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When Bullies Have Staying Power

8/26/2014

Are anti-bullying policies stopping workplace bullying? Not according to a survey recently conducted by Joseph Grenny and David Maxfield, co-authors of the books Crucial Conversations and Influencer. Ninety-six percent of respondents said they had experienced workplace bullying, and indicated that most of the alleged bullies had been in their positions for over a year (89%), or over five years (54%). Only 6% said their companies’ anti-bullying policies prevented bullying.

The sad truth is that many who feel bullied don’t do anything about it. They try to avoid the problem, but the unintended consequence of avoidance is perpetuation. “Silence is not golden. Silence is permission,” says Maxfield.

We agree: What we permit, we promote. So it’s important to know your workplace policies and document incidents of bullying (e.g. browbeating, intimidation, sabotaging). Perhaps most effective of all—if you do not feel at risk doing so—is addressing (in private) the person you believe is abusing power. If you choose to do this, try our models for raising issues and responding to criticism. Then ask what you can do to improve communication going forward so that the pattern doesn’t repeat.

We want to hear: Are you aware of workplace bullying and, if so, do you and those around you tend to confront or avoid the problem? If you have addressed the situation, what has been the outcome? Join the conversation and click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

25 Comments

Jacq

8/26/2014 02:53:00 am

Working in state government I have see a great deal of bullying. I do not see it being addressed at all. There are no anti-bullying policies. What I see is when a supervisor is threatened - because they lack management skills - they bully instead; get rid of the threat. Sad part is the percieved "threat" is usually a very educated, intelligent and productive employee. There is a reall inablity to tolerate differences. Diffences in values, management styles, age, etc. Our HR tends to protect bullies and even helps them to bully - by the nature of the "discipline process." One way for HR to avoid fostering bully management is to mediate instead of launching into the discipline process. Educating bot the manager and employee as to what bullying is should be a mandatory course. The union has tried to put language in their contracts but through the negociation with management that language is watered down. Bullying is too often seen by managers as a "tough manager" - and exhalted. The net consequence is that productivity and creativity languishes and government is seen as costly and unresponsive to the public. I wish upper management would realize recognize the benefit of educating managers how to supervise effectively, and have policies that enforce productive management.

Susan

8/26/2014 03:40:39 am

A most disturbing part of your account is how deeply imbedded in the culture this pattern sounds. Strong, consistent mgmt where all people are held accountable is crucial. HR should be the impartial arbiter. It is most definitely possible to manage in a way that high performance is an expectation without bullying being present. This should be an organizational priority.

Merry Bauman link

8/27/2014 04:50:07 am

Jacq, you are so on target! That is exactly what happened over and over in so many of the places I worked too. Being smarter than the manager, and fully capable of doing the job, threatened them badly.
The most effective and productive managers and teams were the ones that saw a smart employee as an asset and not a threat, and helped them be the best they could be at the job. A manager should be the leader of the team, not the bully or bad guy.
Happy employees are productive ones. Good managers build loyalty not fear. Sadly, many upper management still do subscribe to the "Theory X" management style of ruling by force and fear.

