is so true: The person with most power in the room does set the tone for how listening happens.

Merry Bauman link

4/29/2014 03:32:59 am

I have seen both sides of this lately. I have four grown children, eight grandchildren (25 to 3 yrs), and soon to be four great-grandchildren.
Thru email, text, calls, Facebook, Skype, and Facetime, I am able to visit with all of the family that lives in other states - as easily as being there sometimes. I was recently in the hospital very ill, and yet though visitors were not encouraged, I was able to "visit" with family via my ipad mini whenever I was up to it. I even got to "go" to basketball practice with a grandson one night - by facetime.
For the ones far away, it is an awesome tool to keep in touch.
The other side of the coin was noted recently when my husband and I went out to dinner for a "date" night. We both had our smart phones out and were checking emails, blogs, or Facebook. Then we realized we needed to be focusing on each other, and have since removed the electronics from all time we spend being together.
My husband is very active in blogs, and I like Facebook. We appreciate our "me" time too, and are doing more to balance the time we spend with our electronics and the time we spend with people just talking, visiting, or enjoying them. Electronics are not allowed at church, and during soccer games. They are used during baseball, basketball, and other activities of the grandkids - just to share pics or scores with the ones that could not get there that day.
It always seems a double-edged sword, with both good and bad in how technology is used. Sadly, I see kids these days that can't do math without a calculator, can't write, and are into video games so much they have become an addiction. When role-playing in a game and living in a virtual reality have become more important than real people and real lives, there is a serious problem. Unfortunately that is true for both children and adults. Technology can very well be a serious disconnect between people if used to an excess, but the connection it allows lets me be a part of grandkids and great grandkids lives in a way I could not be if it was only a visit once a year. Like all tools, we must set the rules for the use of them.
I like it that you are bringing it to the attention of the adults that the kids are not happy about their using it so often. A side thought to that is also how many kids have gotten caught by their parents doing something they should not have been - on the internet and cell phones - because the parents knew where and how to look. Parents are becoming more tech-savvy and enjoy playing with their new "toys" too. I definitely have felt the disconnect of it myself, and I am glad to realize it is bothering children that much. In our busy lives these days, we have streamlined things so much with electronics, and are so used to "instant" messages and such that taking the time to go visit someone, or sit and really talk, as well as listen, has become more rare. Great "wake up" call with your message. I will be more aware of my communication skills without electronics, and work on more personal interaction.
(For someone who grew up on a ranch, with one phone in the whole house, and on an eight party line, I am continually amazed at carrying two iphones, an ipad, and being so easily contacted all the time. Back then, if the phone rang it was important. "Long distance" was expensive and rarely used, and people lived a much less stressful life.) We were outdoors using our own creativity to have fun. Perhaps we should revisit that time now and then with our kids?

4/29/2014 04:53:17 am

Yes Merry, technology does have those two sides. Guess the key is figuring out how to live our lives optimizing the strengths technology offers.

Mike Maguire

4/29/2014 03:37:13 pm

The very interesting aspect of this is the way the "inappropriate" use of technology affects the behaviour of adults in the work place. Attend a meeting where participants are constantly giving their attention to incoming texts, emails and the like. The contribution to serious decision making and direction setting has I think a direct relationship to the quality of the input. I consider it frankly at the least impolite and at worst insulting to other meeting participants. Similarly ungracious is the habit of some to leave a device on silent but vibrate and have it on the desk or table so that it vibrates every few minutes or so.
The challenge I think is to find the balance between technology and the people it is meant to serve. The master servant relationship has as a consequence of the pervasive ability of the technology the threat of being the master and people the servant.
If we want to look at the past the lessons are there for us all - the more available a tool the more we will use it, and the more entertaining it becomes the greater the danger. In New Zealand we have a growing concern about the increasing rate and scale of obesity (particularly in the young) many put this down (to among others) the impacts of television and digital media on participation of the young in outdoor activities. (there are other reasons I think including the greater reliance on the motor car as a means of transport)
At a personal level I take care do not look at emails on my phone more than once a day at weekends (unless dealing with an emergency) and only responding to real emergency texts and certainly not in the "family space" i.e. meal times and conversation time.

susan

4/30/2014 07:38:45 am

You have certainly thought this through on many levels,Mike. Your observation that focusing on a techno device rather than the people around you is something between impolite and insulting. Maybe it's because the relationship message (whether to our kids, family or colleagues) is: This incoming message is more interesting to me than you are. Your personal commitments around family time are admirable. Thanks.

5/6/2014 02:55:22 am

Well said! I suddenly realized recently I had forgotten my phones when I went somewhere for the day with my husband. After the first "but what if someone NEEDS me!" panic, I realized I felt very free to relax and enjoy the day. In a real emergency, my husband also has a cell phone, and the family knows the number. I really enjoyed my day, giving all my attention to people, things we were doing, and may just leave them home more often.

5/6/2014 03:53:43 am

Interesting how those life moments can create new patterns. Happened to me recently and I realized how often I reach for my phone to check in on Twitter or FB when there is any pause. The other option is to be present -- and just be!

Bobbi Kamil

4/30/2014 03:12:49 am

I'm sure glad you added the parentheses at the end of the entry. Thinking about spouses etc. is also key to a meaningful relationship.

4/30/2014 07:41:50 am

Absolutely Bobbi! Spouses, friends, and colleagues -- not only our children -- are most definitely part of the world that notices when we choose technology over them. It is a hard habit to break.

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