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When Defensiveness Hampers Success

5/20/2014

Those who react defensively to criticism are less happy with their jobs, have lower performance ratings, and lower self-esteem than their colleagues. So says recent research by PsychTests AIM Inc. of Montreal, which provides psychological assessment products and services to H.R. professionals.

This study captures what we have long believed: Those who not only tolerate but also learn from criticism ultimately are the better for it. Most of us have been conditioned to react defensively to criticism since toddlerhood. We have learned over our lifetime to explain our actions: to our parents, teachers, bosses, colleagues and relatives. We want them to understand that our actions were based on the circumstances we faced – not our bad motives or lack of commitment. When our energy is spent trying to get our critics to understand us, we are doomed to failure – because they will never hear us until they believe we understand them. So our model for responding to criticism is counter-intuitive: It teaches how to get the critic to “tell me more” rather than “hear me out.”

Please let us know your thoughts: What has been your experience with receiving criticism in productive ways? Join the conversation and click "comments" on our Community of Practice Forum.

5 Comments

Merry Bauman link

5/20/2014 07:00:08 am

I have had both kinds of managers in my lifetime, and many job areas.
1. The kind that are critical to be "boss", and because they can.
2. The kind that is genuinely concerned with helping you improve the situation or problem.
The first one just enjoys being nasty and being in a position of authority over someone else. They do not care about you beyond filling a position and doing what they tell you.
The second kind sees you as a person working the job, and has a different way of approaching the need to correct or be critical of something you have or have not done or said.
The first screams, yells, berates, and demands, or is quietly making you feel you have not done anything right and are going to be fired.
The second one talks to you privately, discusses positive aspects of you and how you do the job, and then gets to the area that is in question. They approach it with a "Let's solve this together" attitude rather than a "Solve it or be fired" attitude.
I believe the difference is in how the problem is presented. A personal attack will immediately put people on the defense. Taking a step back and considering the person involved makes the second type of manager better at getting the "tell me more" response instead of the deaf ear. If you don't feel personally attacked, but rather are presented with a problem that can be resolved or solved with further exploration, and a positive attitude from the person stating the problem, you will respond positively.
I had the most stark contrasts when I worked at Boeing in the 80's and 90's. I had several managers that did not want a woman in their group. One wrote the identical very negative (undeserved) review for all three women who worked for him. There was no dealing with it.
I also had two very good managers that I would have worked overtime for free for, because they managed in a positive way. One, when I first went to work for him, said "You are a mother of five children first, and my employee second. Don't let me hear you have missed something your child did at school because of this job. You can work extra hours when we need them to make up for it. He had a crew of people who gave a lot of extra hours because of his humanity and priorities. Everyone was very loyal to him, and would put out more effort, with no overtime, than anyone did for the first managers I mentioned. Boeing kept the bad ones and got rid of the good ones. Sad statement.
In my experience, I can work with the second type, but the first is a waste of time. They are not looking for a positive response, but rather a defense, and they will get it. It is all in the approach.

susan

5/21/2014 01:33:38 am

You emphasize the point, Merry, that our immediate manager has everything to do with our life at work. And how our manager listens and communicates with us has everything to do with how successful we feel and are.

5/21/2014 05:17:18 am

Well condensed Susan, and so right. We saw a vivid example at lunch after church last Sunday too. The Dennys we like has a great manager. He treats the customers like guests, his help is friendly, attentive, happy. The food is always excellent, well-plated, and service is great. He was on vacation last week, and the whole place was different. The lady that was managing was nasty, openly, to the staff, creating an atmosphere of negativity, unhappiness, and the result was terrible food, terrible service, bad attitudes, dirty dishes the food was served on, dirty silverware - replaced with more dirty silverware. The waitress did not refill drinks, and when she was asked if they were short-handed, she sullenly said "I just don't feel good". TOTALLY a different experience. The manager is vitally important, and how they manage.

5/21/2014 07:00:53 am

Your Dennys scenario is a vivid example of how one manager can take an entire restaurant from yay to yuck!

5/22/2014 02:34:55 am

True Susan.

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