Merry Bauman link

8/26/2014 03:43:08 am

Bullies come in many forms, and are as variable as job descriptions are. When I was a Buyer for Boeing, in the past, I worked for many types of bullies. As a woman in that area, you were always treated as inferior to even the most incompetent male. Sadly, I only had two men I worked for in nearly ten years that treated women fairly and with appreciation for what they did. Thor Briggs and Russ Carroll. I am proud to have worked for them. I tried confrontation, and was treated even worse and threatened with firing. I had a boss who let the guys get away with all sorts of improper behavior, but hated women working for him. He gave the same very negative review - word for word - to all three women who worked for him. One of his points was that I was on the phone all the time with personal calls and not doing my job. Ok, I tried to tell him that the two guys who sat in my area were busy with personal business and I was having to answer all the calls. He refused to listen to me. One guy was selling insurance on the side all day at work, and the other was a drunk who was setting up drinking lunches with vendors or talking to his buddies. I kept a call log then for a month - one he could match to the sheet of calls to my phone. It clearly showed that I was handling calls for the others most of my day, and the reports for the month were all being generated by me - for all three of us. I took it to him, and asked to discuss it. He became furious, ripped up the log, and told me if I ever did something like that again I was fired immediately.
One of the other women was being verbally and physically assaulted and insulted by one of the men. He was an old guy with terrible hygiene, and she was a very capable lady with a Master's Degree. She took it to the boss, who threatened to fire her for reporting it, and did nothing to stop the guy, who of course escalated his behavior. She went to H.R., and tried to get a transfer or some help.
They accepted her supervisor's word and refused to do anything.
Her health suffered, and eventually she was put on medical leave.
Sexual harassment and bullying went on all the time. We had seminars on sexual harassment and everyone was told about how it was not to be tolerated, but on the way back to our desks, guys were grabbing women and laughing at the whole idea of having to have a seminar on something they had no plan of changing. It was all a joke to them. I was married and had five children to feed or I would have never stayed in that job as long as I did. Confronting the bully only made it worse, when he was your boss. The supervisors above him were just as bad or worse. I took a lay-off eventually, and never looked back. The money was good, but living on anti-depressants wasn't. I worked for an optical company, and eventually clashed with the supervisor there too, because I was informed that it was part of my job to sleep with the big boss from Dallas when he was in town, or to find someone for him that would.
Even though I had gotten my certification; was managing the store; and had increased sales and customer satisfaction, I told him they did not pay me enough to do that, and quit.
The workplaces have changed somewhat since that time, or I sure hope so, but I think that same kind of thing happens. I believe women face it far more than men do, and it is often from a man who is physically intimidating to them, as well as involved in their job.
While workplace bullying should not be tolerated, there are still situations where it is I'm sure. My suggestion is to document it as much as possible, and record it as you can - on your phone or a small recorder. Be sure that you make it clear to the person that their behavior is not going to be tolerated and that you will do something about it. Make sure they understand that you are feeling threatened by their behavior and that you will act appropriately if it does not cease. Then do it. The worst thing that happens is you get fired. Take your documentation and all the information to a good lawyer and sue. I wish I could say that life, and jobs, were fair, but they aren't. Some bullies may back down if confronted, but it depends on the job situation ,how much power they have over you, and how badly you need the job. I wish it did not happen at all.

Kim Thibault link

8/26/2014 07:13:03 am

It is an interesting concept - do policies actually shape behaviour? I don't think the purpose of a policy is to shape behaviour, but to clarify what is an isn't acceptable and what will happen if it does occur.

To shape behaviour, companies need to tackle their culture and values which let such behaviours occur and then not get addressed.

Simon Shaw

8/26/2014 07:33:35 am

Companies need to a) have a policy to deal with bullying in the workplace and b) actively enforce the policy. Employees need to know that their concerns will be taken seriously by senior managers.

susan

8/26/2014 09:17:52 am

Clearly the impact of bullying can be huge. While policies without culture won't actually shape behavior, policies are the guideposts. Communication at all levels is crucial around this most dangerous behavior.

Merry Bauman link

8/26/2014 07:24:26 am

I'm sure that many companies have a policy that covers such behavior.
The problem is when it is not enforced - for whatever reason. That is where documentation and proof make the difference between "he said" vs "she said". I am also sure it happens in the reverse too. All bullies are not men.
Good point Kim.

susan

8/27/2014 06:52:37 am

So most everyone here agrees that anti bullying policies are necessary but not sufficient. Enforcement and culture are also key. Hoping there are some strong models out there.

