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The Golden Rule of Communication With Yourself

2/25/2014

We know how important it is to be constructive in our communication with others, so why not try being this way when we communicate with ourselves? We expend a lot of mental energy and jeopardize our peace of mind and productivity by comparing ourselves negatively to others, or by creating “stories” about other people who we feel “lack respect for us,” or “lack compassion,” or “cannot be trusted.”

We all have an inner critic and an inner cynic, and silencing these voices is not necessarily easy. But since we can’t change something until we’re aware of it, try keeping track of how often you criticize yourself or impugn others over the course of 24 hours. Noticing the pattern of our negative thoughts and feelings—about others as well as ourselves—is the first step to realizing they are manifestations of our own internal fantasy life, which can fuse us to unhappiness with no basis in truth.

We want to know: Have you tried tracking your self-judging and other-judging thoughts? What were the results? Share your responses to the weekly discussion question on our Community of Practice Forum.

6 Comments

ann

2/26/2014 09:02:12 am

These days, in my professional world, there are very frequent displays of aggression that I attribute to the increasingly authoritarian leadership model, which is encouraging heightened competition. It's pretty brutal. So, the best I can do is lick my wounds at the end of the day. Don't know whether any one else can relate to this. For example, yesterday, I forgot my id that we use to make copies. I asked a co-worker in the copy room if I could borrow his and he said 'no'--that he had to keep careful records since we're now being observed by 'Big brother.' (On the other hand, today someone gave me a bunch of free bagels, so I am trying to take that in. :))

Simon

2/26/2014 01:28:45 pm

I've recently learned that I am my harshest critic. I've worried too much about what others think or that they may judge me, when in fact my own self-judgment is really what holds me back. The idea of taking note of when the inner critic speaks is a good one - half the battle is simply recognizing that voice and understanding that you can choose not to listen to it.

Dan M

2/27/2014 01:16:37 am

We are our own worst critic! Those inner voices that are so critical when we fail are also the voices that help set us up for failure. We've all heard the saying "Mom always said 'if you can't say something nice about someone, then don't say anything at all'." Maybe that rule should be extended to ourselves too.

Merry link

3/4/2014 02:27:48 am

I have to agree that we are all very hard on ourselves at times, and sometimes much more so than those around us.
Working in a family business, I also deal with the 60 plus years of being raised with the same parents, and the images that those parents created within us of ourselves and each other.
No matter how high my I.Q., or how well I do my job, the old "You are worthless", "You are stupid", "You can't ever do anything right" negative comments made by parents ,who had no idea the damage they were doing, are playing over and over in not only my head but that of my family co-workers as well. Our father was a very verbally abusive man, and both parents put all their hopes and dreams on the son, casting the daughters aside as not worth much.
Oddly, the daughters have all distinguished themselves in their areas of expertise, and yet are still not acknowledged by the mother, that is still living, or the brother who looks down on them as being less valuable or capable than he is.
Working together for nearly twenty years and building a business together should have shifted that paradigm, but it hasn't. My worst critic is still my parent, no matter what I do right. As a parent, grandparent, and great-grandparent now, I am able to see things from a different perspective. and I realize our parents never had a clue of what they were doing to all of us. That is why being positive to and about your children, and praising them in the manner you described is extremely important to their developing a good self-image and also a lot of good feelings of a job well done. What you say and do as parents will be there forever in your children. I have said we spend our lifetimes forgiving our parents, and praying our kids will forgive us! lol NO one does it all right! I do think parents should spend more time with their kids, and in helping them grow in a good way. In our busy lives, it is sometimes hard to find those moments, but they are extremely important for the next generation to turn out better, and that is what we all hope for. Love, kindness, and genuine praise and interest in them is the best gift you can give them as a parent. I always felt my job as a parent was to work myself out of a job by training my children to be able to take care of themselves and their families. My parents attitudes made me a much more aware and better parent to my own children I believe, by seeing the damage done by their negativity and treatment.
We can't change our parents, but we can learn from what they did wrong, and in most cases, that would make them very happy!

Susana link

6/3/2014 03:23:16 am

Thanks so much for the thoughtful, brief and easy to metabolize writing on crucial communication issues. As a student of energy fields, I am very aware that our national/cultural 5th chakra (communication) issues are on the front lines as we teach ourselves slowly (sometimes painfully) how to engage in spirited national debate with compassion, respect and curiosity and really HEAR others with very differing political views.

Susan

6/5/2014 06:50:43 am

Thanks for this Susana. You are one of our thought leaders in this area. Really happy that our Communication Capsules speak to you.

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The Golden Rule of Communication With Yourself

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