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To Connect, Be Vulnerable

6/10/2014

We so often present idealized versions of ourselves to others. If we feel disappointment, envy, or anxiety, we don’t want to let on. But research shows that sharing our vulnerabilities is actually of immense value.

Consider this study: Arthur Aron, director of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University, paired students who were strangers and gave them 45 minutes to ask each other a series of questions. Half were given superficial questions (e.g., a favorite holiday or TV show), the other half’s questions gradually became deeper (e.g. the role of love in their lives, the last time they cried in front of someone else, whose death would impact them most). Afterward, Aron’s team asked the participants to rate how close they felt to their partner. Pairs from the second group formed much deeper bonds. Some started lasting friendships; some perceived their connection to their study partner as one of the strongest in their lives.

So, contrary to what we may believe, presenting a “totally together” version of ourselves actually separates us from others. We may fear that if people find out “who we really are”, they’ll distance themselves. In fact, our authenticity and vulnerability—our sheer humanity—breaks down barriers.

Please share your experience: When has sharing vulnerability resulted in a stronger connection? Join the conversation and click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

7 Comments

Sally Rash

6/10/2014 05:11:22 am

My experience has taught me that almost everyone would appreciate someone to trust with deepest feelings. And, on the other side, being trusted is such a gift. Having been on both sides, I'd like to know that everyone is willing to open up and everyone is willing to listen with cotton in their mouths.

Peter

6/12/2014 05:27:59 am

Thanks for this Sally. You raise the important relationship between vulnerability, trust and listening. Wonder what comes first. Does vulnerability depend on the existence of trust -- or does it create it?

Merry Bauman link

6/10/2014 05:16:30 am

Vulnerability is hard because it leaves you open to getting hurt, used, and abused. That said, it is also the only way to form real human bonds of love, friendship, and understanding. Compassion is also a gift of being vulnerable to someone else, you allow them to feel it and experience what it is to care and to help another human.
Having had a history of abusive men and bad marriages in my past, being vulnerable and opening myself up to love and another marriage was extremely hard, but was one of the most wonderful things I have done. When he died only 7 1/2 months after our wedding, I was devastated and in so much pain I swore I would never marry again.
Honestly, all I wanted to do was die and be with him again. With lots of kids and grandkids that was unfair to them, but grief is that bad.
A little over a year after his death, I believe it was God that sent me a widower in a similar state. I was adamant I did not want another marriage in this life, but this very vulnerable man let me see who he really was and where he was emotionally. I found myself responding and opening up about me too. We were engaged after our third date, married three and a half months after we met, and are about to celebrate our fifth anniversary this summer. I actually have the best marriage of my entire life, and we were over 60 when we got married.
I have the man and the marriage that I have needed most of my life.
Oh, and he lost his wife of 24 yrs - same hospital, same floor, same DATE as I lost mine, just 3 yrs earlier. She died of complications of diabetes - I have had and controlled mine for 20 yrs. My husband had died of complications of open heart surgery, and this man needed open heart surgery to life and did not plan to do it until he met me. He had it and is fine. Two of the same doctors that had worked on my previous husband worked on this one too. Everything happens for a reason, and being who you really are is a great thing.

Susan Glaser

6/12/2014 05:29:23 am

Merry, your personal commitment to vulnerability has certainly been put to a life of testing. Thanks for this.

Brendon Harrex

6/10/2014 07:26:26 am

This is a great post thank you. I agree that the richness of life is not found in protecting ourselves from others but in allowing others to see who we really are. This however requires us to be secure in who we are otherwise we are unable to make ourselves vulnerable - for fear we will be rejected or hurt in some way. As leaders we need to create an environment of affirmation so that everyone in our "community" knows they have immense value just for being who they are - not because they do or say certain things. In this environment, true connection becomes possible and synergy is able to occur (as people are ok to let go of things they are not the best at, rather than holding onto these as part of their (false) security).

Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

Susan

6/12/2014 05:27:41 am

So well put, Brendon. Thank you. Do you have any ways you have found helpful to encourage this kind of workplace culture?

Jim Center

6/15/2014 06:27:28 pm

I have found that the traditional approach to participants introducing themselves at workshops is not very interesting, but I heard of a better approach. I now ask people to write between 6 and 10 single words that are keys to their total self (interests, hobbies, people, experiences, things that excite them etc). I then get the people alongside them to pick three words. Each participant then speaks to the three aspects selected for them. The difference is amazing. People are articulate, interesting and listeners learn things about them. By opening up their thoughts and sharing the key words the introductions are far more interesting, and much more informative. Previously people tended to cover their job or career only.

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