Denise Hartley-Wilkins link

8/27/2014 01:39:35 pm

Well here goes with a long comment! I’ve been on the receiving end of a seemingly ‘charming’ but calculating predator. Thankfully when I needed to I had the resilience & courage to stand up to them. Each time I did they backed off (& targeted someone else ;o( ). Bullies are usually upwardly protected, this is partially what gives them their power and confidence. They get a kick out of the psychological damage they cause, it helps them to feel better about themselves. I do a fair amount of bullying work, training, investigations, coaching both targets and the bullies themselves. My learning is that bullies fall into different types, the conscious bully (abusive personality, the charming calculating predator etc. ) and the unconscious bully, where they are unaware that they are deploying behaviors that negatively impact on others. Can bullies change? yes if they see the impact, care to change and learn through coaching.

Research shows the #1 reason why people get targeted is the bully is threatened by the targets' technical, this is closely followed by the target not being a political game player and the target being popular with others. This is a threat to the bully either personally or to their position. Bullying the target helps them to feel better about themselves. There are other characteristics of a target that a bully finds irresistible - quick to apologise, prefers dialogue to conflict, sense of integrity & fair play. When I'm coaching victims I put it to them that the reason they were likely targeted is because they are awesome - the shift in how they feel about themselves is equally awesome :o)

Why do bullies bully?
Power: position of power or physical dominance over a weaker person. Dependent upon perceived power of the bully over the victim.
Self-Esteem: boost bullies own self-esteem and confidence to deal with personal feelings of inadequacy
Threat: to the bully personally or their position
Difference: individual or group is perceived as new or different
Organisational culture: negative behaviours and culture condoned by management

Bullying flourishes when Management:
• Ignores the behaviour
• Practices (models) the behaviour
• Refuses to accept the feedback on the behaviour
• Protects the bully in favour of results
• Makes excuses for or believes the bully
• Takes the path of least resistance
• Ignores or sweeps the feedback under the carpet

You know, the best line I ever heard from a target to a bully?..... “I feel sorry for you, every day you have to wake up being you. I will pray for you!” Amen to that :o)

Having a courageous conversation takes skill & practice. I use Susan & Peter's 'Raising Delicate Issues & Receiving Negative Feedback' models in my work. They work.

Bullying thrives in silence. Speak up.

susan

8/28/2014 02:40:12 am

Thank you so much, Denise, for sharing with our community what you have learned over your years of consulting on this topic -- and for committing your professional life to it. The first time we heard "bully" used in an organizational context was almost 15 years ago when we first began our work in New Zealand. So not surprising that an international expert on the topic (you!) is from NZ. (And thanks for the shout out on our models for Raising Delicate Issues and Receiving Negative Feedback in this context.)

Janice Thompson

9/19/2014 05:44:25 pm

Thanks Denise...your analysis has succinctly summed up key likely causes behind the actions of the senior manager who is currently waging a bullying campaign against me at the school in which I work. I finally plucked up the courage to put my situation on record with the principal, yesterday 2 years later than I should have done so. That said, the action I must take going forward has now been made crystal clear - however my complaint is viewed by the Head, I will not now back down until the bully is brought to account and some kind of remedial strategy implemented. The saddest part of the situation is that the woman concerned has offended before, several times and has faced no formal censure or received the help she needs to change her behaviour. Because of this, 3 previous employees who occupied my seat before me left their jobs under stress, or were moved away from the department and their talent was lost to us. Had management addressed the real problem, we would not be here now. Had they flagged a potential problem, I would have not stayed silent so long ... Forewarned is fore-armed, as they say!
For too long, managers have counselled this woman's victims to find a way of seeing her behaviour as a mere peccadillo - an unfortunate personality trait of an otherwise talented teacher, something to be worked around, rather than a real issue to be tackled. Might this be because the anti-bullying statement is something to which, for ancillary staff grievances at least, the Senior Management Team pay the merest, minimal lip service? I guess we shall see.
Anyway, your words have helped and supported me when I have felt extremely vulnerable. Better than that, they have helped me sidestep away from taking on the mantle of 'victim hood'. Thank you.

susan

9/23/2014 12:14:33 am

Thank you for this, Janice. So happy that Denise's experience in this area was so helpful to you. And thank you, Denise for so generously sharing your expertise with our Community of Practice. Our goal has been to bring the world together on crucial communication topics and we are grateful.

Denise Hartley-Wilkins link

9/23/2014 06:54:08 am

Janice your experience is eerily similar to another one I have come across in the education sector. A female senior leader who deploys under the radar bullying behaviours - she probably doesn’t recognise herself as doing this. She appears to lack the emotional intelligence and self awareness to recognise the impact of her behaviours on others and when challenged displays a self righteous position that she is doing them a favour. She is very polarised in her relationships; she either liked you or didn’t. For those she liked she actively found ways to support and promote. For those she didn’t she actively sought ways to undermine and drip poison into the ears of anyone who would listen (in bullying terms she is seeking to bring people over to her side, we call it ‘mobbing’). She is threatened by people who are popular and good at their job. Her tactics included nit picking over trivial issues and raising them publicly rather than discussing privately with the person; negative gossip; withholding credit, praise and recognition; negative feedback all the time; treating the target differently to others; using the system and her role on committees to unfairly treat her target; providing false information. Does some of this sound familiar? Complaints were made about her, but nobody had the cojones to tackle her in a high level, formal process. Instead it was low level conversations with no consequences attached. Her targets generally left.

A couple of things to hold onto for you. You have likely been targeted because you are good at what you do. Secondly bullying you, or another person, helps her to feel better about themselves. The get a small mental high every time they think they hit the spot.

Here’s a last thing for you – only you can give away your psychological power, when you give that to a bully you are giving them a nice gift with a bow on the top. When I’m coaching people sometimes I suggest they take up a form of exercise such as Tai Chi or boxing classes – people come away feeling stronger and standing taller.

A few coaching tips: check that your communication style falls into the ‘assertive’ bracket. When you are in the presence of the bully stand tall, shoulders back, widen your stance slightly, head up, look them in the eye, check that your speech is strong and confident (instead of head down and hesitant). This can be enough to confuse a bully and have them back off. A key thing to deflect a bully is to do something different rather than have them in the driving seat and grinding them down.

If you ever want some off line support google Denise Hartley-Wilkins, you should bring up my website Shine People (hope you don’t mind me doing this Susan & Peter) – i’m sure I can offer remote support from NZ. Kia kaha (NZ Maori for ‘stay strong’) . Hope this helps. Good luck with your complaint.

Denise Hartley-Wilkins link

9/23/2014 06:54:15 am

Denise Hartley-Wilkins link

9/23/2014 06:54:35 am

Denise Hartley-Wilkins link

9/23/2014 06:56:00 am

Janice your experience is eerily similar to another one I have come across in the education sector. A female senior leader who deploys under the radar bullying behaviours - she probably doesn’t recognise herself as doing this. She appears to lack the emotional intelligence and self awareness to recognise the impact of her behaviours on others and when challenged displays a self righteous position that she is doing them a favour. She is very polarised in her relationships; she either liked you or didn’t. For those she liked she actively found ways to support and promote. For those she didn’t she actively sought ways to undermine and drip poison into the ears of anyone who would listen (in bullying terms she is seeking to bring people over to her side, we call it ‘mobbing’). She is threatened by people who are popular and good at their job. Her tactics included nit picking over trivial issues and raising them publicly rather than discussing privately with the person; negative gossip; withholding credit, praise and recognition; negative feedback all the time; treating the target differently to others; using the system and her role on committees to unfairly treat her target; providing false information. Does some of this sound familiar? Complaints were made about her, but nobody had the cojones to tackle her in a high level, formal process. Instead it was low level conversations with no consequences attached. Her targets generally left.

A couple of things to hold onto for you. You have likely been targeted because you are good at what you do. Secondly bullying you, or another person, helps her to feel better about themselves. The get a small mental high every time they think they hit the spot.

Here’s a last thing for you – only you can give away your psychological power, when you give that to a bully you are giving them a nice gift with a bow on the top. When I’m coaching people sometimes I suggest they take up a form of exercise such as Tai Chi or boxing classes – people come away feeling stronger and standing taller.

A few coaching tips: check that your communication style falls into the ‘assertive’ bracket. When you are in the presence of the bully stand tall, shoulders back, widen your stance slightly, head up, look them in the eye, check that your speech is strong and confident (instead of head down and hesitant). This can be enough to confuse a bully and have them back off. A key thing to deflect a bully is to do something different rather than have them in the driving seat and grinding them down.

Kia kaha (NZ Maori for ‘stay strong’) . Hope this helps. Good luck with your complaint.

Merry Bauman link

8/28/2014 03:58:09 am

Bravo Denise! I used to go home at night thanking God I was not married to one of those jerks I worked with! lol
An odd thing was that for many, work was the only area they could have control or bully anyone. Their wives totally dominated and cowed them. Lovely ladies!
Your points were totally valid, and well put.
Peter and Susan are amazing, and have been a source of great knowledge for me as well. Communication is critical in any business or relationship, and they offer the best advice I have seen yet.

susan

8/28/2014 07:06:34 am

Had a feeling that Merry and others would appreciate Denise's recommendations. Cool to be able to learn from a colleague so far away! Thanks Merry for your generous words about our work.

Merry Bauman link

8/28/2014 07:14:37 am

Susan, you are more than welcome. You share so generously of your time and knowledge to help so many. This is the only blog I actually read and follow regularly. So many interesting issues and ideas!
Thanks for all you do for us too.

ann

9/21/2014 08:16:08 am

My experience is that speaking up about it invites further bullying. The bullies where I work often receive recognition for excellence!

Denise Hartley-Wilkins link

9/23/2014 06:50:56 am

Ann, sadly you are right. Bullies often get protected by management in favour of results or they have formed the upward relationships that protect them. Bullies are often very believable, hence management believe them rather than the complainant. My advice for how to tackle a bullying problem is to consider the following; How will the bully respond? Do I talk to them on my own, do I take someone with me? Am I better talking to their line manager (caution, the line manager may protect), Is it better to go a level above their line manager? If the bully is the top boss can I develop some armour plating (some do this successfully) or do I look for another job? (most do this). This then steers you into whether you do something (low level/informal or formal process) or step out of the system. There is no one best way for resolving the issue.

susan

9/24/2014 01:24:45 am

Thank you once again, Denise, for lending your international expertise to this crucial discussion. Particularly appreciate your return to this topic to offer insight into Ann's situation.

carmen not cameron

7/4/2015 12:58:33 pm

My husband got bullied relentlessly at his last job. He brought it home everyday and we were miserable. These men luxuriated in trying to break my husband down. It became a sick game for them. For years they'd gaslight him & get theyre friends to come up there and insult & harass him. Spread rumors, call me crazy, lie. The owner was constantly accusing him of stealing. Even after he was gone for over a year. Every time the money was found, the boss just walked off & said nothing else where just before he was in my husband's face & was convinced he'd stolen. It was like he enjoyed watching the person try to convince him they didn't. Although the owner was completely toxic & took part in the abuse, my husband finally tried to formally complain. It was non stop and sometimes sexual in nature. No boundaries. Degrading jokes. Calling him Gay. Constantly monitoring. When he complained the owner wrote him up and disiplined him by sending him home with no pay for 3 days. This happened twice. HE was the only one in trouble. This job was one of the most demoralizing moments of our lives & we've never looked back. Falsely getting fired was a Godsend. Its true that in the end bullies have to live with themselves & they're unhappy people who are consumed with jealousy. The owner could never make eye contact & his wife behaved like we were suppose to worship them. I could tell how desperate they were for us to emulate them, which we never did because it was so obvious they were just seeking their narcissist supply. I believe in karma. Funniest part is his names Dick.

Susan

7/6/2015 04:01:58 am

Carmen,

Your devastating story is so sadly repeated in countless ways all over this country and others. Thankfully, you and your husband have been able to move on. Best to you both.

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